So. Somewhere, out there, I seem to have left my inner dom behind.
I'm serious. I look inside, I can't find it. All my confidence, all my motivation, all my drive, all my...everything is gone, and I'm not sure how to bring it back.
I really don't know quite how it happened. My feelings toward rose and toward BDSM haven't changed, I still love them both and want them both in my life. It's just that I don't seem to be able to get back on the horse and return things to how they/I/we were before we went away. But I need to, because I know that we both need it, and I can see every day the strain this is putting on rose personally, and our relationship. Not to mention what it's doing to my own emotions and mindset.
I try to get in the right headspace, but it feels like putting on a coat that's way too big for me- I just feel wrong. Right now I'm timid. Indecisive. Can't seem to assert myself or my will on any situation, hardly the qualities one looks for in a dom. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
I think the main problem is that my condifence is shot. A few meltdowns and a few wonky scenes have really dented it, and to be honest my sense of self-worth has never been the most secure in the world. So right now, I'm very unsure of myself, which makes it very hard to find that dominant state of mind.
Rose, I still love you- and I still want you as my pet, my slave, my love and my rose. I still want this to work, and I know you'll be patient with me as I try and get myself back on track. I'm so sorry for the pain I know I'm putting you through.
And the good news is, I have the beginnings of a plan. It occurred to me late last night, that a relationship is a lot like a building in that it needs a solid foundation. Without that, you can't have confidence that it won't all fall apart under pressure. So we...well, I, need to go back to the beginnings. I'm going to look, over the next couple of days, at the most basic parts of our relationship, go back into our history and look at it. Take inspiration. And start again at the basics- but make myself a part of them, too.
When rose had problems with issues of confidence and self-worth in the earlier stages of our relationship, I knew what to do- but I took my own dominance and that part of our dynamic for granted. Now I need to find ways to work on it myself, so I think I need to create similar exercises and affirmations, rituals if you will, to help rebuild my own sense of place in our relationship.
The foundations of a strong relationship, are a sense of self-worth and the ability to trust in the other person. I've let both fall into disrepair, but at least I've got an idea to start rebuilding them.
Advice and comments are welcome, and I'll let you know how I get on.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Baby, you can drive my car...
So, those of you reading rose's blog closely might remember that I'm presently engaged in the process of teaching her to drive. This has been an interesting experience, but in general it's been very fun watching her develop in both skill and confidence as a driver, just like it's been wonderful watching her grow into the wonderful slave that she is.
So last night, we're taking a spin into the city, which we've started doing recently. Things are going very well, which for Melbourne on a saturday night is pretty rare, until we hit clarendon street. On the bridge coming up to crown casino, a hotted up black sports ute, adorned with racist stickers pulls up behind us. For the next ten minutes, it's tailgating us, and despite the almost gridlock traffic, constantly and aggressively honking its horn for no discernable reason.
Obviously, for an inexperienced driver (or even a lot of experienced ones) this is a pretty upsetting experience. I'd like to add that Rose was driving faultlessly in heavy traffic, much better than most of the people around her. This seems to have been an attack that's come purely out of spite.]
But I've never been prouder of the way my slave handled the situation. She didn't freak out. She didn't stop or try to escape or become reckless. She was scared and upset, but she stayed in control of herself and the car until she was able to find a safe spot and pull over. Then, after a few minutes and some cuddles to calm her nerve, she drove us safely and skillfully back home. She faced the problem calmly and cleverly, looked for help when she needed it, and overcame it. Words can't really express how proud I am of my brave little slavedoll.
I think there's something in this for all of us, Dom or sub. Problems will always come, whether you cause them or not. Stay calm and hang tough until you've navigated your way out of them. Never be afraid to lean on those who you trust, and who care for you, because they'll always be there when you need them. Then, when you're ready, get back on the horse and take control of the situation again. It's a good way to go about things.
(P.S. Dear other driver,
Please die in a fire. Failing this, please seek professional help for whatever trauma it is that has turned you into a hateful dickhead. If nothing else, look into penis-enhancing proceedures to try and make your self-loathing a little easier to contain.
Yours,
WyldWyl.
So last night, we're taking a spin into the city, which we've started doing recently. Things are going very well, which for Melbourne on a saturday night is pretty rare, until we hit clarendon street. On the bridge coming up to crown casino, a hotted up black sports ute, adorned with racist stickers pulls up behind us. For the next ten minutes, it's tailgating us, and despite the almost gridlock traffic, constantly and aggressively honking its horn for no discernable reason.
Obviously, for an inexperienced driver (or even a lot of experienced ones) this is a pretty upsetting experience. I'd like to add that Rose was driving faultlessly in heavy traffic, much better than most of the people around her. This seems to have been an attack that's come purely out of spite.]
But I've never been prouder of the way my slave handled the situation. She didn't freak out. She didn't stop or try to escape or become reckless. She was scared and upset, but she stayed in control of herself and the car until she was able to find a safe spot and pull over. Then, after a few minutes and some cuddles to calm her nerve, she drove us safely and skillfully back home. She faced the problem calmly and cleverly, looked for help when she needed it, and overcame it. Words can't really express how proud I am of my brave little slavedoll.
I think there's something in this for all of us, Dom or sub. Problems will always come, whether you cause them or not. Stay calm and hang tough until you've navigated your way out of them. Never be afraid to lean on those who you trust, and who care for you, because they'll always be there when you need them. Then, when you're ready, get back on the horse and take control of the situation again. It's a good way to go about things.
(P.S. Dear other driver,
Please die in a fire. Failing this, please seek professional help for whatever trauma it is that has turned you into a hateful dickhead. If nothing else, look into penis-enhancing proceedures to try and make your self-loathing a little easier to contain.
Yours,
WyldWyl.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Is there anything that you enjoy, that you would have never thought you would like prior to starting your journey into kink?
Honestly, though I wanted to try it, I never thought I'd enjoy being a master as much as I do. While I knew that I loved topping, I honestly thought that I'd never really be any good at, let alone happy in a 24/7 relationship. Now I can't imagine life without it. I have a wonderful slave, who makes it incredibly fulfilling
But, now I re-read the question, it actually asks about what I thought before I got into kink. Hmm. I never thought I'd enjoy some of the harder pain play I enjoy now, the caning, strapping, tawsing. The humiliation play as well, particularly the name calling. They're all things I've had to get over some issues with from pre-kink guilt, but that I now love.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hello Wyl Sir. How do you know how far to push a submissive's limits? Are there any limits you do not push? Thankyou
This is a tricky one. Knowing a subs limits is difficult at first, it really comes from knowing them for a long time, starting slow and building up trust and intensity over time. The first thing should be to ask them, very early on, what they think their limits are. Get them to write you a list, broken down into things they know they like, things they know they don't like, things they're willing to try, and things they never want to do. This'll give you a good starting point.
After the first few scenes, and once the relationship has built up and some mutual trust been established, have them re-evaluate their list, see where things have changed and if they're now willing to do/try more things. You'll usually find that as the sub gets more comfortable with you and gets to know you better, they'll start to be more comfortable with whatever activites you have an urge for.
In scene, never be afraid to ask your sub where they are. I find the traffic lights system to be really useful (green= I'm fine, and happy to go harder. Yellow= I'm fine, but please no harder/faster/more intense yet. Red= I need to stop right now), because it lets the sub give a good idea of their present state without giving them a feeling of being unduly in control.
As long as the sub was comfortable with it, and I had the necessary skills, there aren't really limits I wouldn't push. It does pay to be careful, though- while rose, for example, has very few limits now, she had several when we started, and I was always careful not to push them until she was absolutely ready. There are several I wouldn't rush to pushing with a new sub, and there are some areas of play that don't interest me which I'd be unlikely to explore.
The final component is to remember it's ok for doms to set limits of their own. If you don't feel completely comfortable with an activity and completely confident with your skills, then you shouldn't do it, and don't let yourself feel pressured into feeling you have to do it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
What's your favourite thing about being a Master?
Not to be flippant, pet, but you are. Seeing you happy, watching you grow, nurturing you, just being around you is the most fulfilling thing in my life, both as a man and as a Master.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sex, play and being a grown-up
It's not really any secret that we of kinky persuasions are a frequent figure of fun. Whether it's a gentle spoofing or more serious and damaging representations, tv, movies, books and music all have their moments where they use kinky people or activities for humour. Some of us get ourselves twisted into knots about it, and sometimes that's justified. There are some representations of us that are misleading, dangerous or downright nasty.
Still, for a lot of them, I can see where they're coming from. Let's face it, my kinky compadres, that to most outsiders, a lot of what we do would seem silly or even ridiculous. I remember, once when I was new to the kink world, there was an article in my university's student newspaper that featured the phrase "S&M is a barbaric and philistine practice, socially retarded people 'torturing' each other with pretend whips". I was so angry about that article that nearly three years later I still recall it word-for-word. I even wrote a furious letter to the editor (those of you who are regular readers will know what my letters to the editor can be like), although it never got published. Now, with a more mature and reasonable outlook, I recognise that statement as being what it is, misinformed, misleading, irritating, but hardly something to get worked up over. I had commited what I think is the key mistake we make as a community; I took myself and my kinks too seriously.
