So, those of you reading rose's blog closely might remember that I'm presently engaged in the process of teaching her to drive. This has been an interesting experience, but in general it's been very fun watching her develop in both skill and confidence as a driver, just like it's been wonderful watching her grow into the wonderful slave that she is.
So last night, we're taking a spin into the city, which we've started doing recently. Things are going very well, which for Melbourne on a saturday night is pretty rare, until we hit clarendon street. On the bridge coming up to crown casino, a hotted up black sports ute, adorned with racist stickers pulls up behind us. For the next ten minutes, it's tailgating us, and despite the almost gridlock traffic, constantly and aggressively honking its horn for no discernable reason.
Obviously, for an inexperienced driver (or even a lot of experienced ones) this is a pretty upsetting experience. I'd like to add that Rose was driving faultlessly in heavy traffic, much better than most of the people around her. This seems to have been an attack that's come purely out of spite.]
But I've never been prouder of the way my slave handled the situation. She didn't freak out. She didn't stop or try to escape or become reckless. She was scared and upset, but she stayed in control of herself and the car until she was able to find a safe spot and pull over. Then, after a few minutes and some cuddles to calm her nerve, she drove us safely and skillfully back home. She faced the problem calmly and cleverly, looked for help when she needed it, and overcame it. Words can't really express how proud I am of my brave little slavedoll.
I think there's something in this for all of us, Dom or sub. Problems will always come, whether you cause them or not. Stay calm and hang tough until you've navigated your way out of them. Never be afraid to lean on those who you trust, and who care for you, because they'll always be there when you need them. Then, when you're ready, get back on the horse and take control of the situation again. It's a good way to go about things.
(P.S. Dear other driver,
Please die in a fire. Failing this, please seek professional help for whatever trauma it is that has turned you into a hateful dickhead. If nothing else, look into penis-enhancing proceedures to try and make your self-loathing a little easier to contain.
Yours,
WyldWyl.
Showing posts with label slave. Show all posts
Showing posts with label slave. Show all posts
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Virtue
(another post brought over from my old blog)
What makes a good dom? As far as I can tell, and I've been thinking on this matter a lot over recent months, it can be boiled down to a few virtues that flow neatly, simply one to the next. Allow me to present them.
At the core of it, the mother of all these virtues and the one virtue necessary before one can claim to be a good dom comes humility. What is humility? Humility is not neurotic or unhealthy levels of self-doubt, nor it is an inferiority complex nor a lack of self-worth. It is not the lacking of any pride at all, because a level of pride and the ability to take pride in one's is healthy in a dom, as it is in anyone. Humility is pride within realistic limits, the understanding that holding a whip does not bestow omniscience or infalibility on a dom, the constant memory that one is only human, flawed and capable of making mistakes. If you do not think you can make mistakes, then you will never be prepared to deal with them when you do. It is also the ability to see your sub as still being human, with the same rights to happiness, safety and security no matter how much power they surrender to you- and the wisdom to see that their giving you that power gives you the responsibility to bestow those things on them.
When a dom has humility, then the second virtue will emerge as one begins to identify with their sub: compassion. Compassion in the BDSM sense may not be the same as it is in the more general. Compassion in a dom is not, after all, an unwillingness to see hurt come to anyone. It is an understanding that your sub has needs, and seeking to meet them as well as possible, as well as balancing their needs in that moment against their longterm well-being. It is also compassion for yourself. An overdose of humility may lead a dom to sacrificing themselves beyond what is healthy or productive, or the belief that you can change anything and fix any and all problems that might occur. No one is well served when you beat your head against a brick wall without the possibility of changing things.
When a dom mixes true humility with compassion, then the necessary consequence is the development of self-control. To quote Patrick Califia, one of my favourite kinky writers 'injury is most often the result of arrogance, ignorance, or intoxication'. The ability to control one's desires, to modulate and moderate one's fantasies to the restraints of reality and the limits of your sub is the heart of self-control, and the self-control of the dom is the lynchpin of a safe scene. Once you are compassionate enough to recognise the limits of your sub and humble enough to recognise you have no right to arbitrarily violate them, then self-control will be the natural consequence of these virtues.
