Mission Statement

 The following is an attempt to put into writing what I want to be and to have. My ideal self and relationship. This is obviously subject to change and review.

Self
Aware of what I want, and able to pursue it without fear or self-doubt.

Possessing a confidence based on proven skill and success.

Empathetic, compassionate and understanding. Expressing this towards myself and others.

Committed to everything I do, in particular a program of self-improvement.

Firm, consistent and assertive. Dedicated to the nurturing and development of those who serve me.

Honest, accountable and responsible.

Relationship

Stable, structured, orderly. A sanctuary from the uncertainty of the world outside.

Featuring play and excellent sex, and adventure in and beyond the bedroom.

Featuring on-going development of service and training, both individually and as a couple.

Designed to bring out the best in both of us, and providing support for achieving life goals.

Based on mutual honesty, openness and respect.

Expressed through physical and verbal affection.

Changes, pt. 2

So here I am, a little later.

I laid out the plan last time, and I'm sticking to it. It's a program of study and self-improvement. I know I can't expect results too quickly, and I shouldn't beat myself up for not making rapid progress, or for experiencing setbacks. Practicing acceptance and self-compassion is a skill I'm trying to learn, I view it as fundamental to everything I'm trying to do, and the literature agrees with me.

But it's hard. And it's hard because I'm still terrified of failing. Because of everything that would mean. I know I need to separate having feelings that are bad from feeling that I *am* bad, and sometimes I can even manage it, for a few moments.

But I can't shake the feeling right now. That this trouble we find ourselves in is my fault. If I were a better dom, if I were a better husband, if I were a better person, if I were not **me**...it wouldn't be necessary.

So here I am, a little later, pushing forward. In the dark. Unsure of where this path will lead me, and afraid of losing the things I care about in order to follow it.

I have to have faith that everything will work out, that whatever happens it's going to be ok. That's not a feeling I'm used to cultivating. One more thing to learn, I guess.

Objectively, I know I'm making progress, and that it's ok to doubt. I'm just scared it's not going to be enough. Not going to be in time.

Accept the feelings, observe them, and keep moving. Put a name to your anxieties, understand where they come from, break them into smaller parts, and take action.

I need to remember that. I just wish it were easier to know what the right action was.

Changes

I'm trying to change.
I have a whole lot of things that I need to be working on.

Anxiety. Poor self-esteem. A lack of emotional intelligence. Difficulties communicating. These things have been a significant millstone around my neck, preventing me from being who I want to be,
A good husband. A good dom. A good friend. A good worker. A good person.

I have lofty ambitions, but I've never been in a place where I could reach them.

I'm changing that. I'm working on a detailed, structured, disciplined method to change the things that I need to change. It's a multi-disciplinary approach.

I'm undergoing a regime of cognitive-behavioural therapy (the other CBT). I'm studying mindfulness-based meditation. I'm working through several highly-regarded self-help books. I'm trying to be more pro-active with my friendships and ambitious in my career.
I'm trying to embrace the things that scare me.

That's not easy. Scary things are, well, scary.

I'm opening my relationship, to a degree, because we've been unhealthily enmeshed for a long time. I'm trying to meet new people and make new friends. I'm accepting that things might not work out, and that failure in one thing does not invalidate my life, or me as a person. I'm developing a taste for adventure and risk that I haven't had for a long time.

I'm re-writing the entire story of my life, and re-wiring my brain as I go.

And there's a long, long way to go.

But you know what? It's working. It's working slowly, but it's working. I'm happier. I'm more confident. I'm feeling the weight that I placed on my own shoulders slowly lift off. My marriage feels stronger already, which is slightly paradoxical given that we've taken a step back from one another, but seems nonetheless to be true.

I always assumed that "if you don't love yourself, no one can really love you" was a bullshit truism. It's not. It really is true. I wouldn't say I love myself, not yet. But I'm working towards it, and that feels good.

Guess I don't know everything, huh?