I want you to think about it. Next time you're at a play party, watching someone scene. Next time you're watching a decent quality kink video. Next time you're reading a kinky book, put down your experienced, insider eyes and look at it from the outside. On the surface, without an understanding of what's really going on, it'll probably look just a little silly to you. It's important to clarify here, just in case anyone has the wrong end of the stick, that I'm not saying BDSM IS silly. Just that to an observer who doesn't understand what is going on, we can appear that way.
Even as an experienced, practicing kinkster, there's probably a fetish or activity that makes you giggle. For me it's pony play; I respect that other people respond to it, but to me it just is adorable and slightly humorous. It brings out the laughter in me, just as surely as caning brings out the hard-on.
There's a reason for it.
As a society, we have some weird notions. Sex is dirty and shameful. Punishing drug users is the right way to stop drugs damaging our society. Kanye West is a talented artist, that sort of thing. One of the weirdest though, is this idea that play and fantasy are not things that are suitable for adults; that these things are undignified pursuits that should be left for children. Accordingly, as sex is not something for children, it must be a serious and dignified business to be approached with the same seriousness as death and taxes. This is why we look silly to the outsider; because we understand that sex, espeically the way we like to do it, is just playtime for grown-ups. (As an aside, I think this is why geeky people like myself are disproportionately attracted to kink; as what is called a geek is often just a grownup who has held onto the value of fantasy and play)
A good case study in this is ageplay, something my pet and I enjoy from time to time. Just like the fantasy and role-playing of children expresses their imagination and also their own needs and desires, and make their first steps at understanding the grown up world through imitation (go on and examine your own childhood games if you don't believe me. It's ok. I'll wait.), so sexual roleplay enables us to get to grips with different parts of our sexuality and fulfil different needs. Looked at with your serious face on, two grown-ups playing Daddy and daughter, the one acting out a masculine stereotype, the other colouring and playing with dolls, looks very strange. Perhaps even strange enough to make the observer uncomfortable, and we all know that discomfort is the basis of a lot of humour. Similarly, the way we play dress-up in our leathers, our latex, even
our titles and interactions, to an outside observer may seem uncomfortably childish. The sexualisation of what we're doing, on top of that, may be doubly disquieting.
Roleplay. Ageplay. Sensation Play. Electrical Play. Wax play. Ponyplay. It's right there in the names we give our kinks and our turn ons. Play. When I'm outside of my domspace, do I feel like I'm an infallible, unstoppable, virile sexual god, worthy only of worship and the adulation of my slave? No. Frankly, some of the things I've done and said when I'm being Master Wyl make me cringe a little when I'm being grown-up, well adjusted William. But that doesn't make what we do in play any less special or meaningful.
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is don't be afraid of that side of things. Even if you're completely vanilla, sex is a whole lot more fun if you don't take it or yourself too seriously. So have some play, people, and make it fun for yourselves- life and sex are both a lot more enjoyable if you know how to laugh at yourselves.
Still, for a lot of them, I can see where they're coming from. Let's face it, my kinky compadres, that to most outsiders, a lot of what we do would seem silly or even ridiculous. I remember, once when I was new to the kink world, there was an article in my university's student newspaper that featured the phrase "S&M is a barbaric and philistine practice, socially retarded people 'torturing' each other with pretend whips". I was so angry about that article that nearly three years later I still recall it word-for-word. I even wrote a furious letter to the editor (those of you who are regular readers will know what my letters to the editor can be like), although it never got published. Now, with a more mature and reasonable outlook, I recognise that statement as being what it is, misinformed, misleading, irritating, but hardly something to get worked up over. I had commited what I think is the key mistake we make as a community; I took myself and my kinks too seriously.
I want you to think about it. Next time you're at a play party, watching someone scene. Next time you're watching a decent quality kink video. Next time you're reading a kinky book, put down your experienced, insider eyes and look at it from the outside. On the surface, without an understanding of what's really going on, it'll probably look just a little silly to you. It's important to clarify here, just in case anyone has the wrong end of the stick, that I'm not saying BDSM IS silly. Just that to an observer who doesn't understand what is going on, we can appear that way.
Even as an experienced, practicing kinkster, there's probably a fetish or activity that makes you giggle. For me it's pony play; I respect that other people respond to it, but to me it just is adorable and slightly humorous. It brings out the laughter in me, just as surely as caning brings out the hard-on.
There's a reason for it.
As a society, we have some weird notions. Sex is dirty and shameful. Punishing drug users is the right way to stop drugs damaging our society. Kanye West is a talented artist, that sort of thing. One of the weirdest though, is this idea that play and fantasy are not things that are suitable for adults; that these things are undignified pursuits that should be left for children. Accordingly, as sex is not something for children, it must be a serious and dignified business to be approached with the same seriousness as death and taxes. This is why we look silly to the outsider; because we understand that sex, espeically the way we like to do it, is just playtime for grown-ups. (As an aside, I think this is why geeky people like myself are disproportionately attracted to kink; as what is called a geek is often just a grownup who has held onto the value of fantasy and play)
A good case study in this is ageplay, something my pet and I enjoy from time to time. Just like the fantasy and role-playing of children expresses their imagination and also their own needs and desires, and make their first steps at understanding the grown up world through imitation (go on and examine your own childhood games if you don't believe me. It's ok. I'll wait.), so sexual roleplay enables us to get to grips with different parts of our sexuality and fulfil different needs. Looked at with your serious face on, two grown-ups playing Daddy and daughter, the one acting out a masculine stereotype, the other colouring and playing with dolls, looks very strange. Perhaps even strange enough to make the observer uncomfortable, and we all know that discomfort is the basis of a lot of humour. Similarly, the way we play dress-up in our leathers, our latex, even
our titles and interactions, to an outside observer may seem uncomfortably childish. The sexualisation of what we're doing, on top of that, may be doubly disquieting.
Roleplay. Ageplay. Sensation Play. Electrical Play. Wax play. Ponyplay. It's right there in the names we give our kinks and our turn ons. Play. When I'm outside of my domspace, do I feel like I'm an infallible, unstoppable, virile sexual god, worthy only of worship and the adulation of my slave? No. Frankly, some of the things I've done and said when I'm being Master Wyl make me cringe a little when I'm being grown-up, well adjusted William. But that doesn't make what we do in play any less special or meaningful.
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is don't be afraid of that side of things. Even if you're completely vanilla, sex is a whole lot more fun if you don't take it or yourself too seriously. So have some play, people, and make it fun for yourselves- life and sex are both a lot more enjoyable if you know how to laugh at yourselves.
Friday, June 25, 2010
archaeological findings
I found this going through my long-since abandoned livejournal- I thought it might raise a few giggles.
"Just a random thought that occurred to me.
Wouldn't it be great if all the dialogue in porn movies was done in very proper, formal English, complete with upper-class British accents and mannerisms to top it off?
"Oh dear, I should so love it were you to ejaculate on my face at this point, my dear"
"By our lady! Penetrate my anus with greater gusto, virile copulatory companion!"
"I say, do you enjoy being treated in such a manner, harlot? I can see your excitement visibly increase each time my hand roughly strikes your posterior."
"Oh my, I note that your phallus has become increasingly engorged, and the girth of said implement appears to be both titillating and somewhat intimidating to me."
"Just a random thought that occurred to me.
Wouldn't it be great if all the dialogue in porn movies was done in very proper, formal English, complete with upper-class British accents and mannerisms to top it off?
"Oh dear, I should so love it were you to ejaculate on my face at this point, my dear"
"By our lady! Penetrate my anus with greater gusto, virile copulatory companion!"
"I say, do you enjoy being treated in such a manner, harlot? I can see your excitement visibly increase each time my hand roughly strikes your posterior."
"Oh my, I note that your phallus has become increasingly engorged, and the girth of said implement appears to be both titillating and somewhat intimidating to me."
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
100 things
In answer to my pet's list of 100 things about herself, here is mine.
1.I am pretty hairy, in head, body and facial terms.
2.I've had a beard of varying descriptions for the last four years. I kept clean shaven for a few months while I was dating someone who didn't like beards, but apart from that I grew a goatee when I graduated from highschool and it's stayed with me, just expanded.
3.I don't like tea or coffee.
4.But I love soup and like hot chocolate. Go figure.
5.I generally prefer savoury things to sweet things.
6.I used to play rugby union.
7.I was born in England, but moved to Australia when I was 4.
8.My earliest memory is eating an icicle on my 4th birthday.
9.I don't generally wear any kind of scent, cologne or deoderant. No aftershave, because I don't really shave.
10.My first job was selling electricity and gas contracts door-to-door. It was hideous, but I was quite good at it.
11.I very much enjoy science-fiction.