Self-control will always seek knowledge of the boundaries in which it operates. Knowledge of yourself- how hard can I spank? How long am I capable of remaining focussed on the scene for? Knowledge of your sub- how long can she take a caning for? Where are her emotional buttons? Which ones are safe to press, and which should be left alone? Knowledge of technique- DO I know how to do this activity safely? What is a safe way to restrain her for this activity? What is the best way to create sensation without damage? Knowledge of your equipment- how severe is that flogger? How would I clean this toy if it came in contact with blood?
When one has the self control necessary to bridge between fantasy and reality, and the knowledge to perform those actions, then we have the playground in which the dom can let his imagination exercise itself. Imagination keeps things fresh and interesting, it sees ways around problems and roadblocks that may come up on the road deeper into your D/s relationship, it allows you to push things in directions neither of you may have predicted before, but being grounded in knowledge and self-control does so in a manner that is always safe and controlled.
The final virtue arises out of knowledge and imagination, and is the spirit of adventure. A truly great dom has this- his imagination and knowledge of his sub and the secret corners of her mind and desires enables him to keep pushing, to go deeper, to constantly try and find new things, to refine existing techniques and skills, to keep learning, to keep the romance and the novelty and the excitement, the eroticism, the energy of the relationship alive and growing. A sense of adventure embraces change, rejoices in watching the dom and the sub grow and develop both as individuals and couples, and always seeks out the next step on the road.
Those among you who are so inclined might notice that the virtues I've set out here follow the pattern of the fibonacci sequence; each virtue arising from the sum of the two that preceeded it. From that, you may deduce, these virtues must continue indefinately in number and advancement. Perhaps they do, but I feel that the ones I've listed here form the foundation of what it means to be a good dom. Do I live up to them? Probably not. Not yet. I hope to, one day, hopefully one day soon, but the reality is that a standard of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Being unattainable, however, does not mean that it is not worth shooting for.
Questions? Comments? Things I've missed? Let me know.
What makes a good dom? As far as I can tell, and I've been thinking on this matter a lot over recent months, it can be boiled down to a few virtues that flow neatly, simply one to the next. Allow me to present them.
At the core of it, the mother of all these virtues and the one virtue necessary before one can claim to be a good dom comes humility. What is humility? Humility is not neurotic or unhealthy levels of self-doubt, nor it is an inferiority complex nor a lack of self-worth. It is not the lacking of any pride at all, because a level of pride and the ability to take pride in one's is healthy in a dom, as it is in anyone. Humility is pride within realistic limits, the understanding that holding a whip does not bestow omniscience or infalibility on a dom, the constant memory that one is only human, flawed and capable of making mistakes. If you do not think you can make mistakes, then you will never be prepared to deal with them when you do. It is also the ability to see your sub as still being human, with the same rights to happiness, safety and security no matter how much power they surrender to you- and the wisdom to see that their giving you that power gives you the responsibility to bestow those things on them.
When a dom has humility, then the second virtue will emerge as one begins to identify with their sub: compassion. Compassion in the BDSM sense may not be the same as it is in the more general. Compassion in a dom is not, after all, an unwillingness to see hurt come to anyone. It is an understanding that your sub has needs, and seeking to meet them as well as possible, as well as balancing their needs in that moment against their longterm well-being. It is also compassion for yourself. An overdose of humility may lead a dom to sacrificing themselves beyond what is healthy or productive, or the belief that you can change anything and fix any and all problems that might occur. No one is well served when you beat your head against a brick wall without the possibility of changing things.
When a dom mixes true humility with compassion, then the necessary consequence is the development of self-control. To quote Patrick Califia, one of my favourite kinky writers 'injury is most often the result of arrogance, ignorance, or intoxication'. The ability to control one's desires, to modulate and moderate one's fantasies to the restraints of reality and the limits of your sub is the heart of self-control, and the self-control of the dom is the lynchpin of a safe scene. Once you are compassionate enough to recognise the limits of your sub and humble enough to recognise you have no right to arbitrarily violate them, then self-control will be the natural consequence of these virtues.
Self-control will always seek knowledge of the boundaries in which it operates. Knowledge of yourself- how hard can I spank? How long am I capable of remaining focussed on the scene for? Knowledge of your sub- how long can she take a caning for? Where are her emotional buttons? Which ones are safe to press, and which should be left alone? Knowledge of technique- DO I know how to do this activity safely? What is a safe way to restrain her for this activity? What is the best way to create sensation without damage? Knowledge of your equipment- how severe is that flogger? How would I clean this toy if it came in contact with blood?
