So, I recently received the question on formspring 'what is something you've had to overcome in your BDSM life?" It was an intersting question, but unfortunately formspring ate my response. I'm going to try reconstructing it here.
When I was in the early stages of my relationship with rose, I had a lot of problems with guilt. This would be especially prevalent after scenes, often showing up as part of my drop. I would blame myself for everything that was less than perfect in the scene, in the relationship, in the world around me. I would be certain that there was no way in which rose could be happy with me, that because of my failings and the things I had done it was only a matter of time until I'd lose her- and even worse, that I'd deserve it. Basically, my train of thought was "You say you love this girl? How could you hurt/degrade/take advantage of her like that? What kind of person are you?" I've had problems in my life based around guilt and blaming myself for things beyond my control, of always looking for how I could attribute anything bad happening to my own failings for a long time, it's just that it seemed to particularly attach itself to the kink in my life.
And it sucked.
It came to a head late one night. We had been involved in what was (up until that point) the most intense scene in our three or four month old relationship. It had been very different to the scenes we had done so far- while normally our play is very mutual- with no real flavour of coercion or force involved, but of a slave willingly and gladly giving herself for her Master's enjoyment- this was very different. Much more conflict driven, more like forcing her to submit against her will, and her resisting me. While I did feel a sense of unease about this at the time, I pushed it down and saw the scene through to its conclusion, losing myself in the moment. It went far beyond what we'd done before, and really pushed both of us to our limits, despite being completely impromptu.
We were lying in bed together, afterward, when it hit me. Guilt, overwhelming. Guilt for having forced her to do something against her will (it wasn't). Guilt at having hurt her (I hadn't, beyond a few scratches and bruises). Guilt for having enjoyed doing something so abusive and vicious to her. Certainty that after this she would hate me, that she would leave, that she would never trust me again. Absolute terror that I would lose her. I broke down. I started crying uncontrollably. Begging and pleading for her to forgive me.
Rose was magnificent in that moment. Even though she was scared and worried for me, she took me in her arms and talked me down. Made me understand that she was fine, that I hadn't hurt her, that she had enjoyed what we had done, that there was no risk of me losing her. She slowly brought me back to a more lucid state, and from there the conversation started. She drew out of me eactly how I was feeling, got me to open up about events and feelings that I had never shared with another person, we talked about all the fears and anxieties and the guilt that was going through me. And she made it better. It was one of the moments that really convinced me that my rose was the girl -the slave, the pet, the lover, the partner- that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That she was the one for me. While it was a tough moment, it was -as so many of the toughest moments in relationships are- the one that was the key to making something that would last.
It hasn't been easy, or a perfect process. But I understand now that I don't need to fear letting go like that, or feel guilty about enjoying it. That play with rose is pleasure and joy for both of us. That even when I'm in the grip of the most powerful and sadistic throes of dom-space, that I can be trusted, that it can be a positive thing. I've had to do a lot of work with rose's help, and I'm not all the way there. I do still blame myself for things, and I haven't been able to change my thought processes to the degree I'd like as yet. But I'm making progress, and I've managed to all but eliminate it in our play and relationship. I couldn't have done it without rose, but with her...it's working.
The way we've grown together, grown FOR each other, is one of the most magical and satisfying things about our relationship, and I wouldn't trade any of the experiences that have lead us here, no matter how painful they were at the time.
Showing posts with label dominance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dominance. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Continuing continuances...
I felt it was about time for me to write something. I know I haven't in a while.
Things were very tough for R and I over the summer months. But for the last month or two, things have really come good. It serves as a lesson to me on several things, that I'd like to jot down in case they interest you.
1. That I have an amazing slave and partner in my rose. Without her patience, her trust, her love and her loyalty, we'd never have gotten to this point.
2. Dominance, like submission, is something that requires you to work at it. Sometimes there seems to be a perception that Doms just kind of...are. While subs have to work constantly to remain in the right mindset and feel in their place, a lot of the time this process for Dominants is glossed over, dismissed or just ignored. It's not the case. One of the most important things in getting back to where we wanted to be was for me to find myself as a Master again. But now, with daily work at it (good, I think, for both of us) and getting in touch with that part of myself every day I find it much easier to get into and stay in my dominant place.
3. Relationships take work. I'm guilty of falling into the same trap a lot of people, kinky or vanilla, fall into: of assuming that things will just work out on their own. Communication, effort, understanding, desire to improve things that aren't working, compassion and empathy with your partner- slave or otherwise- are all critical things.
