Virtue

(another post brought over from my old blog)

What makes a good dom? As far as I can tell, and I've been thinking on this matter a lot over recent months, it can be boiled down to a few virtues that flow neatly, simply one to the next. Allow me to present them.

At the core of it, the mother of all these virtues and the one virtue necessary before one can claim to be a good dom comes humility. What is humility? Humility is not neurotic or unhealthy levels of self-doubt, nor it is an inferiority complex nor a lack of self-worth. It is not the lacking of any pride at all, because a level of pride and the ability to take pride in one's is healthy in a dom, as it is in anyone. Humility is pride within realistic limits, the understanding that holding a whip does not bestow omniscience or infalibility on a dom, the constant memory that one is only human, flawed and capable of making mistakes. If you do not think you can make mistakes, then you will never be prepared to deal with them when you do. It is also the ability to see your sub as still being human, with the same rights to happiness, safety and security no matter how much power they surrender to you- and the wisdom to see that their giving you that power gives you the responsibility to bestow those things on them.

When a dom has humility, then the second virtue will emerge as one begins to identify with their sub: compassion. Compassion in the BDSM sense may not be the same as it is in the more general. Compassion in a dom is not, after all, an unwillingness to see hurt come to anyone. It is an understanding that your sub has needs, and seeking to meet them as well as possible, as well as balancing their needs in that moment against their longterm well-being. It is also compassion for yourself. An overdose of humility may lead a dom to sacrificing themselves beyond what is healthy or productive, or the belief that you can change anything and fix any and all problems that might occur. No one is well served when you beat your head against a brick wall without the possibility of changing things.

When a dom mixes true humility with compassion, then the necessary consequence is the development of self-control. To quote Patrick Califia, one of my favourite kinky writers 'injury is most often the result of arrogance, ignorance, or intoxication'. The ability to control one's desires, to modulate and moderate one's fantasies to the restraints of reality and the limits of your sub is the heart of self-control, and the self-control of the dom is the lynchpin of a safe scene. Once you are compassionate enough to recognise the limits of your sub and humble enough to recognise you have no right to arbitrarily violate them, then self-control will be the natural consequence of these virtues.

Self-control will always seek knowledge of the boundaries in which it operates. Knowledge of yourself- how hard can I spank? How long am I capable of remaining focussed on the scene for? Knowledge of your sub- how long can she take a caning for? Where are her emotional buttons? Which ones are safe to press, and which should be left alone? Knowledge of technique- DO I know how to do this activity safely? What is a safe way to restrain her for this activity? What is the best way to create sensation without damage? Knowledge of your equipment- how severe is that flogger? How would I clean this toy if it came in contact with blood?

When one has the self control necessary to bridge between fantasy and reality, and the knowledge to perform those actions, then we have the playground in which the dom can let his imagination exercise itself. Imagination keeps things fresh and interesting, it sees ways around problems and roadblocks that may come up on the road deeper into your D/s relationship, it allows you to push things in directions neither of you may have predicted before, but being grounded in knowledge and self-control does so in a manner that is always safe and controlled.

The final virtue arises out of knowledge and imagination, and is the spirit of adventure. A truly great dom has this- his imagination and knowledge of his sub and the secret corners of her mind and desires enables him to keep pushing, to go deeper, to constantly try and find new things, to refine existing techniques and skills, to keep learning, to keep the romance and the novelty and the excitement, the eroticism, the energy of the relationship alive and growing. A sense of adventure embraces change, rejoices in watching the dom and the sub grow and develop both as individuals and couples, and always seeks out the next step on the road.

Those among you who are so inclined might notice that the virtues I've set out here follow the pattern of the fibonacci sequence; each virtue arising from the sum of the two that preceeded it. From that, you may deduce, these virtues must continue indefinately in number and advancement. Perhaps they do, but I feel that the ones I've listed here form the foundation of what it means to be a good dom. Do I live up to them? Probably not. Not yet. I hope to, one day, hopefully one day soon, but the reality is that a standard of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Being unattainable, however, does not mean that it is not worth shooting for.

Questions? Comments? Things I've missed? Let me know.