12.My favourite video game of all time is Baldur's Gate 2, but I don't care overmuch for Throne of Bhaal.
13.I'm not especially close to my family, but we do get along.
14.My best non-Rose friend and I have known each other since we were 5.
15.My favourite beer is a two-way tie between Old Speckled Hen and Prickly Moses Otway Stout.
16.I never used to like spicy foods, but now I do.
17.I have, at various times, played Warhammer, Dungeons & Dragons and Magic: The Gathering- the full nerd trinity.
18.I am not in any way ashamed of 17.
19.I'm training to be a librarian, and am really looking forward to becoming one.
20.Despite this, my personal book collection is very disorganised and haphazard.
21.I have a perverse love for cold, wet weather.
22.I deny the existence of all pokemon with numbers higher than 151.
23.I am an agnostic, but a pagan sympathiser.
24.My preferred referencing system is the Oxford system.
25.I have a degree in Classics and Archaeology.
26.I originally went to uni to study psychology, but I'm just not sciency enough. I am intensely proud of Rose for her ability to stick out the sciencey bits.
27.My curiosities about BDSM were first aroused by an on-line girlfriend I had when I was 16.
28.It took me until I was 18 to really get into it.
29.I didn't have my first real life kink experience until I was 19, though.
30.If you haven't guessed by now, I'm a genuine, high-functioning geek.
31.I've been to England, Australia, America, New Zealand, Malaysia, Italy and Singapore.
32.Some people say I have an irrational dislike for all things French.
33.I say it's entirely rational.
34.There's a distinct possibility that I'm an illegitimate descendant of Karl Marx- it's not proven, but there is evidence to suggest it.
35.I honestly can't think of an absolute favourite book, movie, tv show or album because I like too many things.
36.My list of fetishes is vast.
37.But my favourite toys are my canes- I love the elegance of a good rattan, and the effect it has.
38.My sex partners have varied in age from 17 to 54, but I did once do a scene with a 62 y.o. Sub. He was very sweet, but it really didn't turn me on at all.
39.I love ageplay now as a Daddy, but my first experience of it was as a little.
40.Actually, most of my initial BDSM experience was as a bottom.
41.My favourite webcomic is Questionable Content, but I also enjoy Penny Arcade, Two Lumps, XKCD, Comics for Sad Children, Dinosaur Comics, The Adventures of Chifley and Wasted Talent.
42.In order of my preference for them, my favourite ancient civilisations are the Greeks, the Akkadians, the Romans, the Babylonians, the Persians, the Israelites, the Macedonians and the Egyptians.
43.My handwriting is terrible, but I'm a very good speller.
44.My favourite philosopher is Soren Kierkegaarde, followed very closely by Hegel and Nietzsche.
45.My least favourite philosopher is Michel Foucault, followed by Kant and Pseudo-Apollodrus.
46. I love poetry.
47.But not a glass of scotch. I have taste aversion from too much of the cheap stuff as a younger man. It's a shame.
48.I do love bourbon, though.
49.I prefer my sandwiches toasted.
50.I'm only half way through this list, and already I'm running out of ideas.
51.I'm very sentimental.
52.I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy when I was 12- long before they were cool again.
53.Some of my favourite writers include (in no particular order): Phillip K. Dick, Tamora Pierce, Alison Bechdel, Dan Abnett, George Orwell, Alan Ginsberg, Shakespeare, Catullus, Aeschylus (the Oresteia only), Seutonius, Sappho, Phillip Marlowe, JRR Tolkein, Ryu Murakami, Patrick Califia, Petronius, Ian Fleming, Poppy Z. Brite, Tennessee Williams, Berthold Brecht, Eugene Ionesco, Keats, H.P. Lovecraft, Elaine Cunningham, Hunter S. Thompson and Robert Frost.
54.Some popular writers who I dislike include: Steig Larsson, Tom Clancy, Stephanie Meyer, Jack Kerouack, James Joyce, Isabel Allende and Jean-Paul Sartre.
55.I can't walk down stairs without watching my feet.
56.I like shouting at the tv, newspaper, radio and computer.
57.It's very rare that I can stop thinking entirely.
58.Before I go to sleep, I make up stories in my head. These never really go anywhere, it's just a habit that helps me fall asleep.
59.I used to feel self-conscious about this when I was sharing a bed with someone, as though they could hear my thoughts.
60.I'm really bad at talking on the phone, I never can think of things to say.
61.My memory for names and faces is awful.
62.I have an oddly ambivalent relationship to the Harry Potter series. Whilst I will admit to enjoying the books, I also happily admit to the fact that they aren't really that good, and that I am vaguely ashamed of liking them as much as I do.
63.I was really terrified of getting old before I met Rose. Now as long as it happens with her there at my side, it doesn't bother me.
64.I can quote the Simpsons with far too much ease to be healthy. I very much enjoy my quote battles with Rose.
65.I find it very difficult to get into comics or graphic novels, for some reason.
66.The exception to this seems to be anything by Alison Bechdel. Not sure what that says about me.
67.I have a deviantart. Oh, yes. And I've had it since I was an angsty 15y.o. pseudo-goth poet. I also once had a deadjournal, which my school found and gave a copy to one of the counsellors, with whom I had compulsory sessions for the next year. I was messed up.
68.If fart jokes, poo jokes, dick jokes and childish name calling were good enough for Aristophanes, they're good enough for me.
69.I like grapes.
70.But not wine, mostly.
71.I enjoy country music more than I'm usually willing to admit to.
72.I'm not usually a wimp when it comes to pain- except when this pain is being inflicted by a goddamn dentist. I hate the dentist.
73.Checking word counts when typing for extended periods has become such an ingrained response in me that I've done it about ten times while writing this. Stupid academia.
74.My favourite R.E.M song is Orange Crush.
75.Rose is the first person ever to make me cum from oral sex.
76.I'm proud to say the reverse is also true.
77.My hair is naturally curly, and thus makes me goofy-looking. I spent about 10 years shaving it.
78.I don't take very much care over my appearance, so I'm very lucky to have a girl who thinks I look wonderful even when in reality, I'm a slob.
79.If I'm in a shop alone, I will talk to myself. Even if there are other people in the shop, if I'm not actually with someone I know, I will discuss the shopping experience aloud at great length. I only really became conscious of this a couple of years ago, so I sometimes wonder how long I did it for before then.
80.I actually know how many roads a man must walk down, but I'm not going to tell you.
81.Whilst modern rap and hip-hop displease me greatly, I have an odd fondness for early 90's west coast rap. I blame this on having played too much GTA: San Andreas as a teenager.
82.My eyesight is truly appalling.
83.My left shoulder often aches and cramps up due to an old rugby injury.
84.I also once nearly drowned in mud during a rugby match. That was not fun.
85.For these reasons Rose would offer serious objections to me ever taking it up again.
86.I'm excited to be getting close to the end. It's getting harder and harder to come up with interesting facts without resorting to meta crap like this one.
87.I once had pretty serious anger issues. People who didn't know me then, but do now often find this surprising.
88.My favourite Weird Al Yankovic song is 'Your Horoscope for Today'. It always makes me laugh.
89.Ich spreche Deutsche sehr gut. Ich habe es im schule gelernt.
90.At various points, I've also studied Italian, French, Ancient Greek and Latin. I've also managed to pick up a reasonable amount of Spanish and smaller amounts of Japanese and Portugese.
91.I've been to Tasmania. I'd do it again, too.
92.Though if I didn't have family there, I'd be happy never to go back to New South Wales. A whole state of you're doing it wrong.
93.I've been known to scream and hyperventilate while reading the opinion pages in the newspaper.
94.I also screamed at customers while answering the phones for a local telecommunications company. Customer service is not really my ideal job, at least not while the customer continues to be the most dim-witted form of life on the planet.
95.I also once screamed at one of my managers. He was very nice about it, afterwards. It made me feel very sheepish. I hated that job with a passion.
96.I am proud that I stuck it out for as long as I did, though.
97.Some of my favourite words to say include: haberdasher, solipsism, elision, callapygian, deleterious, grandiloquent, somnolent, syzygy, mercurial, saprophyte, circumflex and verily.
98.I enjoy a good crossword. Quite the cruciverbalist am I.
99.Palindromes usually make me smile. Rats live on no evil star. Glenelg. Madam, I'm adam. Dr. Awkward. Etc.
100.I am glad to be done with this list. But it was fun while it lasted. Thank you for reading.
1.I am pretty hairy, in head, body and facial terms.
2.I've had a beard of varying descriptions for the last four years. I kept clean shaven for a few months while I was dating someone who didn't like beards, but apart from that I grew a goatee when I graduated from highschool and it's stayed with me, just expanded.
3.I don't like tea or coffee.
4.But I love soup and like hot chocolate. Go figure.
5.I generally prefer savoury things to sweet things.
6.I used to play rugby union.
7.I was born in England, but moved to Australia when I was 4.