4. That being said, one of the things that's been most important for me to learn is that I *AM* a good partner, and I *AM* a good Master. That one failing isn't the end of world, and that blaming myself and dwelling on the past is not the same as taking responsibility in a positive way for my mistakes. Being a good Master and being a good lover and partner are not mutually exclusive things, and I am capable of being both.
5. Patience is just about the most imporant virtue for anyone to possess; in my case I particularly need to develop patience with myself.
6. Keeping things fresh is important. I think the daily tasks (and a focus on doing more direct and less abstract D/s activities in general) have really helped with this, for me at least. Every day I get another opportunity to try new things and they may not always work- but it stretches my imagination and pet's boundaries, and that's a good thing.
7. Abstraction doesn't really work. This is related to what I mentioned above. One of the main problems we've experienced has stemmed from the fact that before they structure of our life was very different when we were together compared to when we were apart. Previously, rose was directed to do a lot of tasks that were very abstract- meditiations, mantras, etc- that were almost never a part of our time together, and while they were enjoyable, didn't really fit with the style of D/s that has evolved between us in the realy world. Now we're focusing on things that are more like our own style; more playful, less formal than most, and are thus more directly pleasing and satisfying to both of us.
In particular, expanding my resolution to "Do at least one thing every day that helps rose engage with her submission and me with my dominance" into daily tasking activities has really been good for me (and I think for her as well). It's helped us both to cope with things outside the relationship that have been hard, as well as improving our relationship to each other.
8. Rose really is wonderful as both a partner and as my slave. Did I say that already? Oh well.
Things were very tough for R and I over the summer months. But for the last month or two, things have really come good. It serves as a lesson to me on several things, that I'd like to jot down in case they interest you.
1. That I have an amazing slave and partner in my rose. Without her patience, her trust, her love and her loyalty, we'd never have gotten to this point.
2. Dominance, like submission, is something that requires you to work at it. Sometimes there seems to be a perception that Doms just kind of...are. While subs have to work constantly to remain in the right mindset and feel in their place, a lot of the time this process for Dominants is glossed over, dismissed or just ignored. It's not the case. One of the most important things in getting back to where we wanted to be was for me to find myself as a Master again. But now, with daily work at it (good, I think, for both of us) and getting in touch with that part of myself every day I find it much easier to get into and stay in my dominant place.
3. Relationships take work. I'm guilty of falling into the same trap a lot of people, kinky or vanilla, fall into: of assuming that things will just work out on their own. Communication, effort, understanding, desire to improve things that aren't working, compassion and empathy with your partner- slave or otherwise- are all critical things.
4. That being said, one of the things that's been most important for me to learn is that I *AM* a good partner, and I *AM* a good Master. That one failing isn't the end of world, and that blaming myself and dwelling on the past is not the same as taking responsibility in a positive way for my mistakes. Being a good Master and being a good lover and partner are not mutually exclusive things, and I am capable of being both.
5. Patience is just about the most imporant virtue for anyone to possess; in my case I particularly need to develop patience with myself.
6. Keeping things fresh is important. I think the daily tasks (and a focus on doing more direct and less abstract D/s activities in general) have really helped with this, for me at least. Every day I get another opportunity to try new things and they may not always work- but it stretches my imagination and pet's boundaries, and that's a good thing.
7. Abstraction doesn't really work. This is related to what I mentioned above. One of the main problems we've experienced has stemmed from the fact that before they structure of our life was very different when we were together compared to when we were apart. Previously, rose was directed to do a lot of tasks that were very abstract- meditiations, mantras, etc- that were almost never a part of our time together, and while they were enjoyable, didn't really fit with the style of D/s that has evolved between us in the realy world. Now we're focusing on things that are more like our own style; more playful, less formal than most, and are thus more directly pleasing and satisfying to both of us.
In particular, expanding my resolution to "Do at least one thing every day that helps rose engage with her submission and me with my dominance" into daily tasking activities has really been good for me (and I think for her as well). It's helped us both to cope with things outside the relationship that have been hard, as well as improving our relationship to each other.
8. Rose really is wonderful as both a partner and as my slave. Did I say that already? Oh well.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Missing: One Master
So. Somewhere, out there, I seem to have left my inner dom behind.
I'm serious. I look inside, I can't find it. All my confidence, all my motivation, all my drive, all my...everything is gone, and I'm not sure how to bring it back.
I really don't know quite how it happened. My feelings toward rose and toward BDSM haven't changed, I still love them both and want them both in my life. It's just that I don't seem to be able to get back on the horse and return things to how they/I/we were before we went away. But I need to, because I know that we both need it, and I can see every day the strain this is putting on rose personally, and our relationship. Not to mention what it's doing to my own emotions and mindset.
