Sharing is Caring

I'm not sure where to start this post.

Does it start on Friday, when I lost a close work colleague?

Does it start on the Friday before, when I slipped back into bad habits and rose paid the price for it?

Does it start at the beginning of our relationship, when we laid patterns that have proven dangerous and hard to break through?

Does it start in childhood, when I learned that the only appropriate reaction to negative emotions was silence and repression?

I think the place to start is last Friday. It makes the most sense to me. Last Friday, I did something extremely foolish. After a miscommunication between rose and I lead to some hurt feelings, I handled things poorly and made things worse. Rather than reaching out, confronting the issue and clearing the air between us, I let things fester. I made the mistake of assuming that things would go away on their own, as if relationships are things that don't require any communication or occasionally facing up to things which are wrong or having awkward conversations.

Basically, I shut out reality-reality in favour of in-my-own-head-reality, because that was more comfortable at the time. Feelings were making me uncomfortable, and rather than reach for support from a woman I know has only my best interests at heart and would do anything to help me, I shut off completely.

I know that doing this is wrong, and counter-productive to my goal of having the best possible relationship I can. I know that, intellectually. But I don't always live that understanding, and there are a lot of reasons that might underlie that.

I was bullied a lot as a child. I stood out as a target, being bigger (but slower and clumsier) than the other kids my age. Having an English accent in an Australian school. Having trouble controlling my emotions, going into hysterical tears or raging anger at the drop of a hat. Of course, when I did inevitably lose my temper and lash out, all the people see is the bigger kid throwing his weight around and hurting people. To a degree, it's fair that I got in trouble - I was a big kid who didn't know his own strength, and I was lucky not to have seriously hurt someone- but it taught some bad lessons.

That emotions need to be repressed in order to avoid danger. That feelings cause trouble, and are therefore something to be feared and mistrusted. That I should be ashamed of these things which make me lose control of myself.  Don't listen to them, don't let them control you. Don't let feelings control your behaviour, just hide until they go away. Escape. Avoid.

These are useful tools for a child struggling with a bullying problem, but these tools were all I really had for a long time. Recall that saying about everything looking like a nail when all you have is a hammer. This avoidance of negative feelings or situations that might cause them is my hammer.

Flash forward to a young WW with a new girlfriend. He's head over heels for this girl in ways that he's never experienced before. They're in a relationship that, in terms of intensity and commitment is new to both of them. They're both in unfamiliar waters, and both bringing their own baggage to their relationship. Inevitably, something goes wrong, they fight, they hurt each other. The relationship comes into question, to the point where one or both of them are nearly prepared to call it quits.

There's hurt. There's fear of loss But it;s early days, they're young, they get over it, they get back together and get things back on track. Both sides learn a lesson.

For one of us, though, it reinforces something we've always learned. Feelings cause pain.. They should be avoided where possible, and ignored where avoiding them is not possible. My pain is temporary, and I can take it if it means sparing rose some discomfort. Rationalise away the bad feelings, and they're no longer there.

Flash back to last Friday. Both of these factors play into my decision to avoid the conversation that absolutely needs to happen, but promises to be uncomfortable. To hide in a video game, rather than share my feelings and fears with someone who loves me. To let rose go to bed feeling abandoned and disappointed. To run away to Melbourne for two days rather than stay and tough things out. Sadly, it;s not the first time I've made that decision, either.

It went about as well as you might expect a decision like that to go. We've patched things up, we've moved forward, we've taken steps to avoid this ever coming around again.  Regular check-ins, continuing my therapy, more documenting my emotions in the moment and a commitment to improving my all-over emotional health are all a part of that.

Flash forward to this weekend. On Friday I lost a friend and colleague to a traffic accident. I'm not used to dealing with grief. I've never really lost anyone I've been close to- relatives have passed on, but they were old and had been sick, and were living on other continents. It's expected, and the impact is diffused by the distance. Losing someone suddenly, and someone who I saw almost every day is a new experience. Not only that, but his death has put a serious dent in career plans that had only just begun to take shape after a long, long period of uncertainty.

My feelings have been a bit all over the place.

But I could share them, suddenly. Even though the conversation made me emotional, it left me feeling better. I didn't have to be afraid or ashamed. And it made me feel better.

That's a positive step, and that's my lesson for today.

Worry Wart

I'm an anxious person.

I am, there, I said it, I can't take it back.

I worry a lot. Compulsively. I've had panic attacks in the past, and tend towards catastrophic thoughts. When I start to get negative, things can spiral rapidly out of control. I'm pessimistic. I'm cynical. I tend to focus on what can go wrong, rather than what can go right. Threats, not opportunities. Costs, not benefits.

It's not completely useless.It makes me good at my job, which involves a lot of risk management and looking for possible points of failure in processes and procedures. It makes me a very safety conscious top.

But mostly, it's a negative. It holds me back, in my relationship, in my career, in my day-to-day interactions. It's exhausting. It makes me shut myself into my own head, and takes me out of the moment. It makes me afraid to go for things I want, and even the things I need.

Recently, I've been having therapy. This isn't my first foray into counselling, but it's been very different to other experiences. Previous therapists have been very emotive-based, looking at feelings and past traumas and your typical sort of cathartic stuff. Helpful in its way, but not necessarily a solution. The therapy I've been having recently is much more...direct. It's been a very practical, behavioural approach. At first, I thought it wasn't helping. It was stressful, and sessions left me feeling worse than I did when I went in.

But recently, I've been noticing how much it's been helping me. I've been much more aware, much more conscious of my thoughts and my behaviours. I've been noticing when I've been overwhelmed, or stressed, or locked into my head, and trying to push back against it.

It hasn't always worked. That's ok. Nothing's perfect. But, slowly, I'm improving, or at least getting better control over myself.

And it's showing in my relationship. I'm happier. More confident. She calls me Master and I don't doubt or second guess it. I use her, and there isn't a nagging question in my mind about whether I deserve this. I feel like I belong where I am, more than I ever have.

I'm not perfect.

But I'm getting better.