When one has the self control necessary to bridge between fantasy and reality, and the knowledge to perform those actions, then we have the playground in which the dom can let his imagination exercise itself. Imagination keeps things fresh and interesting, it sees ways around problems and roadblocks that may come up on the road deeper into your D/s relationship, it allows you to push things in directions neither of you may have predicted before, but being grounded in knowledge and self-control does so in a manner that is always safe and controlled.
The final virtue arises out of knowledge and imagination, and is the spirit of adventure. A truly great dom has this- his imagination and knowledge of his sub and the secret corners of her mind and desires enables him to keep pushing, to go deeper, to constantly try and find new things, to refine existing techniques and skills, to keep learning, to keep the romance and the novelty and the excitement, the eroticism, the energy of the relationship alive and growing. A sense of adventure embraces change, rejoices in watching the dom and the sub grow and develop both as individuals and couples, and always seeks out the next step on the road.
Those among you who are so inclined might notice that the virtues I've set out here follow the pattern of the fibonacci sequence; each virtue arising from the sum of the two that preceeded it. From that, you may deduce, these virtues must continue indefinately in number and advancement. Perhaps they do, but I feel that the ones I've listed here form the foundation of what it means to be a good dom. Do I live up to them? Probably not. Not yet. I hope to, one day, hopefully one day soon, but the reality is that a standard of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Being unattainable, however, does not mean that it is not worth shooting for.
Questions? Comments? Things I've missed? Let me know.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
the dominant mentality
Subspace and subdrop are well understood and widely discussed phenomena. Most any introductory BDSM site or book will contain some advice to new subs, warning them to expect it, what it feels like, ways to cope when it comes, and more advanced ones will dedicate lengthy discussion to what causes it, and ways it can be brought on more quickly, more secretly, without the presence of one's Master, etc. It's a common topic of discussion, and a reasonable consensus exists as to the general patterns and sensations of it.
What about the other side of these states? Doms, after all, do need to find themselves in a headspace suitable to play, and can experience a drop of their own after it fades away. But, while it is in general agreed that this 'domspace' and 'domdrop' do exist, there's relatively little discussion and description of it out there. There are many possible reasons for this; perhaps your average dom is less sociable, more self-reliant than most subbies, perhaps the conditions are more ideopathic than their equivalents on the distaff side.
So i'll discuss it in personal terms.
It's not easy, though, to describe what domspace feels like, particularly to people who have never experienced it. How would you go about describing the colour yellow to someone who had never had sight? How would you explain the feeling of listening to Beethoven's Ninth to someone without hearing? Language really doesn't leave me with many ways to describe it
directly, so I'm going to have to resort to abstractions for it- apologies, but you're in for a lot of allusion, similie and metaphor. I'll try to remain as lucid and prosaic as possible, but no promises.
I believe it's John Milton who spoke of 'justifying man's ways to god, and god's to man'. In many ways, that's not far from the feeling of being in my dominant world. It's a feeling like being a divinity within a mortal world, and trying to link the two together. The feeling of power, of connectedness to my pet and to the whole world around us is amazing. I can feel my senses sharpen, my thinking accelerate, like the most savage adrenaline rush, but drawn out, going and going and going with no end in sight. I feel the change in my body, too, my posture changes, my muscles tense, my breathing shifts in rhythm, my skin tingles with a galvanic response. But the most important thing is the surge of confidence, of self-belief, of pure willpower that comes on. I make descisions in an instant, and I know they're right- not because of any external validity, but through the sheer fact of having made them; my desire for them to be perfect MAKES them perfect. That feeling, of reflexive, infallible, instinctive perfection is entirely intoxicating.
There's also the confidence of knowing one's exact place within the universe, and the contentment of knowing that you're there. When I'm in my dominant space there's no doubt, because I know that my place is right where I am, in the here and the now, and that the naked pet cowering at my feet, kissing them with such reverence and devotion is simply what I, as a god among mortals, deserve. She is worshipful, passionate, beautiful, and content in her place, and it is satisfying to know that I deserve such adulation.
The lust transforms me. It's an incredibly intense feeling of desire; knowledge that any carnal indulgence I desire is open to me- possession, control, desire, the drive to take the pleasure and satisfaction that is due to me, and the power and energy that come from this feeling open my body to pleasures that I had never dreamed possible.
