Valentine's Day, 2012

So it's Valentine's Day again.

Those of you who know me, may know that I don't particularly care much about about it. The simple fact is that I believe if you love someone, if you care about them, if you're in a relationship with them, is that you shouldn't confine making them feel special to one day of the year. Every day is an opportunity to make your partner feel loved, to show them that you cherish them, whether that's in large ways or small. I'm not always very good at doing this, but I do try.

But there is some value to having a day to celebrate love in general, and the love in your life, specficially. So I wanted to take some time to talk about the love in my life.

So the rest of this post is to you, pet. I was looking for an anctual card yesterday, but none of them were right. The sweet ones were too boring or too sappy, the silly ones not showing enough seriousness, the sexy ones too crude or boring. So I decided to write you my own.

To say thank you, for everything that you give to me.

Thank you for being mine. Thank you for being the slave, the pet, the love, the rose that you are, and for all the happiness and pleasure that you bring me. Thank you for the pride in both of us that you make me feel.

Thank you for being sexy. Thank you for being sweet. Thank you for being silly. Thank you for being smart. Thank you for the cakes, cookies, crumbles and curries. Thank you for ice-cream for breakfast, and late night skinny dipping.

Thank you for killing it with hammers made of lava. Thank you for Lord of the Rings Marathons. Thank you for long car rides together. Thank you for Rebels games, "I'm Going To the Picnic" and getting bitten by possums.

Thank you for all the orgasms. Thank you for the spankings. Thank you for the look in your eyes as my hand goes around your throat. Thank you for the sweet, slow, soppy sex and the rough, hard, nasty sex and all the joy curled up together afterwards.

Thank you for putting up with me, even when I'm not the Master or the partner someone like you deserves. Thank you for being calm when I'm upset. Thank you for being sensible when I'm foolish. Thank you for being patient when I'm grumpy. Thank you for your support, your care and the love you show me every day.

But most of all, thank you for letting me love you, slavedoll.

You are the light of my life, pet. My most cherished posession, my best friend and my perfect drug. I promise to spend the rest of my life trying my best to love you the way you deserve.

I love you, pet.

Happy Valentine's Day. (And 46th anniversary of the decimalisation of currency in Australia)

Endings and beginnings

It's probably not a secret that things between rose and I haven't been at their best the last couple of months. They hit their lowest ebb a week or so ago, when rose came to the conclusion that the M/s part of our relationship was over, and that the dynamic between us could not be re-built. This lead to what for both of us was probably the worst week of our lives.

I'm pleased to be able to say that we're back. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of talking. A lot of listening. A lot of thinking. A lot of honesty, and openness, and none of these things are easy when things are hard in a relationship, even with a person you love and trust. It wasn't easy, but we're back both as a couple and as Master and slave.

I don't intend to go into detail about what happened, as that's something I feel should stay between us. I just want to look for a little while at the lessons I've learned, and what I plan to do to be a better partner and Master to my rose in the future.

1. Taking things for granted will always cause problems. Happiness and contentment in submission can at times be fragile, and should always be cherished and maintained. Thinking that they are always going to be there without care and nurturing, and putting a relationship (kinky or vanilla) is just asking for trouble. Something I thought I knew, but obviously didn't understand the importance of it.

2. Communication is the key. It needs to flow both ways. A relationship can't function happily if no one expresses the truth of what they're thinking and feeling, no matter if it causes pain in the short term. This whole painful two months could have been avoided if we'd been fully open and honest about our feelings with each other. So I'm committing myself to share these things with my rose, even if it hurts in the short term, it's better for the relationship.

3. Blame is fruitless. The biggest thing that stood in the way of fixing a lot of the problems we've had recently is my tendancy to automatically blame myself for any issues or failures that arise, to the detriment of actually working on a solution. This habit demolished my confidence and sense of self-worth to the point where I could be neither a good partner nor a good master to rose, and is something I really need to work on if I am to develop both as a kinkster and a person.

4. Insecurity is the enemy. Rose trusts me, loves me, is loyal and devoted to me. I need to trust her more and not worry so much that every little problem that emerges is the end of the world.

5. Probably the best thing to come out of this is that I do now feel that I deserve rose as a slave, that in some sense I've 'earned' her. One of the things that's nagged at me from time to time, and it's related to what I wrote above, is that I don't really deserve her. That I'm not a proper Master, just a top pretending, and that one day she'll see through me, see all the pain I've caused her, and no longer wish to stay with me. I no longer feel that way. I feel after what we've been through together, and how I was ultimately able to respond, I've proved to myself that I am the Master she needs, and can make her happy and contented as a person and a slave.

