So, I recently received the question on formspring 'what is something you've had to overcome in your BDSM life?" It was an intersting question, but unfortunately formspring ate my response. I'm going to try reconstructing it here.
When I was in the early stages of my relationship with rose, I had a lot of problems with guilt. This would be especially prevalent after scenes, often showing up as part of my drop. I would blame myself for everything that was less than perfect in the scene, in the relationship, in the world around me. I would be certain that there was no way in which rose could be happy with me, that because of my failings and the things I had done it was only a matter of time until I'd lose her- and even worse, that I'd deserve it. Basically, my train of thought was "You say you love this girl? How could you hurt/degrade/take advantage of her like that? What kind of person are you?" I've had problems in my life based around guilt and blaming myself for things beyond my control, of always looking for how I could attribute anything bad happening to my own failings for a long time, it's just that it seemed to particularly attach itself to the kink in my life.
And it sucked.
It came to a head late one night. We had been involved in what was (up until that point) the most intense scene in our three or four month old relationship. It had been very different to the scenes we had done so far- while normally our play is very mutual- with no real flavour of coercion or force involved, but of a slave willingly and gladly giving herself for her Master's enjoyment- this was very different. Much more conflict driven, more like forcing her to submit against her will, and her resisting me. While I did feel a sense of unease about this at the time, I pushed it down and saw the scene through to its conclusion, losing myself in the moment. It went far beyond what we'd done before, and really pushed both of us to our limits, despite being completely impromptu.
We were lying in bed together, afterward, when it hit me. Guilt, overwhelming. Guilt for having forced her to do something against her will (it wasn't). Guilt at having hurt her (I hadn't, beyond a few scratches and bruises). Guilt for having enjoyed doing something so abusive and vicious to her. Certainty that after this she would hate me, that she would leave, that she would never trust me again. Absolute terror that I would lose her. I broke down. I started crying uncontrollably. Begging and pleading for her to forgive me.
Rose was magnificent in that moment. Even though she was scared and worried for me, she took me in her arms and talked me down. Made me understand that she was fine, that I hadn't hurt her, that she had enjoyed what we had done, that there was no risk of me losing her. She slowly brought me back to a more lucid state, and from there the conversation started. She drew out of me eactly how I was feeling, got me to open up about events and feelings that I had never shared with another person, we talked about all the fears and anxieties and the guilt that was going through me. And she made it better. It was one of the moments that really convinced me that my rose was the girl -the slave, the pet, the lover, the partner- that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That she was the one for me. While it was a tough moment, it was -as so many of the toughest moments in relationships are- the one that was the key to making something that would last.
It hasn't been easy, or a perfect process. But I understand now that I don't need to fear letting go like that, or feel guilty about enjoying it. That play with rose is pleasure and joy for both of us. That even when I'm in the grip of the most powerful and sadistic throes of dom-space, that I can be trusted, that it can be a positive thing. I've had to do a lot of work with rose's help, and I'm not all the way there. I do still blame myself for things, and I haven't been able to change my thought processes to the degree I'd like as yet. But I'm making progress, and I've managed to all but eliminate it in our play and relationship. I couldn't have done it without rose, but with her...it's working.
The way we've grown together, grown FOR each other, is one of the most magical and satisfying things about our relationship, and I wouldn't trade any of the experiences that have lead us here, no matter how painful they were at the time.
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Continuing continuances...
I felt it was about time for me to write something. I know I haven't in a while.
Things were very tough for R and I over the summer months. But for the last month or two, things have really come good. It serves as a lesson to me on several things, that I'd like to jot down in case they interest you.
1. That I have an amazing slave and partner in my rose. Without her patience, her trust, her love and her loyalty, we'd never have gotten to this point.
2. Dominance, like submission, is something that requires you to work at it. Sometimes there seems to be a perception that Doms just kind of...are. While subs have to work constantly to remain in the right mindset and feel in their place, a lot of the time this process for Dominants is glossed over, dismissed or just ignored. It's not the case. One of the most important things in getting back to where we wanted to be was for me to find myself as a Master again. But now, with daily work at it (good, I think, for both of us) and getting in touch with that part of myself every day I find it much easier to get into and stay in my dominant place.
