Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Innocent until proven...
So, I recently received the question on formspring 'what is something you've had to overcome in your BDSM life?" It was an intersting question, but unfortunately formspring ate my response. I'm going to try reconstructing it here.
When I was in the early stages of my relationship with rose, I had a lot of problems with guilt. This would be especially prevalent after scenes, often showing up as part of my drop. I would blame myself for everything that was less than perfect in the scene, in the relationship, in the world around me. I would be certain that there was no way in which rose could be happy with me, that because of my failings and the things I had done it was only a matter of time until I'd lose her- and even worse, that I'd deserve it. Basically, my train of thought was "You say you love this girl? How could you hurt/degrade/take advantage of her like that? What kind of person are you?" I've had problems in my life based around guilt and blaming myself for things beyond my control, of always looking for how I could attribute anything bad happening to my own failings for a long time, it's just that it seemed to particularly attach itself to the kink in my life.
And it sucked.
It came to a head late one night. We had been involved in what was (up until that point) the most intense scene in our three or four month old relationship. It had been very different to the scenes we had done so far- while normally our play is very mutual- with no real flavour of coercion or force involved, but of a slave willingly and gladly giving herself for her Master's enjoyment- this was very different. Much more conflict driven, more like forcing her to submit against her will, and her resisting me. While I did feel a sense of unease about this at the time, I pushed it down and saw the scene through to its conclusion, losing myself in the moment. It went far beyond what we'd done before, and really pushed both of us to our limits, despite being completely impromptu.
We were lying in bed together, afterward, when it hit me. Guilt, overwhelming. Guilt for having forced her to do something against her will (it wasn't). Guilt at having hurt her (I hadn't, beyond a few scratches and bruises). Guilt for having enjoyed doing something so abusive and vicious to her. Certainty that after this she would hate me, that she would leave, that she would never trust me again. Absolute terror that I would lose her. I broke down. I started crying uncontrollably. Begging and pleading for her to forgive me.
Rose was magnificent in that moment. Even though she was scared and worried for me, she took me in her arms and talked me down. Made me understand that she was fine, that I hadn't hurt her, that she had enjoyed what we had done, that there was no risk of me losing her. She slowly brought me back to a more lucid state, and from there the conversation started. She drew out of me eactly how I was feeling, got me to open up about events and feelings that I had never shared with another person, we talked about all the fears and anxieties and the guilt that was going through me. And she made it better. It was one of the moments that really convinced me that my rose was the girl -the slave, the pet, the lover, the partner- that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That she was the one for me. While it was a tough moment, it was -as so many of the toughest moments in relationships are- the one that was the key to making something that would last.
It hasn't been easy, or a perfect process. But I understand now that I don't need to fear letting go like that, or feel guilty about enjoying it. That play with rose is pleasure and joy for both of us. That even when I'm in the grip of the most powerful and sadistic throes of dom-space, that I can be trusted, that it can be a positive thing. I've had to do a lot of work with rose's help, and I'm not all the way there. I do still blame myself for things, and I haven't been able to change my thought processes to the degree I'd like as yet. But I'm making progress, and I've managed to all but eliminate it in our play and relationship. I couldn't have done it without rose, but with her...it's working.
The way we've grown together, grown FOR each other, is one of the most magical and satisfying things about our relationship, and I wouldn't trade any of the experiences that have lead us here, no matter how painful they were at the time.
When I was in the early stages of my relationship with rose, I had a lot of problems with guilt. This would be especially prevalent after scenes, often showing up as part of my drop. I would blame myself for everything that was less than perfect in the scene, in the relationship, in the world around me. I would be certain that there was no way in which rose could be happy with me, that because of my failings and the things I had done it was only a matter of time until I'd lose her- and even worse, that I'd deserve it. Basically, my train of thought was "You say you love this girl? How could you hurt/degrade/take advantage of her like that? What kind of person are you?" I've had problems in my life based around guilt and blaming myself for things beyond my control, of always looking for how I could attribute anything bad happening to my own failings for a long time, it's just that it seemed to particularly attach itself to the kink in my life.