I try to get in the right headspace, but it feels like putting on a coat that's way too big for me- I just feel wrong. Right now I'm timid. Indecisive. Can't seem to assert myself or my will on any situation, hardly the qualities one looks for in a dom. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
I think the main problem is that my condifence is shot. A few meltdowns and a few wonky scenes have really dented it, and to be honest my sense of self-worth has never been the most secure in the world. So right now, I'm very unsure of myself, which makes it very hard to find that dominant state of mind.
Rose, I still love you- and I still want you as my pet, my slave, my love and my rose. I still want this to work, and I know you'll be patient with me as I try and get myself back on track. I'm so sorry for the pain I know I'm putting you through.
And the good news is, I have the beginnings of a plan. It occurred to me late last night, that a relationship is a lot like a building in that it needs a solid foundation. Without that, you can't have confidence that it won't all fall apart under pressure. So we...well, I, need to go back to the beginnings. I'm going to look, over the next couple of days, at the most basic parts of our relationship, go back into our history and look at it. Take inspiration. And start again at the basics- but make myself a part of them, too.
When rose had problems with issues of confidence and self-worth in the earlier stages of our relationship, I knew what to do- but I took my own dominance and that part of our dynamic for granted. Now I need to find ways to work on it myself, so I think I need to create similar exercises and affirmations, rituals if you will, to help rebuild my own sense of place in our relationship.
The foundations of a strong relationship, are a sense of self-worth and the ability to trust in the other person. I've let both fall into disrepair, but at least I've got an idea to start rebuilding them.
Advice and comments are welcome, and I'll let you know how I get on.
I'm serious. I look inside, I can't find it. All my confidence, all my motivation, all my drive, all my...everything is gone, and I'm not sure how to bring it back.
I really don't know quite how it happened. My feelings toward rose and toward BDSM haven't changed, I still love them both and want them both in my life. It's just that I don't seem to be able to get back on the horse and return things to how they/I/we were before we went away. But I need to, because I know that we both need it, and I can see every day the strain this is putting on rose personally, and our relationship. Not to mention what it's doing to my own emotions and mindset.
I try to get in the right headspace, but it feels like putting on a coat that's way too big for me- I just feel wrong. Right now I'm timid. Indecisive. Can't seem to assert myself or my will on any situation, hardly the qualities one looks for in a dom. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
I think the main problem is that my condifence is shot. A few meltdowns and a few wonky scenes have really dented it, and to be honest my sense of self-worth has never been the most secure in the world. So right now, I'm very unsure of myself, which makes it very hard to find that dominant state of mind.
Rose, I still love you- and I still want you as my pet, my slave, my love and my rose. I still want this to work, and I know you'll be patient with me as I try and get myself back on track. I'm so sorry for the pain I know I'm putting you through.
And the good news is, I have the beginnings of a plan. It occurred to me late last night, that a relationship is a lot like a building in that it needs a solid foundation. Without that, you can't have confidence that it won't all fall apart under pressure. So we...well, I, need to go back to the beginnings. I'm going to look, over the next couple of days, at the most basic parts of our relationship, go back into our history and look at it. Take inspiration. And start again at the basics- but make myself a part of them, too.
When rose had problems with issues of confidence and self-worth in the earlier stages of our relationship, I knew what to do- but I took my own dominance and that part of our dynamic for granted. Now I need to find ways to work on it myself, so I think I need to create similar exercises and affirmations, rituals if you will, to help rebuild my own sense of place in our relationship.
The foundations of a strong relationship, are a sense of self-worth and the ability to trust in the other person. I've let both fall into disrepair, but at least I've got an idea to start rebuilding them.
Advice and comments are welcome, and I'll let you know how I get on.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
standards
(the last post I'll import from soulcast- promise!)
I haven't posted anything for a while, so I thought I'd give you all another insight into what I like to think of as my theoretical side. I think it's important to have a theory behind what you do- an intellectual and psychological framework that helps me understand what I do as a dom and in understanding it, become better at it. So, my usual practice after each scene is to review it in my mind, looking at what I did right, what went wrong, what could be improved, any ideas that could be taken further, any new ideas that have arisen, stuff like that. (Not just egoistically focused, I also think about my sub :P)
Anyway, something that's evolved through this is a criteria, or a set of standards that I like to hold myself to as a Dom. I'd like to share that with you all, and see what you think.
1. Technical skills- did I do everything safely and effectively? Was my flogging accurate and controlled? Was my bondage safe and efficient? Was I at all times listening for a safeword and watching my playmate's response? Did I leave any marks that I didn't intend to? Did I stretch my skills? Did they improve?
