Worry Wart

I'm an anxious person.

I am, there, I said it, I can't take it back.

I worry a lot. Compulsively. I've had panic attacks in the past, and tend towards catastrophic thoughts. When I start to get negative, things can spiral rapidly out of control. I'm pessimistic. I'm cynical. I tend to focus on what can go wrong, rather than what can go right. Threats, not opportunities. Costs, not benefits.

It's not completely useless.It makes me good at my job, which involves a lot of risk management and looking for possible points of failure in processes and procedures. It makes me a very safety conscious top.

But mostly, it's a negative. It holds me back, in my relationship, in my career, in my day-to-day interactions. It's exhausting. It makes me shut myself into my own head, and takes me out of the moment. It makes me afraid to go for things I want, and even the things I need.

Recently, I've been having therapy. This isn't my first foray into counselling, but it's been very different to other experiences. Previous therapists have been very emotive-based, looking at feelings and past traumas and your typical sort of cathartic stuff. Helpful in its way, but not necessarily a solution. The therapy I've been having recently is much more...direct. It's been a very practical, behavioural approach. At first, I thought it wasn't helping. It was stressful, and sessions left me feeling worse than I did when I went in.

But recently, I've been noticing how much it's been helping me. I've been much more aware, much more conscious of my thoughts and my behaviours. I've been noticing when I've been overwhelmed, or stressed, or locked into my head, and trying to push back against it.

It hasn't always worked. That's ok. Nothing's perfect. But, slowly, I'm improving, or at least getting better control over myself.

And it's showing in my relationship. I'm happier. More confident. She calls me Master and I don't doubt or second guess it. I use her, and there isn't a nagging question in my mind about whether I deserve this. I feel like I belong where I am, more than I ever have.

I'm not perfect.

But I'm getting better.