And it sucked.
It came to a head late one night. We had been involved in what was (up until that point) the most intense scene in our three or four month old relationship. It had been very different to the scenes we had done so far- while normally our play is very mutual- with no real flavour of coercion or force involved, but of a slave willingly and gladly giving herself for her Master's enjoyment- this was very different. Much more conflict driven, more like forcing her to submit against her will, and her resisting me. While I did feel a sense of unease about this at the time, I pushed it down and saw the scene through to its conclusion, losing myself in the moment. It went far beyond what we'd done before, and really pushed both of us to our limits, despite being completely impromptu.
We were lying in bed together, afterward, when it hit me. Guilt, overwhelming. Guilt for having forced her to do something against her will (it wasn't). Guilt at having hurt her (I hadn't, beyond a few scratches and bruises). Guilt for having enjoyed doing something so abusive and vicious to her. Certainty that after this she would hate me, that she would leave, that she would never trust me again. Absolute terror that I would lose her. I broke down. I started crying uncontrollably. Begging and pleading for her to forgive me.
Rose was magnificent in that moment. Even though she was scared and worried for me, she took me in her arms and talked me down. Made me understand that she was fine, that I hadn't hurt her, that she had enjoyed what we had done, that there was no risk of me losing her. She slowly brought me back to a more lucid state, and from there the conversation started. She drew out of me eactly how I was feeling, got me to open up about events and feelings that I had never shared with another person, we talked about all the fears and anxieties and the guilt that was going through me. And she made it better. It was one of the moments that really convinced me that my rose was the girl -the slave, the pet, the lover, the partner- that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That she was the one for me. While it was a tough moment, it was -as so many of the toughest moments in relationships are- the one that was the key to making something that would last.
It hasn't been easy, or a perfect process. But I understand now that I don't need to fear letting go like that, or feel guilty about enjoying it. That play with rose is pleasure and joy for both of us. That even when I'm in the grip of the most powerful and sadistic throes of dom-space, that I can be trusted, that it can be a positive thing. I've had to do a lot of work with rose's help, and I'm not all the way there. I do still blame myself for things, and I haven't been able to change my thought processes to the degree I'd like as yet. But I'm making progress, and I've managed to all but eliminate it in our play and relationship. I couldn't have done it without rose, but with her...it's working.
The way we've grown together, grown FOR each other, is one of the most magical and satisfying things about our relationship, and I wouldn't trade any of the experiences that have lead us here, no matter how painful they were at the time.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The v-word: A WW ramble.//
So, I've been involved in a couple of discussions recently about what constitutes sex and what doesn't, and how the question of virginity plays into that notion. I thought that for want of anything better to do, I'd set out some of my thoughts about it for anyone interested.
I've always found the definition of sex as simple intercourse to be problematic, both in general terms and in terms of my own personal narrative. The main problem which I have with this definition of sex is that it devalues other forms of sexual activity and expression- essentially making penetration a litmus test for a lot of very complicated and emotionally charged ideas, ranging from intimacy, to maturity, to masculinity and many others. While physically, oral sex =\= intercourse, the idea that a blowjob can't have as much significance or pleasure attached to it, can't be as intimate and meaningful an act (1)is, at least to me, ridiculous.
It also doesn't take into account the differing sexual narratives experienced by LGBT people. If penetration is the definition of sex, does that mean a lesbian is a virgin until she experiences strap-on play? Or does that not count either, and she remains a virgin until she's been with a man? Or is the bar set lower, and does getting fingered count? And for gay men, are you a virgin until you've had anal sex, or does oral count? For people who are transgender/sexual, the line becomes even more blurred. Even in heterosexual sex, does it count if you use a condom? What if you don't, but don't cum inside your partner? What if it only lasts 10 seconds? Does it not count if it's anal sex?