2. Communication- Were my instructions clear and comprehensible? Was I constantly letting my sub feel safe by knowing she's under the power of someone she trusts and will look after her? Was I payng attention to the details of her responses and tracking her condition in my mind?
3. Fun- was it an enjoyable session for my sub? Did I enjoy it? Was it satisfying mentally? Sexually? Aesthetically? Emotionally? Do I feel happier? Do I feel closer to my sub, more connected? Does she share those feelings? Does she feel happy in the aftermath? What about when the afterglow fades?
4. Desire- this is the hardest one, because it involves balancing two contradictory maxims: "always leave the audience wanting more" and "never leave a lover unsatisfied". Have I given her a desire for more, while leaving her for the moment completely satisfied and still?
If I can answer yes to all of those questions (and I mean ALL) it's a good session. There will never be a perfect session, and generally I'm happy if I can get through without feeling that there are more than two or three questions which I have to say no for. So yeah. These are the standards I hold myself to. I hope this has been enlightening.
I haven't posted anything for a while, so I thought I'd give you all another insight into what I like to think of as my theoretical side. I think it's important to have a theory behind what you do- an intellectual and psychological framework that helps me understand what I do as a dom and in understanding it, become better at it. So, my usual practice after each scene is to review it in my mind, looking at what I did right, what went wrong, what could be improved, any ideas that could be taken further, any new ideas that have arisen, stuff like that. (Not just egoistically focused, I also think about my sub :P)
Anyway, something that's evolved through this is a criteria, or a set of standards that I like to hold myself to as a Dom. I'd like to share that with you all, and see what you think.
1. Technical skills- did I do everything safely and effectively? Was my flogging accurate and controlled? Was my bondage safe and efficient? Was I at all times listening for a safeword and watching my playmate's response? Did I leave any marks that I didn't intend to? Did I stretch my skills? Did they improve?
2. Communication- Were my instructions clear and comprehensible? Was I constantly letting my sub feel safe by knowing she's under the power of someone she trusts and will look after her? Was I payng attention to the details of her responses and tracking her condition in my mind?
3. Fun- was it an enjoyable session for my sub? Did I enjoy it? Was it satisfying mentally? Sexually? Aesthetically? Emotionally? Do I feel happier? Do I feel closer to my sub, more connected? Does she share those feelings? Does she feel happy in the aftermath? What about when the afterglow fades?
4. Desire- this is the hardest one, because it involves balancing two contradictory maxims: "always leave the audience wanting more" and "never leave a lover unsatisfied". Have I given her a desire for more, while leaving her for the moment completely satisfied and still?
If I can answer yes to all of those questions (and I mean ALL) it's a good session. There will never be a perfect session, and generally I'm happy if I can get through without feeling that there are more than two or three questions which I have to say no for. So yeah. These are the standards I hold myself to. I hope this has been enlightening.
Virtue
(another post brought over from my old blog)
What makes a good dom? As far as I can tell, and I've been thinking on this matter a lot over recent months, it can be boiled down to a few virtues that flow neatly, simply one to the next. Allow me to present them.
At the core of it, the mother of all these virtues and the one virtue necessary before one can claim to be a good dom comes humility. What is humility? Humility is not neurotic or unhealthy levels of self-doubt, nor it is an inferiority complex nor a lack of self-worth. It is not the lacking of any pride at all, because a level of pride and the ability to take pride in one's is healthy in a dom, as it is in anyone. Humility is pride within realistic limits, the understanding that holding a whip does not bestow omniscience or infalibility on a dom, the constant memory that one is only human, flawed and capable of making mistakes. If you do not think you can make mistakes, then you will never be prepared to deal with them when you do. It is also the ability to see your sub as still being human, with the same rights to happiness, safety and security no matter how much power they surrender to you- and the wisdom to see that their giving you that power gives you the responsibility to bestow those things on them.
When a dom has humility, then the second virtue will emerge as one begins to identify with their sub: compassion. Compassion in the BDSM sense may not be the same as it is in the more general. Compassion in a dom is not, after all, an unwillingness to see hurt come to anyone. It is an understanding that your sub has needs, and seeking to meet them as well as possible, as well as balancing their needs in that moment against their longterm well-being. It is also compassion for yourself. An overdose of humility may lead a dom to sacrificing themselves beyond what is healthy or productive, or the belief that you can change anything and fix any and all problems that might occur. No one is well served when you beat your head against a brick wall without the possibility of changing things.