8.My earliest memory is eating an icicle on my 4th birthday.
9.I don't generally wear any kind of scent, cologne or deoderant. No aftershave, because I don't really shave.
10.My first job was selling electricity and gas contracts door-to-door. It was hideous, but I was quite good at it.
11.I very much enjoy science-fiction.
12.My favourite video game of all time is Baldur's Gate 2, but I don't care overmuch for Throne of Bhaal.
13.I'm not especially close to my family, but we do get along.
14.My best non-Rose friend and I have known each other since we were 5.
15.My favourite beer is a two-way tie between Old Speckled Hen and Prickly Moses Otway Stout.
16.I never used to like spicy foods, but now I do.
17.I have, at various times, played Warhammer, Dungeons & Dragons and Magic: The Gathering- the full nerd trinity.
18.I am not in any way ashamed of 17.
19.I'm training to be a librarian, and am really looking forward to becoming one.
20.Despite this, my personal book collection is very disorganised and haphazard.
21.I have a perverse love for cold, wet weather.
22.I deny the existence of all pokemon with numbers higher than 151.
23.I am an agnostic, but a pagan sympathiser.
24.My preferred referencing system is the Oxford system.
25.I have a degree in Classics and Archaeology.
26.I originally went to uni to study psychology, but I'm just not sciency enough. I am intensely proud of Rose for her ability to stick out the sciencey bits.
27.My curiosities about BDSM were first aroused by an on-line girlfriend I had when I was 16.
28.It took me until I was 18 to really get into it.
29.I didn't have my first real life kink experience until I was 19, though.
30.If you haven't guessed by now, I'm a genuine, high-functioning geek.
31.I've been to England, Australia, America, New Zealand, Malaysia, Italy and Singapore.
32.Some people say I have an irrational dislike for all things French.
33.I say it's entirely rational.
34.There's a distinct possibility that I'm an illegitimate descendant of Karl Marx- it's not proven, but there is evidence to suggest it.
35.I honestly can't think of an absolute favourite book, movie, tv show or album because I like too many things.
36.My list of fetishes is vast.
37.But my favourite toys are my canes- I love the elegance of a good rattan, and the effect it has.
38.My sex partners have varied in age from 17 to 54, but I did once do a scene with a 62 y.o. Sub. He was very sweet, but it really didn't turn me on at all.
39.I love ageplay now as a Daddy, but my first experience of it was as a little.
40.Actually, most of my initial BDSM experience was as a bottom.
41.My favourite webcomic is Questionable Content, but I also enjoy Penny Arcade, Two Lumps, XKCD, Comics for Sad Children, Dinosaur Comics, The Adventures of Chifley and Wasted Talent.
42.In order of my preference for them, my favourite ancient civilisations are the Greeks, the Akkadians, the Romans, the Babylonians, the Persians, the Israelites, the Macedonians and the Egyptians.
43.My handwriting is terrible, but I'm a very good speller.
44.My favourite philosopher is Soren Kierkegaarde, followed very closely by Hegel and Nietzsche.
45.My least favourite philosopher is Michel Foucault, followed by Kant and Pseudo-Apollodrus.
46. I love poetry.
47.But not a glass of scotch. I have taste aversion from too much of the cheap stuff as a younger man. It's a shame.
48.I do love bourbon, though.
49.I prefer my sandwiches toasted.
50.I'm only half way through this list, and already I'm running out of ideas.
51.I'm very sentimental.
52.I read the Lord of the Rings trilogy when I was 12- long before they were cool again.
53.Some of my favourite writers include (in no particular order): Phillip K. Dick, Tamora Pierce, Alison Bechdel, Dan Abnett, George Orwell, Alan Ginsberg, Shakespeare, Catullus, Aeschylus (the Oresteia only), Seutonius, Sappho, Phillip Marlowe, JRR Tolkein, Ryu Murakami, Patrick Califia, Petronius, Ian Fleming, Poppy Z. Brite, Tennessee Williams, Berthold Brecht, Eugene Ionesco, Keats, H.P. Lovecraft, Elaine Cunningham, Hunter S. Thompson and Robert Frost.
54.Some popular writers who I dislike include: Steig Larsson, Tom Clancy, Stephanie Meyer, Jack Kerouack, James Joyce, Isabel Allende and Jean-Paul Sartre.
55.I can't walk down stairs without watching my feet.
56.I like shouting at the tv, newspaper, radio and computer.
57.It's very rare that I can stop thinking entirely.
58.Before I go to sleep, I make up stories in my head. These never really go anywhere, it's just a habit that helps me fall asleep.
59.I used to feel self-conscious about this when I was sharing a bed with someone, as though they could hear my thoughts.
60.I'm really bad at talking on the phone, I never can think of things to say.
61.My memory for names and faces is awful.
62.I have an oddly ambivalent relationship to the Harry Potter series. Whilst I will admit to enjoying the books, I also happily admit to the fact that they aren't really that good, and that I am vaguely ashamed of liking them as much as I do.
63.I was really terrified of getting old before I met Rose. Now as long as it happens with her there at my side, it doesn't bother me.
64.I can quote the Simpsons with far too much ease to be healthy. I very much enjoy my quote battles with Rose.
65.I find it very difficult to get into comics or graphic novels, for some reason.
66.The exception to this seems to be anything by Alison Bechdel. Not sure what that says about me.
67.I have a deviantart. Oh, yes. And I've had it since I was an angsty 15y.o. pseudo-goth poet. I also once had a deadjournal, which my school found and gave a copy to one of the counsellors, with whom I had compulsory sessions for the next year. I was messed up.
68.If fart jokes, poo jokes, dick jokes and childish name calling were good enough for Aristophanes, they're good enough for me.
69.I like grapes.
70.But not wine, mostly.
71.I enjoy country music more than I'm usually willing to admit to.
72.I'm not usually a wimp when it comes to pain- except when this pain is being inflicted by a goddamn dentist. I hate the dentist.
73.Checking word counts when typing for extended periods has become such an ingrained response in me that I've done it about ten times while writing this. Stupid academia.
74.My favourite R.E.M song is Orange Crush.
75.Rose is the first person ever to make me cum from oral sex.
76.I'm proud to say the reverse is also true.
77.My hair is naturally curly, and thus makes me goofy-looking. I spent about 10 years shaving it.
78.I don't take very much care over my appearance, so I'm very lucky to have a girl who thinks I look wonderful even when in reality, I'm a slob.
79.If I'm in a shop alone, I will talk to myself. Even if there are other people in the shop, if I'm not actually with someone I know, I will discuss the shopping experience aloud at great length. I only really became conscious of this a couple of years ago, so I sometimes wonder how long I did it for before then.
80.I actually know how many roads a man must walk down, but I'm not going to tell you.
81.Whilst modern rap and hip-hop displease me greatly, I have an odd fondness for early 90's west coast rap. I blame this on having played too much GTA: San Andreas as a teenager.
82.My eyesight is truly appalling.
83.My left shoulder often aches and cramps up due to an old rugby injury.
84.I also once nearly drowned in mud during a rugby match. That was not fun.
85.For these reasons Rose would offer serious objections to me ever taking it up again.
86.I'm excited to be getting close to the end. It's getting harder and harder to come up with interesting facts without resorting to meta crap like this one.
87.I once had pretty serious anger issues. People who didn't know me then, but do now often find this surprising.
88.My favourite Weird Al Yankovic song is 'Your Horoscope for Today'. It always makes me laugh.
89.Ich spreche Deutsche sehr gut. Ich habe es im schule gelernt.
90.At various points, I've also studied Italian, French, Ancient Greek and Latin. I've also managed to pick up a reasonable amount of Spanish and smaller amounts of Japanese and Portugese.
91.I've been to Tasmania. I'd do it again, too.
92.Though if I didn't have family there, I'd be happy never to go back to New South Wales. A whole state of you're doing it wrong.
93.I've been known to scream and hyperventilate while reading the opinion pages in the newspaper.
94.I also screamed at customers while answering the phones for a local telecommunications company. Customer service is not really my ideal job, at least not while the customer continues to be the most dim-witted form of life on the planet.
95.I also once screamed at one of my managers. He was very nice about it, afterwards. It made me feel very sheepish. I hated that job with a passion.
96.I am proud that I stuck it out for as long as I did, though.
97.Some of my favourite words to say include: haberdasher, solipsism, elision, callapygian, deleterious, grandiloquent, somnolent, syzygy, mercurial, saprophyte, circumflex and verily.
98.I enjoy a good crossword. Quite the cruciverbalist am I.
99.Palindromes usually make me smile. Rats live on no evil star. Glenelg. Madam, I'm adam. Dr. Awkward. Etc.
100.I am glad to be done with this list. But it was fun while it lasted. Thank you for reading.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Four names
Often when I'm lying in bed with my pet, or just cuddling her in general, I'll whisper eight words in her ear. A little phrase that's become one of the rituals of our relationship. I love the way she reacts, the way she purrs or sighs or melts into me as she hears them, the little shift of her body that perhaps only someone as close as I am to her could read that shows how much pleasure she takes from those words.