Honestly, I think as a society, we're strangely hung up on the notion of virginity. According to the traditional definiton, I lost mine very late for someone of my generation, at 21. But if you go by the date of my earliest sexual encounter with another person, then I was ahead of the curve at 13. I actually don't count either of those experiences as when I lost my own virginity, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I'm bisexual. While my rose was the first woman I experienced intercourse with, and while I consider that to be a very good thing, I don't necessarily consider it the moment at which I lost my virginity. (2) To me, that moment wss the first time I experienced the moment when I opened myself up, made myself vulnerable physically and emotionally to someone I cared for - where I came to that nexus of physical and emotional pleasure that makes sex such an incredible experience. But that's not the whole of it, either. I think that every time you experience a new act, or even a new person, there's an element of loss of virginity there that's just as special as that first time. I remember my first time scening with rose, even though it might not have been my first sexual or even my first kinky encounter, with just as much fondness, pleasure and significance as I do my first blowjob, or my first kiss, or any of the other firsts of my life. Virginity doesn't have to be gone all in one go, and I think it's a shame people seem to want it to be.
I don't know if I've made any real conclusions here, or even laid out anything particularly revolutionary, but I hope it's at least made you stop and think for a minute- even if it's just to remember those special moments, and special people and have a quiet smile.
Ask questions, raise ideas, share memories in the comments!
1: As a sidebar conversation, it might be worth setting out what I mean when I say intimate and meaningful. I don't really believe in casual sex, at least as a phrase. While I'm not advocating 'wait until marriage' or 'never have sex outside relationships', I don't believe that any sexual act is truly casual. Always in a sexual encounter there's some degree of opening, of shared vulnerability which, even if it lasts only for a few moments and is never repeated, is not something I would describe as casual.
2: Incidentally, what's with that phrase? It just seems to bring with it such a negative connotation, as though it's a moment that should be regretted, and a loss that should be mourned. Why not 'gained my sexuality' or something nicer?
I've always found the definition of sex as simple intercourse to be problematic, both in general terms and in terms of my own personal narrative. The main problem which I have with this definition of sex is that it devalues other forms of sexual activity and expression- essentially making penetration a litmus test for a lot of very complicated and emotionally charged ideas, ranging from intimacy, to maturity, to masculinity and many others. While physically, oral sex =\= intercourse, the idea that a blowjob can't have as much significance or pleasure attached to it, can't be as intimate and meaningful an act (1)is, at least to me, ridiculous.
It also doesn't take into account the differing sexual narratives experienced by LGBT people. If penetration is the definition of sex, does that mean a lesbian is a virgin until she experiences strap-on play? Or does that not count either, and she remains a virgin until she's been with a man? Or is the bar set lower, and does getting fingered count? And for gay men, are you a virgin until you've had anal sex, or does oral count? For people who are transgender/sexual, the line becomes even more blurred. Even in heterosexual sex, does it count if you use a condom? What if you don't, but don't cum inside your partner? What if it only lasts 10 seconds? Does it not count if it's anal sex?
Honestly, I think as a society, we're strangely hung up on the notion of virginity. According to the traditional definiton, I lost mine very late for someone of my generation, at 21. But if you go by the date of my earliest sexual encounter with another person, then I was ahead of the curve at 13. I actually don't count either of those experiences as when I lost my own virginity, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I'm bisexual. While my rose was the first woman I experienced intercourse with, and while I consider that to be a very good thing, I don't necessarily consider it the moment at which I lost my virginity. (2) To me, that moment wss the first time I experienced the moment when I opened myself up, made myself vulnerable physically and emotionally to someone I cared for - where I came to that nexus of physical and emotional pleasure that makes sex such an incredible experience. But that's not the whole of it, either. I think that every time you experience a new act, or even a new person, there's an element of loss of virginity there that's just as special as that first time. I remember my first time scening with rose, even though it might not have been my first sexual or even my first kinky encounter, with just as much fondness, pleasure and significance as I do my first blowjob, or my first kiss, or any of the other firsts of my life. Virginity doesn't have to be gone all in one go, and I think it's a shame people seem to want it to be.
I don't know if I've made any real conclusions here, or even laid out anything particularly revolutionary, but I hope it's at least made you stop and think for a minute- even if it's just to remember those special moments, and special people and have a quiet smile.