It is the purest feeling of being alive, without doubt, without fear, with total and utter belief in myself, and the knowledge that I deserve every perk that comes from embracing the god within me. The tempatation to hubris is, of course, intense. The temptation to abuse my power is always there. I've spoken before about the virtues I think make a good dominant- being able to hold onto those even in these moments is of paramount importance. I know, in my lucid, normal moments that I am not a god. I am not perfect. I am fallible, weak, human. The foundation of the self-respect I keep in those moments where I'm aware of that is that I've been able to keep to those virtues even when I've been drunk on dominance; that even in those moments of pure, unreflective, uncritical desire, I've held onto the things I believed and acted in the best interests of my pet.
Domspace, then. A sensation like no other- a sensation I've only barely scratched the surface of in my description. One that defies more detailed definition by its very nature.
But not one that lasts forever.
It can last a long time. It might fade from the peak, but I can stay in a mild form of it, a low-key euphoria for days afterward. Sometimes, I don't drop, just fade back slowly to normalcy. But a lot of the time, I crash like an angel thrown from paradise.
That's the feeling. I was a god. My senses walked the world in a sharpness, a clarity, unknown to mortals. I have fed on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise. But now I'm not special. I'm ordinary, normal, boring, mortal, and even worse for having once been something more. I'm inert with a lack of energy, tired beyond belief, but usually unable to sleep, restless and without concentration. My body feels heavier than usual, my posture more stooped and downtrodden, my reflexes and movements unbearably sluggish. I'm indecisive, insecure, I doubt everything I do, feel irrational guilt and live in anxious apprehension of imminent calamity.
There are different degrees to it, of course. What I've written above is probably an extreme case, but it's what I felt up until about an hour ago. It's interesting that the degree to which I drop doesn't really bear any relation to how intensely or for how long I went into domspace. But the relationship of the sensations is clear- a feeling of being stripped of everything I felt while in space. Of losing the things that made me special, confident, euphoric. Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics, wrote 'If eudaimonia, or happiness, is action in accordance with excellence, then it stands to reason then this action must be in accordance with the highest excellence within us'. That eudaimonia, that happiness, that action n accordance with the highest excellence within me is what I have- and that happiness is what I lose when I drop.
It can last for anything from about 12 hours to two or three days. There are numerous things that I use to try and pull myself out or mitigate the feeling. Long, hot showers. Physical exertion. Indulgence in favourite foods. Trying to lose myself in some activity, study, reading, gaming, music, family, movies, anything I can get my mind to settle to. But what really works, the only cure that works every time, and what works quickest is...
My rose.
Talking to her, even on the phone, reminding myself that she still loves me, still worships me, still serves me, even when I'm at my weakest and lowest, hearing her voice, her laugh, her love, feeling her arms around me, resting curled up next to her, feeling her hands on my skin, soothing, caring, loving, so warm and sweet and devoted, all these things can bring me back to myself. There's no cure, no remedy, no balm that can exceed the feeling of having one's slave to care for you, of having one's love for her reflected back. No medicine like the devotion of a loving pet. Especially if she gives you a massage and makes you a pavlova. Doms are lucky to have such wonderful creatures to care for us in our moments of crisis.
I'm just luckier than the rest of you.
I hope this has been at least marginally comprehensible. Better yet, I hope it's helped you understand a little of what it's like for us d-types. Comments? Questions? Flaming arrows?
What about the other side of these states? Doms, after all, do need to find themselves in a headspace suitable to play, and can experience a drop of their own after it fades away. But, while it is in general agreed that this 'domspace' and 'domdrop' do exist, there's relatively little discussion and description of it out there. There are many possible reasons for this; perhaps your average dom is less sociable, more self-reliant than most subbies, perhaps the conditions are more ideopathic than their equivalents on the distaff side.
So i'll discuss it in personal terms.
It's not easy, though, to describe what domspace feels like, particularly to people who have never experienced it. How would you go about describing the colour yellow to someone who had never had sight? How would you explain the feeling of listening to Beethoven's Ninth to someone without hearing? Language really doesn't leave me with many ways to describe it
directly, so I'm going to have to resort to abstractions for it- apologies, but you're in for a lot of allusion, similie and metaphor. I'll try to remain as lucid and prosaic as possible, but no promises.