When a dom mixes true humility with compassion, then the necessary consequence is the development of self-control. To quote Patrick Califia, one of my favourite kinky writers 'injury is most often the result of arrogance, ignorance, or intoxication'. The ability to control one's desires, to modulate and moderate one's fantasies to the restraints of reality and the limits of your sub is the heart of self-control, and the self-control of the dom is the lynchpin of a safe scene. Once you are compassionate enough to recognise the limits of your sub and humble enough to recognise you have no right to arbitrarily violate them, then self-control will be the natural consequence of these virtues.
Self-control will always seek knowledge of the boundaries in which it operates. Knowledge of yourself- how hard can I spank? How long am I capable of remaining focussed on the scene for? Knowledge of your sub- how long can she take a caning for? Where are her emotional buttons? Which ones are safe to press, and which should be left alone? Knowledge of technique- DO I know how to do this activity safely? What is a safe way to restrain her for this activity? What is the best way to create sensation without damage? Knowledge of your equipment- how severe is that flogger? How would I clean this toy if it came in contact with blood?
When one has the self control necessary to bridge between fantasy and reality, and the knowledge to perform those actions, then we have the playground in which the dom can let his imagination exercise itself. Imagination keeps things fresh and interesting, it sees ways around problems and roadblocks that may come up on the road deeper into your D/s relationship, it allows you to push things in directions neither of you may have predicted before, but being grounded in knowledge and self-control does so in a manner that is always safe and controlled.
The final virtue arises out of knowledge and imagination, and is the spirit of adventure. A truly great dom has this- his imagination and knowledge of his sub and the secret corners of her mind and desires enables him to keep pushing, to go deeper, to constantly try and find new things, to refine existing techniques and skills, to keep learning, to keep the romance and the novelty and the excitement, the eroticism, the energy of the relationship alive and growing. A sense of adventure embraces change, rejoices in watching the dom and the sub grow and develop both as individuals and couples, and always seeks out the next step on the road.
Those among you who are so inclined might notice that the virtues I've set out here follow the pattern of the fibonacci sequence; each virtue arising from the sum of the two that preceeded it. From that, you may deduce, these virtues must continue indefinately in number and advancement. Perhaps they do, but I feel that the ones I've listed here form the foundation of what it means to be a good dom. Do I live up to them? Probably not. Not yet. I hope to, one day, hopefully one day soon, but the reality is that a standard of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Being unattainable, however, does not mean that it is not worth shooting for.
Questions? Comments? Things I've missed? Let me know.
What makes a good dom? As far as I can tell, and I've been thinking on this matter a lot over recent months, it can be boiled down to a few virtues that flow neatly, simply one to the next. Allow me to present them.
At the core of it, the mother of all these virtues and the one virtue necessary before one can claim to be a good dom comes humility. What is humility? Humility is not neurotic or unhealthy levels of self-doubt, nor it is an inferiority complex nor a lack of self-worth. It is not the lacking of any pride at all, because a level of pride and the ability to take pride in one's is healthy in a dom, as it is in anyone. Humility is pride within realistic limits, the understanding that holding a whip does not bestow omniscience or infalibility on a dom, the constant memory that one is only human, flawed and capable of making mistakes. If you do not think you can make mistakes, then you will never be prepared to deal with them when you do. It is also the ability to see your sub as still being human, with the same rights to happiness, safety and security no matter how much power they surrender to you- and the wisdom to see that their giving you that power gives you the responsibility to bestow those things on them.
When a dom has humility, then the second virtue will emerge as one begins to identify with their sub: compassion. Compassion in the BDSM sense may not be the same as it is in the more general. Compassion in a dom is not, after all, an unwillingness to see hurt come to anyone. It is an understanding that your sub has needs, and seeking to meet them as well as possible, as well as balancing their needs in that moment against their longterm well-being. It is also compassion for yourself. An overdose of humility may lead a dom to sacrificing themselves beyond what is healthy or productive, or the belief that you can change anything and fix any and all problems that might occur. No one is well served when you beat your head against a brick wall without the possibility of changing things.
When a dom mixes true humility with compassion, then the necessary consequence is the development of self-control. To quote Patrick Califia, one of my favourite kinky writers 'injury is most often the result of arrogance, ignorance, or intoxication'. The ability to control one's desires, to modulate and moderate one's fantasies to the restraints of reality and the limits of your sub is the heart of self-control, and the self-control of the dom is the lynchpin of a safe scene. Once you are compassionate enough to recognise the limits of your sub and humble enough to recognise you have no right to arbitrarily violate them, then self-control will be the natural consequence of these virtues.
