2014 Review

2014 was a weird year.

It started with migraines and ended with gastroenteritis, but in the middle there were some pretty good times. There were some bad ones, as well, but on balance it was an alright year in the personal world.

I've got to think that if you include all the stuff that happened in the world, and there seemed an unnecessarily large amount of it, maybe that would change. But this is a personal and kink blog, and I'm reviewing this in the light of my personal, kinky life.

In a way, the year kind of came full circle - we started out with a renewed dynamic, and we ended with a renewed dynamic. In the middle, there were times where it fell apart, and they weren't good. But as we close in on our second wedding anniversary, I feel like our relationship has never been stronger.

I think that's the real lesson I've taken from this year, across all the areas of my life. Persistence and an ability change the way you do things if the results displease you are the keys to doing things well. Being pleased with little steps and taking pride in them, rather than going for the big win or the quick fix. Not rushing things.

I don't really go in for new years resolutions, but if I did, these would be mine. Just to continue the way things are going- a slow, steady, upwards trend. Also, I'd like to lose about 10 more kilos, but that's neither really here nor there.

Seems like I should be paying more attention to the little things. This year was busy as fuck, we tried and did so many big and  little things. Our holidays, our trip to OzKinkFest, trying watersports, all the scenes and fucking, and all the other moments and developments. It's honestly a blur, a lot of it, but it's a happy blur.

I look forwards to next year, and hope it's just as happy and less of a blur.

In Summer Rain

We took the dog for a walk, trying to get the blood pumping after a slightly over-gluttonous Christmas day.

The weather was a bit unsettled, as it often is in our neck of the woods through spring and early summer. As a consequence, we got soaked in a sudden fall of icy rain, running for the car, slipping and sliding on the muddy walking trail.

We got home, and stripped off our wet clothes. I don't know if you've ever seen rose in her underwear, hair wet, blood pumping from the cold rain and the dash for the car. But I can tell you, it's a pretty appealing sight.

I had to take her, and I did.

I took her to the bedroom, took off what was left on and threw her onto the bed.

I ate her tight little cunt until she gushed and came, moaning and shaking.

I pushed her down and slid into her, pinning her hands above her head, both her wrists in one of my hands, feeling her squeeze me each time I pressed down.

I fucked her. Harder. Faster. Called her my slut. My whore. My fuckdoll. My good little slavecunt.

My hand on her throat, eyes of a predator boring into her.

I tell her to cum.

She cums for me. I cum for her.

We flop into the bed, panting, shaking, her head tucked into my chest.

"I love you, Master."

"I love you, pet."

Training Wheels

I never really learned to ride a bike as a child. I mean, I tried to learn, but when I was about six or so I had a fairly bad accident and never quite got back on. Suited me, I was a lazy, uncoordinated kid anyway, and I seem to remember never really being comfortable on the bike anyway.

This is a very strange beginning to a blog about kink, but do bear with me, I'm pretty sure I've got a point.

Recently, Rose has been taking the dog for a ride with her on her bike. She rides, he trots along, I...stayed home. I decided that, bugger it, I'm going to come along, even if I can't ride a bike. So I bought an adult tricycle. After the massive headache of assembling the thing, and a period of adjustment to it, I've got to say it's pretty fun. My terrible balance isn't a handicap anymore, and I can get out with rose and our poodle and enjoy some good exercise and bond with both of them. It's nice, I enjoy it, we feel like a right little family.

Ok, now we're getting to the point. I promise.

The point I'm trying to make is that if there's something you want to do, find a way to do it, even if that method is unconventional. Even if it might make you feel slightly ridiculous at first. Because trust me, I look ridiculous on that trike. A large, overweight man with too much hair being pulled along on a giant tricycle by a tiny little miniature poodle? If I saw that on TV, I'd sure laugh.

But here's the thing. That's not important. Appearances aren't anything to worry about, and living up to other people's standards is a surefire path to misery.

Rose and I have been doing really well, lately. Our dynamic has been very good, as has our relationship. I think it's because I've found and embraced that third wheel. Found my balance. Started to come into myself as a Dom, and realise that the only standard, the only image I need to live up to is my own.

Attempting to be MasterLordDomlySir the Magnificent and Infallible, attempting to live up to an image that was unattainable, that's not who I am. It might work for some people, but it's not me- apologies to the old schoolers rolling their eyes at the young turk- and it doesn't have to be.

Because for the longest time, I wanted to be. I projected that on to rose. I would beat myself up for not living up to what she wanted, when really what she wanted was for me to be happy in myself. Which of course gave me great excuses not to try, or to try and then beat myself up when I failed.

Now I'm just being me, and it turns out that when I'm just allowing myself to do what comes naturally instead of trying to live up to an ideal, it just...works.

I'm not MasterLordDomlySir the Magnificent and Infallible.

I'm just Master me. Not magnificent. Not infallible. Just happy and fulfilled.

That, as it turns out, is a lot better.

The pursuit of happiness..

Here comes a wall of text! (Tl;dr I'm a mental case but in a good place at the moment)

I have something of an out of control brain at times. Myers-Briggs type INTP, tendencies towards anxiety, inner dialogue I'm only nominally in control of, and a tendency to fixate on and obsess over my many failures and failings, and creating self-fulfilling prophecies that tend bring down the things I try to do.

I endlessly catalogue and analyse my lowest moments and the things that lead to them. I don't do that when I'm happy, and the result is that I tend to understand why and when I'm sad, and be bewlidered by the things that make me happy.

A month ago, I was at a very low moment. My self confidence was missing, as it sometimes goes. A combination of factors, which aren't really productive to go into had dragged me back down again. The result is that I become a pretty toxic person to be around, especially for the people who love me.

I withdraw, avoid, disengage. Try and hide myself in whatever distraction is convenient. I ignore the people around me, knowing that I'm hurting them, but unable to do anything else for fear of making it worse. Despair is a hard feeling to escape from under.

A month ago, I found myself comforting my wife, in bed and in tears at three o'clock on a sunday afternoon, her own sense of self-worth completely eroded by the disappearance of mine. Understandably, seeing this and knowing I had caused it was heartbreaking. I love this woman more than anything, and to have made this happen was...excruciating.

But it was also catalysing. We talked a lot. All afternoon, about the things we'd been feeling, and what might have caused them. Then, a new sense of intimacy blossomed. We played. We fucked. And since then, things have been...good.

I'm not sure why, not sure what's changed in me. But I feel different, and that confident, strong feeling has stayed longer than it has in the past under similar circumstances. I feel so much more sure of myself than I'm used to.

I just can't work out why! That part of my brain that's obsessively self-conscious is missing in action.

That's...uh. Well. Hm. That's probably the answer, huh?