Changes, pt. 2

So here I am, a little later.

I laid out the plan last time, and I'm sticking to it. It's a program of study and self-improvement. I know I can't expect results too quickly, and I shouldn't beat myself up for not making rapid progress, or for experiencing setbacks. Practicing acceptance and self-compassion is a skill I'm trying to learn, I view it as fundamental to everything I'm trying to do, and the literature agrees with me.

But it's hard. And it's hard because I'm still terrified of failing. Because of everything that would mean. I know I need to separate having feelings that are bad from feeling that I *am* bad, and sometimes I can even manage it, for a few moments.

But I can't shake the feeling right now. That this trouble we find ourselves in is my fault. If I were a better dom, if I were a better husband, if I were a better person, if I were not **me**...it wouldn't be necessary.

So here I am, a little later, pushing forward. In the dark. Unsure of where this path will lead me, and afraid of losing the things I care about in order to follow it.

I have to have faith that everything will work out, that whatever happens it's going to be ok. That's not a feeling I'm used to cultivating. One more thing to learn, I guess.

Objectively, I know I'm making progress, and that it's ok to doubt. I'm just scared it's not going to be enough. Not going to be in time.

Accept the feelings, observe them, and keep moving. Put a name to your anxieties, understand where they come from, break them into smaller parts, and take action.

I need to remember that. I just wish it were easier to know what the right action was.