3. Relationships take work. I'm guilty of falling into the same trap a lot of people, kinky or vanilla, fall into: of assuming that things will just work out on their own. Communication, effort, understanding, desire to improve things that aren't working, compassion and empathy with your partner- slave or otherwise- are all critical things.
4. That being said, one of the things that's been most important for me to learn is that I *AM* a good partner, and I *AM* a good Master. That one failing isn't the end of world, and that blaming myself and dwelling on the past is not the same as taking responsibility in a positive way for my mistakes. Being a good Master and being a good lover and partner are not mutually exclusive things, and I am capable of being both.
5. Patience is just about the most imporant virtue for anyone to possess; in my case I particularly need to develop patience with myself.
6. Keeping things fresh is important. I think the daily tasks (and a focus on doing more direct and less abstract D/s activities in general) have really helped with this, for me at least. Every day I get another opportunity to try new things and they may not always work- but it stretches my imagination and pet's boundaries, and that's a good thing.
7. Abstraction doesn't really work. This is related to what I mentioned above. One of the main problems we've experienced has stemmed from the fact that before they structure of our life was very different when we were together compared to when we were apart. Previously, rose was directed to do a lot of tasks that were very abstract- meditiations, mantras, etc- that were almost never a part of our time together, and while they were enjoyable, didn't really fit with the style of D/s that has evolved between us in the realy world. Now we're focusing on things that are more like our own style; more playful, less formal than most, and are thus more directly pleasing and satisfying to both of us.
In particular, expanding my resolution to "Do at least one thing every day that helps rose engage with her submission and me with my dominance" into daily tasking activities has really been good for me (and I think for her as well). It's helped us both to cope with things outside the relationship that have been hard, as well as improving our relationship to each other.
8. Rose really is wonderful as both a partner and as my slave. Did I say that already? Oh well.
Things were very tough for R and I over the summer months. But for the last month or two, things have really come good. It serves as a lesson to me on several things, that I'd like to jot down in case they interest you.
1. That I have an amazing slave and partner in my rose. Without her patience, her trust, her love and her loyalty, we'd never have gotten to this point.
2. Dominance, like submission, is something that requires you to work at it. Sometimes there seems to be a perception that Doms just kind of...are. While subs have to work constantly to remain in the right mindset and feel in their place, a lot of the time this process for Dominants is glossed over, dismissed or just ignored. It's not the case. One of the most important things in getting back to where we wanted to be was for me to find myself as a Master again. But now, with daily work at it (good, I think, for both of us) and getting in touch with that part of myself every day I find it much easier to get into and stay in my dominant place.
3. Relationships take work. I'm guilty of falling into the same trap a lot of people, kinky or vanilla, fall into: of assuming that things will just work out on their own. Communication, effort, understanding, desire to improve things that aren't working, compassion and empathy with your partner- slave or otherwise- are all critical things.
4. That being said, one of the things that's been most important for me to learn is that I *AM* a good partner, and I *AM* a good Master. That one failing isn't the end of world, and that blaming myself and dwelling on the past is not the same as taking responsibility in a positive way for my mistakes. Being a good Master and being a good lover and partner are not mutually exclusive things, and I am capable of being both.
5. Patience is just about the most imporant virtue for anyone to possess; in my case I particularly need to develop patience with myself.
6. Keeping things fresh is important. I think the daily tasks (and a focus on doing more direct and less abstract D/s activities in general) have really helped with this, for me at least. Every day I get another opportunity to try new things and they may not always work- but it stretches my imagination and pet's boundaries, and that's a good thing.
7. Abstraction doesn't really work. This is related to what I mentioned above. One of the main problems we've experienced has stemmed from the fact that before they structure of our life was very different when we were together compared to when we were apart. Previously, rose was directed to do a lot of tasks that were very abstract- meditiations, mantras, etc- that were almost never a part of our time together, and while they were enjoyable, didn't really fit with the style of D/s that has evolved between us in the realy world. Now we're focusing on things that are more like our own style; more playful, less formal than most, and are thus more directly pleasing and satisfying to both of us.
In particular, expanding my resolution to "Do at least one thing every day that helps rose engage with her submission and me with my dominance" into daily tasking activities has really been good for me (and I think for her as well). It's helped us both to cope with things outside the relationship that have been hard, as well as improving our relationship to each other.
8. Rose really is wonderful as both a partner and as my slave. Did I say that already? Oh well.
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