Things are changing in our relationship. The fabric of our M/s dynamic is changing, because it needs to. Changing to better reflect her needs and my desires. To better fit our lives. Change can be scary, but these changes are necessary, and they seem to be working well so far. It hasn't been easy getting to this point, but we're stronger for it and I know that we're both re-committed to this relationship, as lovers, as partners, and as Master and slave.

I'd just like to say a quick thank you to all the people who have shown us such support and love over a time that's been difficult for both of us, to friends both kinky and vanilla, in public or in private, thank you.

But most of all, I'd like to thank you, pet. For your patience. For your courage. For your willingness to keep going when you had every right and opportunity to walk away. For the love and affection, for the devotion and respect, for the honesty and passion you bring into my life, every single day. My pet. My slave. My love. My rose. Thank you.

standards

(the last post I'll import from soulcast- promise!)

I haven't posted anything for a while, so I thought I'd give you all another insight into what I like to think of as my theoretical side. I think it's important to have a theory behind what you do- an intellectual and psychological framework that helps me understand what I do as a dom and in understanding it, become better at it. So, my usual practice after each scene is to review it in my mind, looking at what I did right, what went wrong, what could be improved, any ideas that could be taken further, any new ideas that have arisen, stuff like that. (Not just egoistically focused, I also think about my sub :P)

Anyway, something that's evolved through this is a criteria, or a set of standards that I like to hold myself to as a Dom. I'd like to share that with you all, and see what you think.

1. Technical skills- did I do everything safely and effectively? Was my flogging accurate and controlled? Was my bondage safe and efficient? Was I at all times listening for a safeword and watching my playmate's response? Did I leave any marks that I didn't intend to? Did I stretch my skills? Did they improve?

2. Communication- Were my instructions clear and comprehensible? Was I constantly letting my sub feel safe by knowing she's under the power of someone she trusts and will look after her? Was I payng attention to the details of her responses and tracking her condition in my mind?

3. Fun- was it an enjoyable session  for my sub? Did I enjoy it? Was it satisfying mentally? Sexually? Aesthetically? Emotionally? Do I feel happier? Do I feel closer to my sub, more connected? Does she share those feelings? Does she feel happy in the aftermath? What about when the afterglow fades?

4. Desire- this is the hardest one, because it involves balancing two contradictory maxims: "always leave the audience wanting more" and "never leave a lover unsatisfied". Have I given her a desire for more, while leaving her for the moment completely satisfied and still?

If I can answer yes to all of those questions (and I mean ALL) it's a good session. There will never be a perfect session, and generally I'm happy if I can get through without feeling that there are more than two or three questions which I have to say no for. So yeah. These are the standards I hold myself to. I hope this has been enlightening.

Virtue

(another post brought over from my old blog)

What makes a good dom? As far as I can tell, and I've been thinking on this matter a lot over recent months, it can be boiled down to a few virtues that flow neatly, simply one to the next. Allow me to present them.

At the core of it, the mother of all these virtues and the one virtue necessary before one can claim to be a good dom comes humility. What is humility? Humility is not neurotic or unhealthy levels of self-doubt, nor it is an inferiority complex nor a lack of self-worth. It is not the lacking of any pride at all, because a level of pride and the ability to take pride in one's is healthy in a dom, as it is in anyone. Humility is pride within realistic limits, the understanding that holding a whip does not bestow omniscience or infalibility on a dom, the constant memory that one is only human, flawed and capable of making mistakes. If you do not think you can make mistakes, then you will never be prepared to deal with them when you do. It is also the ability to see your sub as still being human, with the same rights to happiness, safety and security no matter how much power they surrender to you- and the wisdom to see that their giving you that power gives you the responsibility to bestow those things on them.

When a dom has humility, then the second virtue will emerge as one begins to identify with their sub: compassion. Compassion in the BDSM sense may not be the same as it is in the more general. Compassion in a dom is not, after all, an unwillingness to see hurt come to anyone. It is an understanding that your sub has needs, and seeking to meet them as well as possible, as well as balancing their needs in that moment against their longterm well-being. It is also compassion for yourself. An overdose of humility may lead a dom to sacrificing themselves beyond what is healthy or productive, or the belief that you can change anything and fix any and all problems that might occur. No one is well served when you beat your head against a brick wall without the possibility of changing things.