Ask questions, raise ideas, share memories in the comments!
1: As a sidebar conversation, it might be worth setting out what I mean when I say intimate and meaningful. I don't really believe in casual sex, at least as a phrase. While I'm not advocating 'wait until marriage' or 'never have sex outside relationships', I don't believe that any sexual act is truly casual. Always in a sexual encounter there's some degree of opening, of shared vulnerability which, even if it lasts only for a few moments and is never repeated, is not something I would describe as casual.
2: Incidentally, what's with that phrase? It just seems to bring with it such a negative connotation, as though it's a moment that should be regretted, and a loss that should be mourned. Why not 'gained my sexuality' or something nicer?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Continuing continuances...
I felt it was about time for me to write something. I know I haven't in a while.
Things were very tough for R and I over the summer months. But for the last month or two, things have really come good. It serves as a lesson to me on several things, that I'd like to jot down in case they interest you.
1. That I have an amazing slave and partner in my rose. Without her patience, her trust, her love and her loyalty, we'd never have gotten to this point.
2. Dominance, like submission, is something that requires you to work at it. Sometimes there seems to be a perception that Doms just kind of...are. While subs have to work constantly to remain in the right mindset and feel in their place, a lot of the time this process for Dominants is glossed over, dismissed or just ignored. It's not the case. One of the most important things in getting back to where we wanted to be was for me to find myself as a Master again. But now, with daily work at it (good, I think, for both of us) and getting in touch with that part of myself every day I find it much easier to get into and stay in my dominant place.
3. Relationships take work. I'm guilty of falling into the same trap a lot of people, kinky or vanilla, fall into: of assuming that things will just work out on their own. Communication, effort, understanding, desire to improve things that aren't working, compassion and empathy with your partner- slave or otherwise- are all critical things.
4. That being said, one of the things that's been most important for me to learn is that I *AM* a good partner, and I *AM* a good Master. That one failing isn't the end of world, and that blaming myself and dwelling on the past is not the same as taking responsibility in a positive way for my mistakes. Being a good Master and being a good lover and partner are not mutually exclusive things, and I am capable of being both.
5. Patience is just about the most imporant virtue for anyone to possess; in my case I particularly need to develop patience with myself.
6. Keeping things fresh is important. I think the daily tasks (and a focus on doing more direct and less abstract D/s activities in general) have really helped with this, for me at least. Every day I get another opportunity to try new things and they may not always work- but it stretches my imagination and pet's boundaries, and that's a good thing.
7. Abstraction doesn't really work. This is related to what I mentioned above. One of the main problems we've experienced has stemmed from the fact that before they structure of our life was very different when we were together compared to when we were apart. Previously, rose was directed to do a lot of tasks that were very abstract- meditiations, mantras, etc- that were almost never a part of our time together, and while they were enjoyable, didn't really fit with the style of D/s that has evolved between us in the realy world. Now we're focusing on things that are more like our own style; more playful, less formal than most, and are thus more directly pleasing and satisfying to both of us.
In particular, expanding my resolution to "Do at least one thing every day that helps rose engage with her submission and me with my dominance" into daily tasking activities has really been good for me (and I think for her as well). It's helped us both to cope with things outside the relationship that have been hard, as well as improving our relationship to each other.
8. Rose really is wonderful as both a partner and as my slave. Did I say that already? Oh well.
Things were very tough for R and I over the summer months. But for the last month or two, things have really come good. It serves as a lesson to me on several things, that I'd like to jot down in case they interest you.
1. That I have an amazing slave and partner in my rose. Without her patience, her trust, her love and her loyalty, we'd never have gotten to this point.
2. Dominance, like submission, is something that requires you to work at it. Sometimes there seems to be a perception that Doms just kind of...are. While subs have to work constantly to remain in the right mindset and feel in their place, a lot of the time this process for Dominants is glossed over, dismissed or just ignored. It's not the case. One of the most important things in getting back to where we wanted to be was for me to find myself as a Master again. But now, with daily work at it (good, I think, for both of us) and getting in touch with that part of myself every day I find it much easier to get into and stay in my dominant place.