My pet.
My slave.
My love.
My Rose.
My pet because she is my pet, for all the affection she shows me, for all the comfort she brings me, for all the loyalty she gives me. My pet for the way I hold her, the way I touch her, the way she purrs with the pleasure of the gentlest strokes. My pet for the adoration in her eyes when she looks up to me from at my feet, the way she seeks me out without waking up when we sleep together, for the thousand little ways she lets me know that I'm at the center of her world.
My slave because she is my slave, for her obedience, for her service, for the way she faces all her fears and challenges just to make me happy. My slave for the pride she brings me as her Master, for the pleasure she brings me in my bed, for her unashamed pleasure in making me happy. My slave for the way she wears my collar, for the way she wears her marks, for the dreamy smile on her face when she goes into subspace. My slave for the way she cums at my order, for the colour her backside goes when I spank it, for the way she takes such intense pain for me with grace and joy. My slave for the way she kneels, the way she worships, the way she makes me feel like a king.
My love because she is my love, for the happiness I take from seeing her smile, for the way I can't be happy unless I know she is too, for the joy and peace her love brings me. My love for the comfort she gives me, my love for the strength she brings me, my love for the good in me that would not exist without her. My love for the way she kisses me, for the way she knows all the silly little things about me, for the way she remembers all the little things we share together. My love for the cookies she bakes for me, my love for her kindness, my love for her sweet and loving heart. My love for the cuddles on cold nights, my love for ladybugs and ants, my love for the thousand and one little things and happy memories we have together.
My Rose because she is my Rose, for all the quirks and sillinesses, for the her love of animals, for the tiny things that make her unique and make me need her more and more everyday. My Rose for our silly in-jokes and quotes, for her laugh and her smile, for being the best friend I've ever had and so much more besides. My Rose for the way she shakes when it's cold and is sad when it rains, for the way she falls asleep curled up with me watching movies together, for the way I could hold her all night when she does. My Rose for ponchos and the coastguard, for beasts and belles, for repo-men and deranged barbers. My Rose for picnics in her dorm room, for driving late at night and listening to metal, for single lonely hiccups. My Rose for lying in the sun, for glitter in my bed, for laughing and crying together. My Rose for silliness and happiness, for sadness and tears, for every mood and every moment. My Rose for everything we've shared together, for everything we will share together, for the life we'll have together.
These are just a few of the things you mean to me, pet. Thank you for each and every one of them. I love you.
My pet.
My slave.
My love.
My Rose.
My pet because she is my pet, for all the affection she shows me, for all the comfort she brings me, for all the loyalty she gives me. My pet for the way I hold her, the way I touch her, the way she purrs with the pleasure of the gentlest strokes. My pet for the adoration in her eyes when she looks up to me from at my feet, the way she seeks me out without waking up when we sleep together, for the thousand little ways she lets me know that I'm at the center of her world.
My slave because she is my slave, for her obedience, for her service, for the way she faces all her fears and challenges just to make me happy. My slave for the pride she brings me as her Master, for the pleasure she brings me in my bed, for her unashamed pleasure in making me happy. My slave for the way she wears my collar, for the way she wears her marks, for the dreamy smile on her face when she goes into subspace. My slave for the way she cums at my order, for the colour her backside goes when I spank it, for the way she takes such intense pain for me with grace and joy. My slave for the way she kneels, the way she worships, the way she makes me feel like a king.
My love because she is my love, for the happiness I take from seeing her smile, for the way I can't be happy unless I know she is too, for the joy and peace her love brings me. My love for the comfort she gives me, my love for the strength she brings me, my love for the good in me that would not exist without her. My love for the way she kisses me, for the way she knows all the silly little things about me, for the way she remembers all the little things we share together. My love for the cookies she bakes for me, my love for her kindness, my love for her sweet and loving heart. My love for the cuddles on cold nights, my love for ladybugs and ants, my love for the thousand and one little things and happy memories we have together.
My Rose because she is my Rose, for all the quirks and sillinesses, for the her love of animals, for the tiny things that make her unique and make me need her more and more everyday. My Rose for our silly in-jokes and quotes, for her laugh and her smile, for being the best friend I've ever had and so much more besides. My Rose for the way she shakes when it's cold and is sad when it rains, for the way she falls asleep curled up with me watching movies together, for the way I could hold her all night when she does. My Rose for ponchos and the coastguard, for beasts and belles, for repo-men and deranged barbers. My Rose for picnics in her dorm room, for driving late at night and listening to metal, for single lonely hiccups. My Rose for lying in the sun, for glitter in my bed, for laughing and crying together. My Rose for silliness and happiness, for sadness and tears, for every mood and every moment. My Rose for everything we've shared together, for everything we will share together, for the life we'll have together.
These are just a few of the things you mean to me, pet. Thank you for each and every one of them. I love you.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Rage
Not especially BDSM related, so feel free to skip this one.
Today I was moved to write not one, but two letters to the editors of major newspapers. This is a rare occurence, but sometimes there's just too much bile not for me to have somewhere to spew it. I thought they were at least entertaining, but maybe not. Unfortuatly, neither of the articles that prompted these letters are yet available online, but if I remember to check and they come up, I'll update with links.
Letter no.1, regarding columnist Andrew Bolt (I really hope he finds this when he self-googles)
Today I was moved to write not one, but two letters to the editors of major newspapers. This is a rare occurence, but sometimes there's just too much bile not for me to have somewhere to spew it. I thought they were at least entertaining, but maybe not. Unfortuatly, neither of the articles that prompted these letters are yet available online, but if I remember to check and they come up, I'll update with links.
Letter no.1, regarding columnist Andrew Bolt (I really hope he finds this when he self-googles)
"The continued publication by the Herald Sun of the disingenuous and self-aggrandising ravings of Mr. Andrew Bolt are a disgrace. This smug, egocentric guardian of morality is as self-serving as he is hypocritical, and as intellectually sleazy as he is anachronistic.
His attack on the journalistic standards of The Age and smug appeals to 'reason' were especially galling, given his own ad hominem attacks on those who disagree with him, and use of his personal soapbox for self-important vainglorying and the dissemination of outdated prejudices and ideologies"
His attack on the journalistic standards of The Age and smug appeals to 'reason' were especially galling, given his own ad hominem attacks on those who disagree with him, and use of his personal soapbox for self-important vainglorying and the dissemination of outdated prejudices and ideologies"
Letter no.2, regarding columnist Susie O'Brian
If Susie O'Brien thinks there is nothing liberating about 'wearing a gimp mask and being tied to a chair', then I suggest she try it sometime.
Conflating the issues of an individual right to a satisfactory and enjoyable sex-life with shrill "won't somebody please think of the children" outrage and moralistic judgements is an unfair, unwarranted and intellectually dishonest attack on a sexual minority who are already considered fair game for abuse and ridicule. The increasing popularity of BDSM and the sexualisation of music videos are separate issues.
I encourage Susie to come out and meet us in the BDSM community sometime. She might find we're more interesting and likable than she imagined.
Conflating the issues of an individual right to a satisfactory and enjoyable sex-life with shrill "won't somebody please think of the children" outrage and moralistic judgements is an unfair, unwarranted and intellectually dishonest attack on a sexual minority who are already considered fair game for abuse and ridicule. The increasing popularity of BDSM and the sexualisation of music videos are separate issues.
I encourage Susie to come out and meet us in the BDSM community sometime. She might find we're more interesting and likable than she imagined.
Ok, editorial over, resuming kink in 3, 2, 1....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
standards
(the last post I'll import from soulcast- promise!)
I haven't posted anything for a while, so I thought I'd give you all another insight into what I like to think of as my theoretical side. I think it's important to have a theory behind what you do- an intellectual and psychological framework that helps me understand what I do as a dom and in understanding it, become better at it. So, my usual practice after each scene is to review it in my mind, looking at what I did right, what went wrong, what could be improved, any ideas that could be taken further, any new ideas that have arisen, stuff like that. (Not just egoistically focused, I also think about my sub :P)
Anyway, something that's evolved through this is a criteria, or a set of standards that I like to hold myself to as a Dom. I'd like to share that with you all, and see what you think.
1. Technical skills- did I do everything safely and effectively? Was my flogging accurate and controlled? Was my bondage safe and efficient? Was I at all times listening for a safeword and watching my playmate's response? Did I leave any marks that I didn't intend to? Did I stretch my skills? Did they improve?
2. Communication- Were my instructions clear and comprehensible? Was I constantly letting my sub feel safe by knowing she's under the power of someone she trusts and will look after her? Was I payng attention to the details of her responses and tracking her condition in my mind?
3. Fun- was it an enjoyable session for my sub? Did I enjoy it? Was it satisfying mentally? Sexually? Aesthetically? Emotionally? Do I feel happier? Do I feel closer to my sub, more connected? Does she share those feelings? Does she feel happy in the aftermath? What about when the afterglow fades?
