Here comes a wall of text! (Tl;dr I'm a mental case but in a good place at the moment)
I have something of an out of control brain at times. Myers-Briggs type
INTP, tendencies towards anxiety, inner dialogue I'm only nominally in
control of, and a tendency to fixate on and obsess over my many failures
and failings, and creating self-fulfilling prophecies that tend bring
down the things I try to do.
I endlessly catalogue and analyse my lowest moments and the things that
lead to them. I don't do that when I'm happy, and the result is that I
tend to understand why and when I'm sad, and be bewlidered by the things
that make me happy.
A month ago, I was at a very low moment. My self confidence was missing,
as it sometimes goes. A combination of factors, which aren't really
productive to go into had dragged me back down again. The result is that
I become a pretty toxic person to be around, especially for the people
who love me.
I withdraw, avoid, disengage. Try and hide myself in whatever
distraction is convenient. I ignore the people around me, knowing that
I'm hurting them, but unable to do anything else for fear of making it
worse. Despair is a hard feeling to escape from under.
A month ago, I found myself comforting my wife, in bed and in tears at
three o'clock on a sunday afternoon, her own sense of self-worth
completely eroded by the disappearance of mine. Understandably, seeing
this and knowing I had caused it was heartbreaking. I love this woman
more than anything, and to have made this happen was...excruciating.
But it was also catalysing. We talked a lot. All afternoon, about the
things we'd been feeling, and what might have caused them. Then, a new
sense of intimacy blossomed. We played. We fucked. And since then,
things have been...good.
I'm not sure why, not sure what's changed in me. But I feel different,
and that confident, strong feeling has stayed longer than it has in the
past under similar circumstances. I feel so much more sure of myself
than I'm used to.
I just can't work out why! That part of my brain that's obsessively self-conscious is missing in action.
That's...uh. Well. Hm. That's probably the answer, huh?