3. Relationships take work. I'm guilty of falling into the same trap a lot of people, kinky or vanilla, fall into: of assuming that things will just work out on their own. Communication, effort, understanding, desire to improve things that aren't working, compassion and empathy with your partner- slave or otherwise- are all critical things.
4. That being said, one of the things that's been most important for me to learn is that I *AM* a good partner, and I *AM* a good Master. That one failing isn't the end of world, and that blaming myself and dwelling on the past is not the same as taking responsibility in a positive way for my mistakes. Being a good Master and being a good lover and partner are not mutually exclusive things, and I am capable of being both.
5. Patience is just about the most imporant virtue for anyone to possess; in my case I particularly need to develop patience with myself.
6. Keeping things fresh is important. I think the daily tasks (and a focus on doing more direct and less abstract D/s activities in general) have really helped with this, for me at least. Every day I get another opportunity to try new things and they may not always work- but it stretches my imagination and pet's boundaries, and that's a good thing.
7. Abstraction doesn't really work. This is related to what I mentioned above. One of the main problems we've experienced has stemmed from the fact that before they structure of our life was very different when we were together compared to when we were apart. Previously, rose was directed to do a lot of tasks that were very abstract- meditiations, mantras, etc- that were almost never a part of our time together, and while they were enjoyable, didn't really fit with the style of D/s that has evolved between us in the realy world. Now we're focusing on things that are more like our own style; more playful, less formal than most, and are thus more directly pleasing and satisfying to both of us.
In particular, expanding my resolution to "Do at least one thing every day that helps rose engage with her submission and me with my dominance" into daily tasking activities has really been good for me (and I think for her as well). It's helped us both to cope with things outside the relationship that have been hard, as well as improving our relationship to each other.
8. Rose really is wonderful as both a partner and as my slave. Did I say that already? Oh well.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Endings and beginnings
It's probably not a secret that things between rose and I haven't been at their best the last couple of months. They hit their lowest ebb a week or so ago, when rose came to the conclusion that the M/s part of our relationship was over, and that the dynamic between us could not be re-built. This lead to what for both of us was probably the worst week of our lives.
I'm pleased to be able to say that we're back. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of talking. A lot of listening. A lot of thinking. A lot of honesty, and openness, and none of these things are easy when things are hard in a relationship, even with a person you love and trust. It wasn't easy, but we're back both as a couple and as Master and slave.
I don't intend to go into detail about what happened, as that's something I feel should stay between us. I just want to look for a little while at the lessons I've learned, and what I plan to do to be a better partner and Master to my rose in the future.
1. Taking things for granted will always cause problems. Happiness and contentment in submission can at times be fragile, and should always be cherished and maintained. Thinking that they are always going to be there without care and nurturing, and putting a relationship (kinky or vanilla) is just asking for trouble. Something I thought I knew, but obviously didn't understand the importance of it.
2. Communication is the key. It needs to flow both ways. A relationship can't function happily if no one expresses the truth of what they're thinking and feeling, no matter if it causes pain in the short term. This whole painful two months could have been avoided if we'd been fully open and honest about our feelings with each other. So I'm committing myself to share these things with my rose, even if it hurts in the short term, it's better for the relationship.
3. Blame is fruitless. The biggest thing that stood in the way of fixing a lot of the problems we've had recently is my tendancy to automatically blame myself for any issues or failures that arise, to the detriment of actually working on a solution. This habit demolished my confidence and sense of self-worth to the point where I could be neither a good partner nor a good master to rose, and is something I really need to work on if I am to develop both as a kinkster and a person.
4. Insecurity is the enemy. Rose trusts me, loves me, is loyal and devoted to me. I need to trust her more and not worry so much that every little problem that emerges is the end of the world.