4. Desire- this is the hardest one, because it involves balancing two contradictory maxims: "always leave the audience wanting more" and "never leave a lover unsatisfied". Have I given her a desire for more, while leaving her for the moment completely satisfied and still?
If I can answer yes to all of those questions (and I mean ALL) it's a good session. There will never be a perfect session, and generally I'm happy if I can get through without feeling that there are more than two or three questions which I have to say no for. So yeah. These are the standards I hold myself to. I hope this has been enlightening.
I haven't posted anything for a while, so I thought I'd give you all another insight into what I like to think of as my theoretical side. I think it's important to have a theory behind what you do- an intellectual and psychological framework that helps me understand what I do as a dom and in understanding it, become better at it. So, my usual practice after each scene is to review it in my mind, looking at what I did right, what went wrong, what could be improved, any ideas that could be taken further, any new ideas that have arisen, stuff like that. (Not just egoistically focused, I also think about my sub :P)
Anyway, something that's evolved through this is a criteria, or a set of standards that I like to hold myself to as a Dom. I'd like to share that with you all, and see what you think.
1. Technical skills- did I do everything safely and effectively? Was my flogging accurate and controlled? Was my bondage safe and efficient? Was I at all times listening for a safeword and watching my playmate's response? Did I leave any marks that I didn't intend to? Did I stretch my skills? Did they improve?
2. Communication- Were my instructions clear and comprehensible? Was I constantly letting my sub feel safe by knowing she's under the power of someone she trusts and will look after her? Was I payng attention to the details of her responses and tracking her condition in my mind?
3. Fun- was it an enjoyable session for my sub? Did I enjoy it? Was it satisfying mentally? Sexually? Aesthetically? Emotionally? Do I feel happier? Do I feel closer to my sub, more connected? Does she share those feelings? Does she feel happy in the aftermath? What about when the afterglow fades?
4. Desire- this is the hardest one, because it involves balancing two contradictory maxims: "always leave the audience wanting more" and "never leave a lover unsatisfied". Have I given her a desire for more, while leaving her for the moment completely satisfied and still?
If I can answer yes to all of those questions (and I mean ALL) it's a good session. There will never be a perfect session, and generally I'm happy if I can get through without feeling that there are more than two or three questions which I have to say no for. So yeah. These are the standards I hold myself to. I hope this has been enlightening.
I wanted...
(again, another imported post- this one was written to celebrate six months since my pet accepted her training collar, and I like what I wrote, so I thought it worth sharing)
I wanted to be able to put what I feel into words. I wanted to sit down and, Ovid-like, pump out beautiful, metrically correct, witty, charming verse in praise of the one I love.
Words. I wanted to give you words.
But it's beyond words. There is nothing to be said that I haven't already said a thousand times, nothing beyond saying I love you, and knowing that I mean it in the most absolute way, and being sure beyond any doubting that you love me just the same.
I. First person singular pronoun reflecting the speaker as a participant in the action to be described.
Love. First person singular present active verb, to adore, to worship, to revere, to cherish, to feel warm, positive emotions without relent even during the darkest moments.
You. Second person singular pronoun, the subject and recipient of love. More than that, happily, the returner of my love with her's. Mine.
Grammar makes me happy, and I can lose myself for hours in the complexities of syntax, morphology, etymology, semantics, conjugations and declensions. Language makes me happier still, I can lose myself for a lifetime in reading and listening, speaking and writing, trying to find the perfect way to express every thought that comes to me.
I once wrote that "without the cage of language to contain it, perception is unlimited. Yet without the structure of language to communicate it, perception cannot transcend subjectivity." I never knew then, that something could be at once beyond perception and beyond language. I was unaware that there was a love that could not be articulated, could not even be accurately perceived, that was just simply known, right in the core of one's being. Now I do, and I am a wiser man.
I love you, my pet. Those are the only words I can really give you- but they are the most important, and the most precious of all.
"And when he has brought forth and reared this perfect virtue, he shall be called the friend of god, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him." - Plato.
Words. I wanted to give you words.
But it's beyond words. There is nothing to be said that I haven't already said a thousand times, nothing beyond saying I love you, and knowing that I mean it in the most absolute way, and being sure beyond any doubting that you love me just the same.
I. First person singular pronoun reflecting the speaker as a participant in the action to be described.
Love. First person singular present active verb, to adore, to worship, to revere, to cherish, to feel warm, positive emotions without relent even during the darkest moments.
You. Second person singular pronoun, the subject and recipient of love. More than that, happily, the returner of my love with her's. Mine.
Grammar makes me happy, and I can lose myself for hours in the complexities of syntax, morphology, etymology, semantics, conjugations and declensions. Language makes me happier still, I can lose myself for a lifetime in reading and listening, speaking and writing, trying to find the perfect way to express every thought that comes to me.
I once wrote that "without the cage of language to contain it, perception is unlimited. Yet without the structure of language to communicate it, perception cannot transcend subjectivity." I never knew then, that something could be at once beyond perception and beyond language. I was unaware that there was a love that could not be articulated, could not even be accurately perceived, that was just simply known, right in the core of one's being. Now I do, and I am a wiser man.
I love you, my pet. Those are the only words I can really give you- but they are the most important, and the most precious of all.
"And when he has brought forth and reared this perfect virtue, he shall be called the friend of god, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him." - Plato.
Virtue
(another post brought over from my old blog)
What makes a good dom? As far as I can tell, and I've been thinking on this matter a lot over recent months, it can be boiled down to a few virtues that flow neatly, simply one to the next. Allow me to present them.
At the core of it, the mother of all these virtues and the one virtue necessary before one can claim to be a good dom comes humility. What is humility? Humility is not neurotic or unhealthy levels of self-doubt, nor it is an inferiority complex nor a lack of self-worth. It is not the lacking of any pride at all, because a level of pride and the ability to take pride in one's is healthy in a dom, as it is in anyone. Humility is pride within realistic limits, the understanding that holding a whip does not bestow omniscience or infalibility on a dom, the constant memory that one is only human, flawed and capable of making mistakes. If you do not think you can make mistakes, then you will never be prepared to deal with them when you do. It is also the ability to see your sub as still being human, with the same rights to happiness, safety and security no matter how much power they surrender to you- and the wisdom to see that their giving you that power gives you the responsibility to bestow those things on them.
When a dom has humility, then the second virtue will emerge as one begins to identify with their sub: compassion. Compassion in the BDSM sense may not be the same as it is in the more general. Compassion in a dom is not, after all, an unwillingness to see hurt come to anyone. It is an understanding that your sub has needs, and seeking to meet them as well as possible, as well as balancing their needs in that moment against their longterm well-being. It is also compassion for yourself. An overdose of humility may lead a dom to sacrificing themselves beyond what is healthy or productive, or the belief that you can change anything and fix any and all problems that might occur. No one is well served when you beat your head against a brick wall without the possibility of changing things.
When a dom mixes true humility with compassion, then the necessary consequence is the development of self-control. To quote Patrick Califia, one of my favourite kinky writers 'injury is most often the result of arrogance, ignorance, or intoxication'. The ability to control one's desires, to modulate and moderate one's fantasies to the restraints of reality and the limits of your sub is the heart of self-control, and the self-control of the dom is the lynchpin of a safe scene. Once you are compassionate enough to recognise the limits of your sub and humble enough to recognise you have no right to arbitrarily violate them, then self-control will be the natural consequence of these virtues.
Self-control will always seek knowledge of the boundaries in which it operates. Knowledge of yourself- how hard can I spank? How long am I capable of remaining focussed on the scene for? Knowledge of your sub- how long can she take a caning for? Where are her emotional buttons? Which ones are safe to press, and which should be left alone? Knowledge of technique- DO I know how to do this activity safely? What is a safe way to restrain her for this activity? What is the best way to create sensation without damage? Knowledge of your equipment- how severe is that flogger? How would I clean this toy if it came in contact with blood?
When one has the self control necessary to bridge between fantasy and reality, and the knowledge to perform those actions, then we have the playground in which the dom can let his imagination exercise itself. Imagination keeps things fresh and interesting, it sees ways around problems and roadblocks that may come up on the road deeper into your D/s relationship, it allows you to push things in directions neither of you may have predicted before, but being grounded in knowledge and self-control does so in a manner that is always safe and controlled.
The final virtue arises out of knowledge and imagination, and is the spirit of adventure. A truly great dom has this- his imagination and knowledge of his sub and the secret corners of her mind and desires enables him to keep pushing, to go deeper, to constantly try and find new things, to refine existing techniques and skills, to keep learning, to keep the romance and the novelty and the excitement, the eroticism, the energy of the relationship alive and growing. A sense of adventure embraces change, rejoices in watching the dom and the sub grow and develop both as individuals and couples, and always seeks out the next step on the road.
