Sex, play and being a grown-up

It's not really any secret that we of kinky persuasions are a frequent figure of fun. Whether it's a gentle spoofing or more serious and damaging representations, tv, movies, books and music all have their moments where they use kinky people or activities for humour. Some of us get ourselves twisted into knots about it, and sometimes that's justified. There are some representations of us that are misleading, dangerous or downright nasty.

Still, for a lot of them, I can see where they're coming from. Let's face it, my kinky compadres, that to most outsiders, a lot of what we do would seem silly or even ridiculous. I remember, once when I was new to the kink world, there was an article in my university's student newspaper that featured the phrase "S&M is a barbaric and philistine practice, socially retarded people 'torturing' each other with pretend whips". I was so angry about that article that nearly three years later I still recall it word-for-word. I even wrote a furious letter to the editor (those of you who are regular readers will know what my letters to the editor can be like), although it never got published. Now, with a more mature and reasonable outlook, I recognise that statement as being what it is, misinformed, misleading, irritating, but hardly something to get worked up over. I had commited what I think is the key mistake we make as a community; I took myself and my kinks too seriously.

I want you to think about it. Next time you're at a play party, watching someone scene. Next time you're watching a decent quality kink video. Next time you're reading a kinky book, put down your experienced, insider eyes and look at it from the outside. On the surface, without an understanding of what's really going on, it'll probably look just a little silly to you. It's important to clarify here, just in case anyone has the wrong end of the stick, that I'm not saying BDSM IS silly. Just that to an observer who doesn't understand what is going on, we can appear that way.

Even as an experienced, practicing kinkster, there's probably a fetish or activity that makes you giggle. For me it's pony play; I respect that other people respond to it, but to me it just is adorable and slightly humorous. It brings out the laughter in me, just as surely as caning brings out the hard-on.

There's a reason for it.

As a society, we have some weird notions. Sex is dirty and shameful. Punishing drug users is the right way to stop drugs damaging our society. Kanye West is a talented artist, that sort of thing. One of the weirdest though, is this idea that play and fantasy are not things that are suitable for adults; that these things are undignified pursuits that should be left for children. Accordingly, as sex is not something for children, it must be a serious and dignified business to be approached with the same seriousness as death and taxes. This is why we look silly to the outsider; because we understand that sex, espeically the way we like to do it, is just playtime for grown-ups. (As an aside, I think this is why geeky people like myself are disproportionately attracted to kink; as what is called a geek is often just a grownup who has held onto the value of fantasy and play)

A good case study in this is ageplay, something my pet and I enjoy from time to time. Just like the fantasy and role-playing of children expresses their imagination and also their own needs and desires, and make their first steps at understanding the grown up world through imitation (go on and examine your own childhood games if you don't believe me. It's ok. I'll wait.), so sexual roleplay enables us to get to grips with different parts of our sexuality and fulfil different needs. Looked at with your serious face on, two grown-ups playing Daddy and daughter, the one acting out a masculine stereotype, the other colouring and playing with dolls, looks very strange. Perhaps even strange enough to make the observer uncomfortable, and we all know that discomfort is the basis of a lot of humour. Similarly, the way we play dress-up in our leathers, our latex, even
our titles and interactions, to an outside observer may seem uncomfortably childish. The sexualisation of what we're doing, on top of that, may be doubly disquieting.

Roleplay. Ageplay. Sensation Play. Electrical Play. Wax play. Ponyplay. It's right there in the names we give our kinks and our turn ons. Play. When I'm outside of my domspace, do I feel like I'm an infallible, unstoppable, virile sexual god, worthy only of worship and the adulation of my slave? No. Frankly, some of the things I've done and said when I'm being Master Wyl make me cringe a little when I'm being grown-up, well adjusted William. But that doesn't make what we do in play any less special or meaningful.

I guess what I'm trying to get at here is don't be afraid of that side of things. Even if you're completely vanilla, sex is a whole lot more fun if you don't take it or yourself too seriously. So have some play, people, and make it fun for yourselves- life and sex are both a lot more enjoyable if you know how to laugh at yourselves.