When a dom mixes true humility with compassion, then the necessary consequence is the development of self-control. To quote Patrick Califia, one of my favourite kinky writers 'injury is most often the result of arrogance, ignorance, or intoxication'. The ability to control one's desires, to modulate and moderate one's fantasies to the restraints of reality and the limits of your sub is the heart of self-control, and the self-control of the dom is the lynchpin of a safe scene. Once you are compassionate enough to recognise the limits of your sub and humble enough to recognise you have no right to arbitrarily violate them, then self-control will be the natural consequence of these virtues.

Self-control will always seek knowledge of the boundaries in which it operates. Knowledge of yourself- how hard can I spank? How long am I capable of remaining focussed on the scene for? Knowledge of your sub- how long can she take a caning for? Where are her emotional buttons? Which ones are safe to press, and which should be left alone? Knowledge of technique- DO I know how to do this activity safely? What is a safe way to restrain her for this activity? What is the best way to create sensation without damage? Knowledge of your equipment- how severe is that flogger? How would I clean this toy if it came in contact with blood?

When one has the self control necessary to bridge between fantasy and reality, and the knowledge to perform those actions, then we have the playground in which the dom can let his imagination exercise itself. Imagination keeps things fresh and interesting, it sees ways around problems and roadblocks that may come up on the road deeper into your D/s relationship, it allows you to push things in directions neither of you may have predicted before, but being grounded in knowledge and self-control does so in a manner that is always safe and controlled.

The final virtue arises out of knowledge and imagination, and is the spirit of adventure. A truly great dom has this- his imagination and knowledge of his sub and the secret corners of her mind and desires enables him to keep pushing, to go deeper, to constantly try and find new things, to refine existing techniques and skills, to keep learning, to keep the romance and the novelty and the excitement, the eroticism, the energy of the relationship alive and growing. A sense of adventure embraces change, rejoices in watching the dom and the sub grow and develop both as individuals and couples, and always seeks out the next step on the road.

Those among you who are so inclined might notice that the virtues I've set out here follow the pattern of the fibonacci sequence; each virtue arising from the sum of the two that preceeded it. From that, you may deduce, these virtues must continue indefinately in number and advancement. Perhaps they do, but I feel that the ones I've listed here form the foundation of what it means to be a good dom. Do I live up to them? Probably not. Not yet. I hope to, one day, hopefully one day soon, but the reality is that a standard of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Being unattainable, however, does not mean that it is not worth shooting for.

Questions? Comments? Things I've missed? Let me know.

the dominant mentality

Subspace and subdrop are well understood and widely discussed phenomena. Most any introductory BDSM site or book will contain some advice to new subs, warning them to expect it, what it feels like, ways to cope when it comes, and more advanced ones will dedicate lengthy discussion to what causes it, and ways it can be brought on more quickly, more secretly, without the presence of one's Master, etc. It's a common topic of discussion, and a reasonable consensus exists as to the general patterns and sensations of it.

What about the other side of these states? Doms, after all, do need to find themselves in a headspace suitable to play, and can experience a drop of their own after it fades away. But, while it is in general agreed that this 'domspace' and 'domdrop' do exist, there's relatively little discussion and description of it out there. There are many possible reasons for this; perhaps your average dom is less sociable, more self-reliant than most subbies, perhaps the conditions are more ideopathic than their equivalents on the distaff side.

So i'll discuss it in personal terms.

It's not easy, though, to describe what domspace feels like, particularly to people who have never experienced it. How would you go about describing the colour yellow to someone who had never had sight? How would you explain the feeling of listening to Beethoven's Ninth to someone without hearing? Language really doesn't leave me with many ways to describe it
directly, so I'm going to have to resort to abstractions for it- apologies, but you're in for a lot of allusion, similie and metaphor. I'll try to remain as lucid and prosaic as possible, but no promises.

I believe it's John Milton who spoke of 'justifying man's ways to god, and god's to man'. In many ways, that's not far from the feeling of being in my dominant world. It's a feeling like being a divinity within a mortal world, and trying to link the two together. The feeling of power, of connectedness to my pet and to the whole world around us is amazing. I can feel my senses sharpen, my thinking accelerate, like the most savage adrenaline rush, but drawn out, going and going and going with no end in sight. I feel the change in my body, too, my posture changes, my muscles tense, my breathing shifts in rhythm, my skin tingles with a galvanic response. But the most important thing is the surge of confidence, of self-belief, of pure willpower that comes on. I make descisions in an instant, and I know they're right- not because of any external validity, but through the sheer fact of having made them; my desire for them to be perfect MAKES them perfect. That feeling, of reflexive, infallible, instinctive perfection is entirely intoxicating.

