So, I've been involved in a couple of discussions recently about what constitutes sex and what doesn't, and how the question of virginity plays into that notion. I thought that for want of anything better to do, I'd set out some of my thoughts about it for anyone interested.
I've always found the definition of sex as simple intercourse to be problematic, both in general terms and in terms of my own personal narrative. The main problem which I have with this definition of sex is that it devalues other forms of sexual activity and expression- essentially making penetration a litmus test for a lot of very complicated and emotionally charged ideas, ranging from intimacy, to maturity, to masculinity and many others. While physically, oral sex =\= intercourse, the idea that a blowjob can't have as much significance or pleasure attached to it, can't be as intimate and meaningful an act (1)is, at least to me, ridiculous.
It also doesn't take into account the differing sexual narratives experienced by LGBT people. If penetration is the definition of sex, does that mean a lesbian is a virgin until she experiences strap-on play? Or does that not count either, and she remains a virgin until she's been with a man? Or is the bar set lower, and does getting fingered count? And for gay men, are you a virgin until you've had anal sex, or does oral count? For people who are transgender/sexual, the line becomes even more blurred. Even in heterosexual sex, does it count if you use a condom? What if you don't, but don't cum inside your partner? What if it only lasts 10 seconds? Does it not count if it's anal sex?
Honestly, I think as a society, we're strangely hung up on the notion of virginity. According to the traditional definiton, I lost mine very late for someone of my generation, at 21. But if you go by the date of my earliest sexual encounter with another person, then I was ahead of the curve at 13. I actually don't count either of those experiences as when I lost my own virginity, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I'm bisexual. While my rose was the first woman I experienced intercourse with, and while I consider that to be a very good thing, I don't necessarily consider it the moment at which I lost my virginity. (2) To me, that moment wss the first time I experienced the moment when I opened myself up, made myself vulnerable physically and emotionally to someone I cared for - where I came to that nexus of physical and emotional pleasure that makes sex such an incredible experience. But that's not the whole of it, either. I think that every time you experience a new act, or even a new person, there's an element of loss of virginity there that's just as special as that first time. I remember my first time scening with rose, even though it might not have been my first sexual or even my first kinky encounter, with just as much fondness, pleasure and significance as I do my first blowjob, or my first kiss, or any of the other firsts of my life. Virginity doesn't have to be gone all in one go, and I think it's a shame people seem to want it to be.
I don't know if I've made any real conclusions here, or even laid out anything particularly revolutionary, but I hope it's at least made you stop and think for a minute- even if it's just to remember those special moments, and special people and have a quiet smile.
Ask questions, raise ideas, share memories in the comments!
1: As a sidebar conversation, it might be worth setting out what I mean when I say intimate and meaningful. I don't really believe in casual sex, at least as a phrase. While I'm not advocating 'wait until marriage' or 'never have sex outside relationships', I don't believe that any sexual act is truly casual. Always in a sexual encounter there's some degree of opening, of shared vulnerability which, even if it lasts only for a few moments and is never repeated, is not something I would describe as casual.
2: Incidentally, what's with that phrase? It just seems to bring with it such a negative connotation, as though it's a moment that should be regretted, and a loss that should be mourned. Why not 'gained my sexuality' or something nicer?