5. Probably the best thing to come out of this is that I do now feel that I deserve rose as a slave, that in some sense I've 'earned' her. One of the things that's nagged at me from time to time, and it's related to what I wrote above, is that I don't really deserve her. That I'm not a proper Master, just a top pretending, and that one day she'll see through me, see all the pain I've caused her, and no longer wish to stay with me. I no longer feel that way. I feel after what we've been through together, and how I was ultimately able to respond, I've proved to myself that I am the Master she needs, and can make her happy and contented as a person and a slave.
Things are changing in our relationship. The fabric of our M/s dynamic is changing, because it needs to. Changing to better reflect her needs and my desires. To better fit our lives. Change can be scary, but these changes are necessary, and they seem to be working well so far. It hasn't been easy getting to this point, but we're stronger for it and I know that we're both re-committed to this relationship, as lovers, as partners, and as Master and slave.
I'd just like to say a quick thank you to all the people who have shown us such support and love over a time that's been difficult for both of us, to friends both kinky and vanilla, in public or in private, thank you.
But most of all, I'd like to thank you, pet. For your patience. For your courage. For your willingness to keep going when you had every right and opportunity to walk away. For the love and affection, for the devotion and respect, for the honesty and passion you bring into my life, every single day. My pet. My slave. My love. My rose. Thank you.
I'm pleased to be able to say that we're back. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of talking. A lot of listening. A lot of thinking. A lot of honesty, and openness, and none of these things are easy when things are hard in a relationship, even with a person you love and trust. It wasn't easy, but we're back both as a couple and as Master and slave.
I don't intend to go into detail about what happened, as that's something I feel should stay between us. I just want to look for a little while at the lessons I've learned, and what I plan to do to be a better partner and Master to my rose in the future.
1. Taking things for granted will always cause problems. Happiness and contentment in submission can at times be fragile, and should always be cherished and maintained. Thinking that they are always going to be there without care and nurturing, and putting a relationship (kinky or vanilla) is just asking for trouble. Something I thought I knew, but obviously didn't understand the importance of it.
2. Communication is the key. It needs to flow both ways. A relationship can't function happily if no one expresses the truth of what they're thinking and feeling, no matter if it causes pain in the short term. This whole painful two months could have been avoided if we'd been fully open and honest about our feelings with each other. So I'm committing myself to share these things with my rose, even if it hurts in the short term, it's better for the relationship.
3. Blame is fruitless. The biggest thing that stood in the way of fixing a lot of the problems we've had recently is my tendancy to automatically blame myself for any issues or failures that arise, to the detriment of actually working on a solution. This habit demolished my confidence and sense of self-worth to the point where I could be neither a good partner nor a good master to rose, and is something I really need to work on if I am to develop both as a kinkster and a person.
4. Insecurity is the enemy. Rose trusts me, loves me, is loyal and devoted to me. I need to trust her more and not worry so much that every little problem that emerges is the end of the world.
5. Probably the best thing to come out of this is that I do now feel that I deserve rose as a slave, that in some sense I've 'earned' her. One of the things that's nagged at me from time to time, and it's related to what I wrote above, is that I don't really deserve her. That I'm not a proper Master, just a top pretending, and that one day she'll see through me, see all the pain I've caused her, and no longer wish to stay with me. I no longer feel that way. I feel after what we've been through together, and how I was ultimately able to respond, I've proved to myself that I am the Master she needs, and can make her happy and contented as a person and a slave.
Things are changing in our relationship. The fabric of our M/s dynamic is changing, because it needs to. Changing to better reflect her needs and my desires. To better fit our lives. Change can be scary, but these changes are necessary, and they seem to be working well so far. It hasn't been easy getting to this point, but we're stronger for it and I know that we're both re-committed to this relationship, as lovers, as partners, and as Master and slave.
I'd just like to say a quick thank you to all the people who have shown us such support and love over a time that's been difficult for both of us, to friends both kinky and vanilla, in public or in private, thank you.
But most of all, I'd like to thank you, pet. For your patience. For your courage. For your willingness to keep going when you had every right and opportunity to walk away. For the love and affection, for the devotion and respect, for the honesty and passion you bring into my life, every single day. My pet. My slave. My love. My rose. Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)