Self-control will always seek knowledge of the boundaries in which it operates. Knowledge of yourself- how hard can I spank? How long am I capable of remaining focussed on the scene for? Knowledge of your sub- how long can she take a caning for? Where are her emotional buttons? Which ones are safe to press, and which should be left alone? Knowledge of technique- DO I know how to do this activity safely? What is a safe way to restrain her for this activity? What is the best way to create sensation without damage? Knowledge of your equipment- how severe is that flogger? How would I clean this toy if it came in contact with blood?
When one has the self control necessary to bridge between fantasy and reality, and the knowledge to perform those actions, then we have the playground in which the dom can let his imagination exercise itself. Imagination keeps things fresh and interesting, it sees ways around problems and roadblocks that may come up on the road deeper into your D/s relationship, it allows you to push things in directions neither of you may have predicted before, but being grounded in knowledge and self-control does so in a manner that is always safe and controlled.
The final virtue arises out of knowledge and imagination, and is the spirit of adventure. A truly great dom has this- his imagination and knowledge of his sub and the secret corners of her mind and desires enables him to keep pushing, to go deeper, to constantly try and find new things, to refine existing techniques and skills, to keep learning, to keep the romance and the novelty and the excitement, the eroticism, the energy of the relationship alive and growing. A sense of adventure embraces change, rejoices in watching the dom and the sub grow and develop both as individuals and couples, and always seeks out the next step on the road.
Those among you who are so inclined might notice that the virtues I've set out here follow the pattern of the fibonacci sequence; each virtue arising from the sum of the two that preceeded it. From that, you may deduce, these virtues must continue indefinately in number and advancement. Perhaps they do, but I feel that the ones I've listed here form the foundation of what it means to be a good dom. Do I live up to them? Probably not. Not yet. I hope to, one day, hopefully one day soon, but the reality is that a standard of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Being unattainable, however, does not mean that it is not worth shooting for.
Questions? Comments? Things I've missed? Let me know.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
the dominant mentality
Subspace and subdrop are well understood and widely discussed phenomena. Most any introductory BDSM site or book will contain some advice to new subs, warning them to expect it, what it feels like, ways to cope when it comes, and more advanced ones will dedicate lengthy discussion to what causes it, and ways it can be brought on more quickly, more secretly, without the presence of one's Master, etc. It's a common topic of discussion, and a reasonable consensus exists as to the general patterns and sensations of it.
What about the other side of these states? Doms, after all, do need to find themselves in a headspace suitable to play, and can experience a drop of their own after it fades away. But, while it is in general agreed that this 'domspace' and 'domdrop' do exist, there's relatively little discussion and description of it out there. There are many possible reasons for this; perhaps your average dom is less sociable, more self-reliant than most subbies, perhaps the conditions are more ideopathic than their equivalents on the distaff side.
So i'll discuss it in personal terms.
It's not easy, though, to describe what domspace feels like, particularly to people who have never experienced it. How would you go about describing the colour yellow to someone who had never had sight? How would you explain the feeling of listening to Beethoven's Ninth to someone without hearing? Language really doesn't leave me with many ways to describe it
directly, so I'm going to have to resort to abstractions for it- apologies, but you're in for a lot of allusion, similie and metaphor. I'll try to remain as lucid and prosaic as possible, but no promises.
I believe it's John Milton who spoke of 'justifying man's ways to god, and god's to man'. In many ways, that's not far from the feeling of being in my dominant world. It's a feeling like being a divinity within a mortal world, and trying to link the two together. The feeling of power, of connectedness to my pet and to the whole world around us is amazing. I can feel my senses sharpen, my thinking accelerate, like the most savage adrenaline rush, but drawn out, going and going and going with no end in sight. I feel the change in my body, too, my posture changes, my muscles tense, my breathing shifts in rhythm, my skin tingles with a galvanic response. But the most important thing is the surge of confidence, of self-belief, of pure willpower that comes on. I make descisions in an instant, and I know they're right- not because of any external validity, but through the sheer fact of having made them; my desire for them to be perfect MAKES them perfect. That feeling, of reflexive, infallible, instinctive perfection is entirely intoxicating.
There's also the confidence of knowing one's exact place within the universe, and the contentment of knowing that you're there. When I'm in my dominant space there's no doubt, because I know that my place is right where I am, in the here and the now, and that the naked pet cowering at my feet, kissing them with such reverence and devotion is simply what I, as a god among mortals, deserve. She is worshipful, passionate, beautiful, and content in her place, and it is satisfying to know that I deserve such adulation.
The lust transforms me. It's an incredibly intense feeling of desire; knowledge that any carnal indulgence I desire is open to me- possession, control, desire, the drive to take the pleasure and satisfaction that is due to me, and the power and energy that come from this feeling open my body to pleasures that I had never dreamed possible.
