Changes

I'm trying to change.
I have a whole lot of things that I need to be working on.

Anxiety. Poor self-esteem. A lack of emotional intelligence. Difficulties communicating. These things have been a significant millstone around my neck, preventing me from being who I want to be,
A good husband. A good dom. A good friend. A good worker. A good person.

I have lofty ambitions, but I've never been in a place where I could reach them.

I'm changing that. I'm working on a detailed, structured, disciplined method to change the things that I need to change. It's a multi-disciplinary approach.

I'm undergoing a regime of cognitive-behavioural therapy (the other CBT). I'm studying mindfulness-based meditation. I'm working through several highly-regarded self-help books. I'm trying to be more pro-active with my friendships and ambitious in my career.
I'm trying to embrace the things that scare me.

That's not easy. Scary things are, well, scary.

I'm opening my relationship, to a degree, because we've been unhealthily enmeshed for a long time. I'm trying to meet new people and make new friends. I'm accepting that things might not work out, and that failure in one thing does not invalidate my life, or me as a person. I'm developing a taste for adventure and risk that I haven't had for a long time.

I'm re-writing the entire story of my life, and re-wiring my brain as I go.

And there's a long, long way to go.

But you know what? It's working. It's working slowly, but it's working. I'm happier. I'm more confident. I'm feeling the weight that I placed on my own shoulders slowly lift off. My marriage feels stronger already, which is slightly paradoxical given that we've taken a step back from one another, but seems nonetheless to be true.

I always assumed that "if you don't love yourself, no one can really love you" was a bullshit truism. It's not. It really is true. I wouldn't say I love myself, not yet. But I'm working towards it, and that feels good.

Guess I don't know everything, huh?