There's also the confidence of knowing one's exact place within the universe, and the contentment of knowing that you're there. When I'm in my dominant space there's no doubt, because I know that my place is right where I am, in the here and the now, and that the naked pet cowering at my feet, kissing them with such reverence and devotion is simply what I, as a god among mortals, deserve. She is worshipful, passionate, beautiful, and content in her place, and it is satisfying to know that I deserve such adulation.

The lust transforms me. It's an incredibly intense feeling of desire; knowledge that any carnal indulgence I desire is open to me- possession, control, desire, the drive to take the pleasure and satisfaction that is due to me, and the power and energy that come from this feeling open my body to pleasures that I had never dreamed possible.

It is the purest feeling of being alive, without doubt, without fear, with total and utter belief in myself, and the knowledge that I deserve every perk that comes from embracing the god within me. The tempatation to hubris is, of course, intense. The temptation to abuse my power is always there. I've spoken before about the virtues I think make a good dominant- being able to hold onto those even in these moments is of paramount importance. I know, in my lucid, normal moments that I am not a god. I am not perfect. I am fallible, weak, human. The foundation of the self-respect I keep in those moments where I'm aware of that is that I've been able to keep to those virtues even when I've been drunk on dominance; that even in those moments of pure, unreflective, uncritical desire, I've held onto the things I believed and acted in the best interests of my pet.

Domspace, then. A sensation like no other- a sensation I've only barely scratched the surface of in my description. One that defies more detailed definition by its very nature.

But not one that lasts forever.

It can last a long time. It might fade from the peak, but I can stay in a mild form of it, a low-key euphoria for days afterward. Sometimes, I don't drop, just fade back slowly to normalcy. But a lot of the time, I crash like an angel thrown from paradise.

That's the feeling. I was a god. My senses walked the world in a sharpness, a clarity, unknown to mortals. I have fed on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise. But now I'm not special. I'm ordinary, normal, boring, mortal, and even worse for having once been something more. I'm inert with a lack of energy, tired beyond belief, but usually unable to sleep, restless and without concentration. My body feels heavier than usual, my posture more stooped and downtrodden, my reflexes and movements unbearably sluggish. I'm indecisive, insecure, I doubt everything I do, feel irrational guilt and live in anxious apprehension of imminent calamity.

There are different degrees to it, of course. What I've written above is probably an extreme case, but it's what I felt up until about an hour ago. It's interesting that the degree to which I drop doesn't really bear any relation to how intensely or for how long I went into domspace. But the relationship of the sensations is clear- a feeling of being stripped of everything I felt while in space. Of losing the things that made me special, confident, euphoric. Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics, wrote 'If eudaimonia, or happiness, is action in accordance with excellence, then it stands to reason then this action must be in accordance with the highest excellence within us'. That eudaimonia, that happiness, that action n accordance with the highest excellence within me is what I have- and that happiness is what I lose when I drop.

It can last for anything from about 12 hours to two or three days. There are numerous things that I use to try and pull myself out or mitigate the feeling. Long, hot showers. Physical exertion. Indulgence in favourite foods. Trying to lose myself in some activity, study, reading, gaming, music, family, movies, anything I can get my mind to settle to. But what really works, the only cure that works every time, and what works quickest is...

My rose.

Talking to her, even on the phone, reminding myself that she still loves me, still worships me, still serves me, even when I'm at my weakest and lowest, hearing her voice, her laugh, her love, feeling her arms around me, resting curled up next to her, feeling her hands on my skin, soothing, caring, loving, so warm and sweet and devoted, all these things can bring me back to myself. There's no cure, no remedy, no balm that can exceed the feeling of having one's slave to care for you, of having one's love for her reflected back. No medicine like the devotion of a loving pet. Especially if she gives you a massage and makes you a pavlova. Doms are lucky to have such wonderful creatures to care for us in our moments of crisis.

I'm just luckier than the rest of you.

I hope this has been at least marginally comprehensible. Better yet, I hope it's helped you understand a little of what it's like for us d-types. Comments? Questions? Flaming arrows?