It is the purest feeling of being alive, without doubt, without fear, with total and utter belief in myself, and the knowledge that I deserve every perk that comes from embracing the god within me. The tempatation to hubris is, of course, intense. The temptation to abuse my power is always there. I've spoken before about the virtues I think make a good dominant- being able to hold onto those even in these moments is of paramount importance. I know, in my lucid, normal moments that I am not a god. I am not perfect. I am fallible, weak, human. The foundation of the self-respect I keep in those moments where I'm aware of that is that I've been able to keep to those virtues even when I've been drunk on dominance; that even in those moments of pure, unreflective, uncritical desire, I've held onto the things I believed and acted in the best interests of my pet.
Domspace, then. A sensation like no other- a sensation I've only barely scratched the surface of in my description. One that defies more detailed definition by its very nature.
But not one that lasts forever.
It can last a long time. It might fade from the peak, but I can stay in a mild form of it, a low-key euphoria for days afterward. Sometimes, I don't drop, just fade back slowly to normalcy. But a lot of the time, I crash like an angel thrown from paradise.
That's the feeling. I was a god. My senses walked the world in a sharpness, a clarity, unknown to mortals. I have fed on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise. But now I'm not special. I'm ordinary, normal, boring, mortal, and even worse for having once been something more. I'm inert with a lack of energy, tired beyond belief, but usually unable to sleep, restless and without concentration. My body feels heavier than usual, my posture more stooped and downtrodden, my reflexes and movements unbearably sluggish. I'm indecisive, insecure, I doubt everything I do, feel irrational guilt and live in anxious apprehension of imminent calamity.
There are different degrees to it, of course. What I've written above is probably an extreme case, but it's what I felt up until about an hour ago. It's interesting that the degree to which I drop doesn't really bear any relation to how intensely or for how long I went into domspace. But the relationship of the sensations is clear- a feeling of being stripped of everything I felt while in space. Of losing the things that made me special, confident, euphoric. Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics, wrote 'If eudaimonia, or happiness, is action in accordance with excellence, then it stands to reason then this action must be in accordance with the highest excellence within us'. That eudaimonia, that happiness, that action n accordance with the highest excellence within me is what I have- and that happiness is what I lose when I drop.
It can last for anything from about 12 hours to two or three days. There are numerous things that I use to try and pull myself out or mitigate the feeling. Long, hot showers. Physical exertion. Indulgence in favourite foods. Trying to lose myself in some activity, study, reading, gaming, music, family, movies, anything I can get my mind to settle to. But what really works, the only cure that works every time, and what works quickest is...
My rose.
Talking to her, even on the phone, reminding myself that she still loves me, still worships me, still serves me, even when I'm at my weakest and lowest, hearing her voice, her laugh, her love, feeling her arms around me, resting curled up next to her, feeling her hands on my skin, soothing, caring, loving, so warm and sweet and devoted, all these things can bring me back to myself. There's no cure, no remedy, no balm that can exceed the feeling of having one's slave to care for you, of having one's love for her reflected back. No medicine like the devotion of a loving pet. Especially if she gives you a massage and makes you a pavlova. Doms are lucky to have such wonderful creatures to care for us in our moments of crisis.
I'm just luckier than the rest of you.
I hope this has been at least marginally comprehensible. Better yet, I hope it's helped you understand a little of what it's like for us d-types. Comments? Questions? Flaming arrows?
What about the other side of these states? Doms, after all, do need to find themselves in a headspace suitable to play, and can experience a drop of their own after it fades away. But, while it is in general agreed that this 'domspace' and 'domdrop' do exist, there's relatively little discussion and description of it out there. There are many possible reasons for this; perhaps your average dom is less sociable, more self-reliant than most subbies, perhaps the conditions are more ideopathic than their equivalents on the distaff side.
So i'll discuss it in personal terms.
It's not easy, though, to describe what domspace feels like, particularly to people who have never experienced it. How would you go about describing the colour yellow to someone who had never had sight? How would you explain the feeling of listening to Beethoven's Ninth to someone without hearing? Language really doesn't leave me with many ways to describe it
directly, so I'm going to have to resort to abstractions for it- apologies, but you're in for a lot of allusion, similie and metaphor. I'll try to remain as lucid and prosaic as possible, but no promises.
