Missing: One Master

So. Somewhere, out there, I seem to have left my inner dom behind.

I'm serious. I look inside, I can't find it. All my confidence, all my motivation, all my drive, all my...everything is gone, and I'm not sure how to bring it back.

I really don't know quite how it happened. My feelings toward rose and toward BDSM haven't changed, I still love them both and want them both in my life. It's just that I don't seem to be able to get back on the horse and return things to how they/I/we were before we went away. But I need to, because I know that we both need it, and I can see every day the strain this is putting on rose personally, and our relationship. Not to mention what it's doing to my own emotions and mindset.

I try to get in the right headspace, but it feels like putting on a coat that's way too big for me- I just feel wrong. Right now I'm timid. Indecisive. Can't seem to assert myself or my will on any situation, hardly the qualities one looks for in a dom. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

I think the main problem is that my condifence is shot. A few meltdowns and a few wonky scenes have really dented it, and to be honest my sense of self-worth has never been the most secure in the world. So right now, I'm very unsure of myself, which makes it very hard to find that dominant state of mind.

Rose, I still love you- and I still want you as my pet, my slave, my love and my rose. I still want this to work, and I know you'll be patient with me as I try and get myself back on track. I'm so sorry for the pain I know I'm putting you through.

And the good news is, I have the beginnings of a plan. It occurred to me late last night, that a relationship is a lot like a building in that it needs a solid foundation. Without that, you can't have confidence that it won't all fall apart under pressure. So we...well, I, need to go back to the beginnings. I'm going to look, over the next couple of days, at the most basic parts of our relationship, go back into our history and look at it. Take inspiration. And start again at the basics- but make myself a part of them, too.

When rose had problems with issues of confidence and self-worth in the earlier stages of our relationship, I knew what to do- but I took my own dominance and that part of our dynamic for granted. Now I need to find ways to work on it myself, so I think I need to create similar exercises and affirmations, rituals if you will, to help rebuild my own sense of place in our relationship.

The foundations of a strong relationship, are a sense of self-worth and the ability to trust in the other person. I've let both fall into disrepair, but at least I've got an idea to start rebuilding them.

Advice and comments are welcome, and I'll let you know how I get on.