Those among you who are so inclined might notice that the virtues I've set out here follow the pattern of the fibonacci sequence; each virtue arising from the sum of the two that preceeded it. From that, you may deduce, these virtues must continue indefinately in number and advancement. Perhaps they do, but I feel that the ones I've listed here form the foundation of what it means to be a good dom. Do I live up to them? Probably not. Not yet. I hope to, one day, hopefully one day soon, but the reality is that a standard of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Being unattainable, however, does not mean that it is not worth shooting for.
Questions? Comments? Things I've missed? Let me know.
What makes a good dom? As far as I can tell, and I've been thinking on this matter a lot over recent months, it can be boiled down to a few virtues that flow neatly, simply one to the next. Allow me to present them.
At the core of it, the mother of all these virtues and the one virtue necessary before one can claim to be a good dom comes humility. What is humility? Humility is not neurotic or unhealthy levels of self-doubt, nor it is an inferiority complex nor a lack of self-worth. It is not the lacking of any pride at all, because a level of pride and the ability to take pride in one's is healthy in a dom, as it is in anyone. Humility is pride within realistic limits, the understanding that holding a whip does not bestow omniscience or infalibility on a dom, the constant memory that one is only human, flawed and capable of making mistakes. If you do not think you can make mistakes, then you will never be prepared to deal with them when you do. It is also the ability to see your sub as still being human, with the same rights to happiness, safety and security no matter how much power they surrender to you- and the wisdom to see that their giving you that power gives you the responsibility to bestow those things on them.
When a dom has humility, then the second virtue will emerge as one begins to identify with their sub: compassion. Compassion in the BDSM sense may not be the same as it is in the more general. Compassion in a dom is not, after all, an unwillingness to see hurt come to anyone. It is an understanding that your sub has needs, and seeking to meet them as well as possible, as well as balancing their needs in that moment against their longterm well-being. It is also compassion for yourself. An overdose of humility may lead a dom to sacrificing themselves beyond what is healthy or productive, or the belief that you can change anything and fix any and all problems that might occur. No one is well served when you beat your head against a brick wall without the possibility of changing things.
When a dom mixes true humility with compassion, then the necessary consequence is the development of self-control. To quote Patrick Califia, one of my favourite kinky writers 'injury is most often the result of arrogance, ignorance, or intoxication'. The ability to control one's desires, to modulate and moderate one's fantasies to the restraints of reality and the limits of your sub is the heart of self-control, and the self-control of the dom is the lynchpin of a safe scene. Once you are compassionate enough to recognise the limits of your sub and humble enough to recognise you have no right to arbitrarily violate them, then self-control will be the natural consequence of these virtues.
Self-control will always seek knowledge of the boundaries in which it operates. Knowledge of yourself- how hard can I spank? How long am I capable of remaining focussed on the scene for? Knowledge of your sub- how long can she take a caning for? Where are her emotional buttons? Which ones are safe to press, and which should be left alone? Knowledge of technique- DO I know how to do this activity safely? What is a safe way to restrain her for this activity? What is the best way to create sensation without damage? Knowledge of your equipment- how severe is that flogger? How would I clean this toy if it came in contact with blood?
When one has the self control necessary to bridge between fantasy and reality, and the knowledge to perform those actions, then we have the playground in which the dom can let his imagination exercise itself. Imagination keeps things fresh and interesting, it sees ways around problems and roadblocks that may come up on the road deeper into your D/s relationship, it allows you to push things in directions neither of you may have predicted before, but being grounded in knowledge and self-control does so in a manner that is always safe and controlled.
The final virtue arises out of knowledge and imagination, and is the spirit of adventure. A truly great dom has this- his imagination and knowledge of his sub and the secret corners of her mind and desires enables him to keep pushing, to go deeper, to constantly try and find new things, to refine existing techniques and skills, to keep learning, to keep the romance and the novelty and the excitement, the eroticism, the energy of the relationship alive and growing. A sense of adventure embraces change, rejoices in watching the dom and the sub grow and develop both as individuals and couples, and always seeks out the next step on the road.
Those among you who are so inclined might notice that the virtues I've set out here follow the pattern of the fibonacci sequence; each virtue arising from the sum of the two that preceeded it. From that, you may deduce, these virtues must continue indefinately in number and advancement. Perhaps they do, but I feel that the ones I've listed here form the foundation of what it means to be a good dom. Do I live up to them? Probably not. Not yet. I hope to, one day, hopefully one day soon, but the reality is that a standard of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Being unattainable, however, does not mean that it is not worth shooting for.
Questions? Comments? Things I've missed? Let me know.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
the dominant mentality
Subspace and subdrop are well understood and widely discussed phenomena. Most any introductory BDSM site or book will contain some advice to new subs, warning them to expect it, what it feels like, ways to cope when it comes, and more advanced ones will dedicate lengthy discussion to what causes it, and ways it can be brought on more quickly, more secretly, without the presence of one's Master, etc. It's a common topic of discussion, and a reasonable consensus exists as to the general patterns and sensations of it.
What about the other side of these states? Doms, after all, do need to find themselves in a headspace suitable to play, and can experience a drop of their own after it fades away. But, while it is in general agreed that this 'domspace' and 'domdrop' do exist, there's relatively little discussion and description of it out there. There are many possible reasons for this; perhaps your average dom is less sociable, more self-reliant than most subbies, perhaps the conditions are more ideopathic than their equivalents on the distaff side.
So i'll discuss it in personal terms.
It's not easy, though, to describe what domspace feels like, particularly to people who have never experienced it. How would you go about describing the colour yellow to someone who had never had sight? How would you explain the feeling of listening to Beethoven's Ninth to someone without hearing? Language really doesn't leave me with many ways to describe it
directly, so I'm going to have to resort to abstractions for it- apologies, but you're in for a lot of allusion, similie and metaphor. I'll try to remain as lucid and prosaic as possible, but no promises.
I believe it's John Milton who spoke of 'justifying man's ways to god, and god's to man'. In many ways, that's not far from the feeling of being in my dominant world. It's a feeling like being a divinity within a mortal world, and trying to link the two together. The feeling of power, of connectedness to my pet and to the whole world around us is amazing. I can feel my senses sharpen, my thinking accelerate, like the most savage adrenaline rush, but drawn out, going and going and going with no end in sight. I feel the change in my body, too, my posture changes, my muscles tense, my breathing shifts in rhythm, my skin tingles with a galvanic response. But the most important thing is the surge of confidence, of self-belief, of pure willpower that comes on. I make descisions in an instant, and I know they're right- not because of any external validity, but through the sheer fact of having made them; my desire for them to be perfect MAKES them perfect. That feeling, of reflexive, infallible, instinctive perfection is entirely intoxicating.
There's also the confidence of knowing one's exact place within the universe, and the contentment of knowing that you're there. When I'm in my dominant space there's no doubt, because I know that my place is right where I am, in the here and the now, and that the naked pet cowering at my feet, kissing them with such reverence and devotion is simply what I, as a god among mortals, deserve. She is worshipful, passionate, beautiful, and content in her place, and it is satisfying to know that I deserve such adulation.
The lust transforms me. It's an incredibly intense feeling of desire; knowledge that any carnal indulgence I desire is open to me- possession, control, desire, the drive to take the pleasure and satisfaction that is due to me, and the power and energy that come from this feeling open my body to pleasures that I had never dreamed possible.
It is the purest feeling of being alive, without doubt, without fear, with total and utter belief in myself, and the knowledge that I deserve every perk that comes from embracing the god within me. The tempatation to hubris is, of course, intense. The temptation to abuse my power is always there. I've spoken before about the virtues I think make a good dominant- being able to hold onto those even in these moments is of paramount importance. I know, in my lucid, normal moments that I am not a god. I am not perfect. I am fallible, weak, human. The foundation of the self-respect I keep in those moments where I'm aware of that is that I've been able to keep to those virtues even when I've been drunk on dominance; that even in those moments of pure, unreflective, uncritical desire, I've held onto the things I believed and acted in the best interests of my pet.
Domspace, then. A sensation like no other- a sensation I've only barely scratched the surface of in my description. One that defies more detailed definition by its very nature.
But not one that lasts forever.
It can last a long time. It might fade from the peak, but I can stay in a mild form of it, a low-key euphoria for days afterward. Sometimes, I don't drop, just fade back slowly to normalcy. But a lot of the time, I crash like an angel thrown from paradise.
That's the feeling. I was a god. My senses walked the world in a sharpness, a clarity, unknown to mortals. I have fed on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise. But now I'm not special. I'm ordinary, normal, boring, mortal, and even worse for having once been something more. I'm inert with a lack of energy, tired beyond belief, but usually unable to sleep, restless and without concentration. My body feels heavier than usual, my posture more stooped and downtrodden, my reflexes and movements unbearably sluggish. I'm indecisive, insecure, I doubt everything I do, feel irrational guilt and live in anxious apprehension of imminent calamity.