I believe it's John Milton who spoke of 'justifying man's ways to god, and god's to man'. In many ways, that's not far from the feeling of being in my dominant world. It's a feeling like being a divinity within a mortal world, and trying to link the two together. The feeling of power, of connectedness to my pet and to the whole world around us is amazing. I can feel my senses sharpen, my thinking accelerate, like the most savage adrenaline rush, but drawn out, going and going and going with no end in sight. I feel the change in my body, too, my posture changes, my muscles tense, my breathing shifts in rhythm, my skin tingles with a galvanic response. But the most important thing is the surge of confidence, of self-belief, of pure willpower that comes on. I make descisions in an instant, and I know they're right- not because of any external validity, but through the sheer fact of having made them; my desire for them to be perfect MAKES them perfect. That feeling, of reflexive, infallible, instinctive perfection is entirely intoxicating.
There's also the confidence of knowing one's exact place within the universe, and the contentment of knowing that you're there. When I'm in my dominant space there's no doubt, because I know that my place is right where I am, in the here and the now, and that the naked pet cowering at my feet, kissing them with such reverence and devotion is simply what I, as a god among mortals, deserve. She is worshipful, passionate, beautiful, and content in her place, and it is satisfying to know that I deserve such adulation.
The lust transforms me. It's an incredibly intense feeling of desire; knowledge that any carnal indulgence I desire is open to me- possession, control, desire, the drive to take the pleasure and satisfaction that is due to me, and the power and energy that come from this feeling open my body to pleasures that I had never dreamed possible.
It is the purest feeling of being alive, without doubt, without fear, with total and utter belief in myself, and the knowledge that I deserve every perk that comes from embracing the god within me. The tempatation to hubris is, of course, intense. The temptation to abuse my power is always there. I've spoken before about the virtues I think make a good dominant- being able to hold onto those even in these moments is of paramount importance. I know, in my lucid, normal moments that I am not a god. I am not perfect. I am fallible, weak, human. The foundation of the self-respect I keep in those moments where I'm aware of that is that I've been able to keep to those virtues even when I've been drunk on dominance; that even in those moments of pure, unreflective, uncritical desire, I've held onto the things I believed and acted in the best interests of my pet.
Domspace, then. A sensation like no other- a sensation I've only barely scratched the surface of in my description. One that defies more detailed definition by its very nature.
But not one that lasts forever.
It can last a long time. It might fade from the peak, but I can stay in a mild form of it, a low-key euphoria for days afterward. Sometimes, I don't drop, just fade back slowly to normalcy. But a lot of the time, I crash like an angel thrown from paradise.
That's the feeling. I was a god. My senses walked the world in a sharpness, a clarity, unknown to mortals. I have fed on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise. But now I'm not special. I'm ordinary, normal, boring, mortal, and even worse for having once been something more. I'm inert with a lack of energy, tired beyond belief, but usually unable to sleep, restless and without concentration. My body feels heavier than usual, my posture more stooped and downtrodden, my reflexes and movements unbearably sluggish. I'm indecisive, insecure, I doubt everything I do, feel irrational guilt and live in anxious apprehension of imminent calamity.
There are different degrees to it, of course. What I've written above is probably an extreme case, but it's what I felt up until about an hour ago. It's interesting that the degree to which I drop doesn't really bear any relation to how intensely or for how long I went into domspace. But the relationship of the sensations is clear- a feeling of being stripped of everything I felt while in space. Of losing the things that made me special, confident, euphoric. Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics, wrote 'If eudaimonia, or happiness, is action in accordance with excellence, then it stands to reason then this action must be in accordance with the highest excellence within us'. That eudaimonia, that happiness, that action n accordance with the highest excellence within me is what I have- and that happiness is what I lose when I drop.
It can last for anything from about 12 hours to two or three days. There are numerous things that I use to try and pull myself out or mitigate the feeling. Long, hot showers. Physical exertion. Indulgence in favourite foods. Trying to lose myself in some activity, study, reading, gaming, music, family, movies, anything I can get my mind to settle to. But what really works, the only cure that works every time, and what works quickest is...
My rose.
Talking to her, even on the phone, reminding myself that she still loves me, still worships me, still serves me, even when I'm at my weakest and lowest, hearing her voice, her laugh, her love, feeling her arms around me, resting curled up next to her, feeling her hands on my skin, soothing, caring, loving, so warm and sweet and devoted, all these things can bring me back to myself. There's no cure, no remedy, no balm that can exceed the feeling of having one's slave to care for you, of having one's love for her reflected back. No medicine like the devotion of a loving pet. Especially if she gives you a massage and makes you a pavlova. Doms are lucky to have such wonderful creatures to care for us in our moments of crisis.
I'm just luckier than the rest of you.
I hope this has been at least marginally comprehensible. Better yet, I hope it's helped you understand a little of what it's like for us d-types. Comments? Questions? Flaming arrows?
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