There are different degrees to it, of course. What I've written above is probably an extreme case, but it's what I felt up until about an hour ago. It's interesting that the degree to which I drop doesn't really bear any relation to how intensely or for how long I went into domspace. But the relationship of the sensations is clear- a feeling of being stripped of everything I felt while in space. Of losing the things that made me special, confident, euphoric. Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics, wrote 'If eudaimonia, or happiness, is action in accordance with excellence, then it stands to reason then this action must be in accordance with the highest excellence within us'. That eudaimonia, that happiness, that action n accordance with the highest excellence within me is what I have- and that happiness is what I lose when I drop.
It can last for anything from about 12 hours to two or three days. There are numerous things that I use to try and pull myself out or mitigate the feeling. Long, hot showers. Physical exertion. Indulgence in favourite foods. Trying to lose myself in some activity, study, reading, gaming, music, family, movies, anything I can get my mind to settle to. But what really works, the only cure that works every time, and what works quickest is...
My rose.
Talking to her, even on the phone, reminding myself that she still loves me, still worships me, still serves me, even when I'm at my weakest and lowest, hearing her voice, her laugh, her love, feeling her arms around me, resting curled up next to her, feeling her hands on my skin, soothing, caring, loving, so warm and sweet and devoted, all these things can bring me back to myself. There's no cure, no remedy, no balm that can exceed the feeling of having one's slave to care for you, of having one's love for her reflected back. No medicine like the devotion of a loving pet. Especially if she gives you a massage and makes you a pavlova. Doms are lucky to have such wonderful creatures to care for us in our moments of crisis.
I'm just luckier than the rest of you.
I hope this has been at least marginally comprehensible. Better yet, I hope it's helped you understand a little of what it's like for us d-types. Comments? Questions? Flaming arrows?
What about the other side of these states? Doms, after all, do need to find themselves in a headspace suitable to play, and can experience a drop of their own after it fades away. But, while it is in general agreed that this 'domspace' and 'domdrop' do exist, there's relatively little discussion and description of it out there. There are many possible reasons for this; perhaps your average dom is less sociable, more self-reliant than most subbies, perhaps the conditions are more ideopathic than their equivalents on the distaff side.
So i'll discuss it in personal terms.
It's not easy, though, to describe what domspace feels like, particularly to people who have never experienced it. How would you go about describing the colour yellow to someone who had never had sight? How would you explain the feeling of listening to Beethoven's Ninth to someone without hearing? Language really doesn't leave me with many ways to describe it
directly, so I'm going to have to resort to abstractions for it- apologies, but you're in for a lot of allusion, similie and metaphor. I'll try to remain as lucid and prosaic as possible, but no promises.
I believe it's John Milton who spoke of 'justifying man's ways to god, and god's to man'. In many ways, that's not far from the feeling of being in my dominant world. It's a feeling like being a divinity within a mortal world, and trying to link the two together. The feeling of power, of connectedness to my pet and to the whole world around us is amazing. I can feel my senses sharpen, my thinking accelerate, like the most savage adrenaline rush, but drawn out, going and going and going with no end in sight. I feel the change in my body, too, my posture changes, my muscles tense, my breathing shifts in rhythm, my skin tingles with a galvanic response. But the most important thing is the surge of confidence, of self-belief, of pure willpower that comes on. I make descisions in an instant, and I know they're right- not because of any external validity, but through the sheer fact of having made them; my desire for them to be perfect MAKES them perfect. That feeling, of reflexive, infallible, instinctive perfection is entirely intoxicating.
There's also the confidence of knowing one's exact place within the universe, and the contentment of knowing that you're there. When I'm in my dominant space there's no doubt, because I know that my place is right where I am, in the here and the now, and that the naked pet cowering at my feet, kissing them with such reverence and devotion is simply what I, as a god among mortals, deserve. She is worshipful, passionate, beautiful, and content in her place, and it is satisfying to know that I deserve such adulation.
The lust transforms me. It's an incredibly intense feeling of desire; knowledge that any carnal indulgence I desire is open to me- possession, control, desire, the drive to take the pleasure and satisfaction that is due to me, and the power and energy that come from this feeling open my body to pleasures that I had never dreamed possible.
It is the purest feeling of being alive, without doubt, without fear, with total and utter belief in myself, and the knowledge that I deserve every perk that comes from embracing the god within me. The tempatation to hubris is, of course, intense. The temptation to abuse my power is always there. I've spoken before about the virtues I think make a good dominant- being able to hold onto those even in these moments is of paramount importance. I know, in my lucid, normal moments that I am not a god. I am not perfect. I am fallible, weak, human. The foundation of the self-respect I keep in those moments where I'm aware of that is that I've been able to keep to those virtues even when I've been drunk on dominance; that even in those moments of pure, unreflective, uncritical desire, I've held onto the things I believed and acted in the best interests of my pet.
Domspace, then. A sensation like no other- a sensation I've only barely scratched the surface of in my description. One that defies more detailed definition by its very nature.
But not one that lasts forever.
It can last a long time. It might fade from the peak, but I can stay in a mild form of it, a low-key euphoria for days afterward. Sometimes, I don't drop, just fade back slowly to normalcy. But a lot of the time, I crash like an angel thrown from paradise.
That's the feeling. I was a god. My senses walked the world in a sharpness, a clarity, unknown to mortals. I have fed on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise. But now I'm not special. I'm ordinary, normal, boring, mortal, and even worse for having once been something more. I'm inert with a lack of energy, tired beyond belief, but usually unable to sleep, restless and without concentration. My body feels heavier than usual, my posture more stooped and downtrodden, my reflexes and movements unbearably sluggish. I'm indecisive, insecure, I doubt everything I do, feel irrational guilt and live in anxious apprehension of imminent calamity.
There are different degrees to it, of course. What I've written above is probably an extreme case, but it's what I felt up until about an hour ago. It's interesting that the degree to which I drop doesn't really bear any relation to how intensely or for how long I went into domspace. But the relationship of the sensations is clear- a feeling of being stripped of everything I felt while in space. Of losing the things that made me special, confident, euphoric. Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics, wrote 'If eudaimonia, or happiness, is action in accordance with excellence, then it stands to reason then this action must be in accordance with the highest excellence within us'. That eudaimonia, that happiness, that action n accordance with the highest excellence within me is what I have- and that happiness is what I lose when I drop.
It can last for anything from about 12 hours to two or three days. There are numerous things that I use to try and pull myself out or mitigate the feeling. Long, hot showers. Physical exertion. Indulgence in favourite foods. Trying to lose myself in some activity, study, reading, gaming, music, family, movies, anything I can get my mind to settle to. But what really works, the only cure that works every time, and what works quickest is...
My rose.
Talking to her, even on the phone, reminding myself that she still loves me, still worships me, still serves me, even when I'm at my weakest and lowest, hearing her voice, her laugh, her love, feeling her arms around me, resting curled up next to her, feeling her hands on my skin, soothing, caring, loving, so warm and sweet and devoted, all these things can bring me back to myself. There's no cure, no remedy, no balm that can exceed the feeling of having one's slave to care for you, of having one's love for her reflected back. No medicine like the devotion of a loving pet. Especially if she gives you a massage and makes you a pavlova. Doms are lucky to have such wonderful creatures to care for us in our moments of crisis.
I'm just luckier than the rest of you.
I hope this has been at least marginally comprehensible. Better yet, I hope it's helped you understand a little of what it's like for us d-types. Comments? Questions? Flaming arrows?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Hello, world.
Ahoy there, folks!
I'm Wyldwyl (call me Wyl), master of hiswyldrose. I've finally gotten around to moving my blog over to blogger- check back later, I'll bring some of my more important posts from my old blog over to here.
But for now, I'm Wyl. I'm a young dom based out of Melbourne, Australia. I've been in the lifestyle for around three years, now- the last 15 months or so with my beloved pet, and collared slave, rose. Before that I had a few online and real-world relationships with various subs, as well as spending a year bottoming for a very experienced top and learning all I could from him.
The stuff I'm interested in you can see over to the side there, as well as following my twitter if you're so inclined. The things I believe about bdsm...well, I think those are best reflected in my pet. But I'm always interested in coversations about bdsm, theory or practice, so by all means, get into one with me.
Ok, introduction over! Commence beating!
I'm Wyldwyl (call me Wyl), master of hiswyldrose. I've finally gotten around to moving my blog over to blogger- check back later, I'll bring some of my more important posts from my old blog over to here.
But for now, I'm Wyl. I'm a young dom based out of Melbourne, Australia. I've been in the lifestyle for around three years, now- the last 15 months or so with my beloved pet, and collared slave, rose. Before that I had a few online and real-world relationships with various subs, as well as spending a year bottoming for a very experienced top and learning all I could from him.
The stuff I'm interested in you can see over to the side there, as well as following my twitter if you're so inclined. The things I believe about bdsm...well, I think those are best reflected in my pet. But I'm always interested in coversations about bdsm, theory or practice, so by all means, get into one with me.
Ok, introduction over! Commence beating!
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