I believe it's John Milton who spoke of 'justifying man's ways to god, and god's to man'. In many ways, that's not far from the feeling of being in my dominant world. It's a feeling like being a divinity within a mortal world, and trying to link the two together. The feeling of power, of connectedness to my pet and to the whole world around us is amazing. I can feel my senses sharpen, my thinking accelerate, like the most savage adrenaline rush, but drawn out, going and going and going with no end in sight. I feel the change in my body, too, my posture changes, my muscles tense, my breathing shifts in rhythm, my skin tingles with a galvanic response. But the most important thing is the surge of confidence, of self-belief, of pure willpower that comes on. I make descisions in an instant, and I know they're right- not because of any external validity, but through the sheer fact of having made them; my desire for them to be perfect MAKES them perfect. That feeling, of reflexive, infallible, instinctive perfection is entirely intoxicating.
There's also the confidence of knowing one's exact place within the universe, and the contentment of knowing that you're there. When I'm in my dominant space there's no doubt, because I know that my place is right where I am, in the here and the now, and that the naked pet cowering at my feet, kissing them with such reverence and devotion is simply what I, as a god among mortals, deserve. She is worshipful, passionate, beautiful, and content in her place, and it is satisfying to know that I deserve such adulation.
The lust transforms me. It's an incredibly intense feeling of desire; knowledge that any carnal indulgence I desire is open to me- possession, control, desire, the drive to take the pleasure and satisfaction that is due to me, and the power and energy that come from this feeling open my body to pleasures that I had never dreamed possible.
It is the purest feeling of being alive, without doubt, without fear, with total and utter belief in myself, and the knowledge that I deserve every perk that comes from embracing the god within me. The tempatation to hubris is, of course, intense. The temptation to abuse my power is always there. I've spoken before about the virtues I think make a good dominant- being able to hold onto those even in these moments is of paramount importance. I know, in my lucid, normal moments that I am not a god. I am not perfect. I am fallible, weak, human. The foundation of the self-respect I keep in those moments where I'm aware of that is that I've been able to keep to those virtues even when I've been drunk on dominance; that even in those moments of pure, unreflective, uncritical desire, I've held onto the things I believed and acted in the best interests of my pet.
Domspace, then. A sensation like no other- a sensation I've only barely scratched the surface of in my description. One that defies more detailed definition by its very nature.
But not one that lasts forever.
It can last a long time. It might fade from the peak, but I can stay in a mild form of it, a low-key euphoria for days afterward. Sometimes, I don't drop, just fade back slowly to normalcy. But a lot of the time, I crash like an angel thrown from paradise.
That's the feeling. I was a god. My senses walked the world in a sharpness, a clarity, unknown to mortals. I have fed on honeydew and drunk the milk of paradise. But now I'm not special. I'm ordinary, normal, boring, mortal, and even worse for having once been something more. I'm inert with a lack of energy, tired beyond belief, but usually unable to sleep, restless and without concentration. My body feels heavier than usual, my posture more stooped and downtrodden, my reflexes and movements unbearably sluggish. I'm indecisive, insecure, I doubt everything I do, feel irrational guilt and live in anxious apprehension of imminent calamity.
There are different degrees to it, of course. What I've written above is probably an extreme case, but it's what I felt up until about an hour ago. It's interesting that the degree to which I drop doesn't really bear any relation to how intensely or for how long I went into domspace. But the relationship of the sensations is clear- a feeling of being stripped of everything I felt while in space. Of losing the things that made me special, confident, euphoric. Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics, wrote 'If eudaimonia, or happiness, is action in accordance with excellence, then it stands to reason then this action must be in accordance with the highest excellence within us'. That eudaimonia, that happiness, that action n accordance with the highest excellence within me is what I have- and that happiness is what I lose when I drop.
It can last for anything from about 12 hours to two or three days. There are numerous things that I use to try and pull myself out or mitigate the feeling. Long, hot showers. Physical exertion. Indulgence in favourite foods. Trying to lose myself in some activity, study, reading, gaming, music, family, movies, anything I can get my mind to settle to. But what really works, the only cure that works every time, and what works quickest is...
My rose.
Talking to her, even on the phone, reminding myself that she still loves me, still worships me, still serves me, even when I'm at my weakest and lowest, hearing her voice, her laugh, her love, feeling her arms around me, resting curled up next to her, feeling her hands on my skin, soothing, caring, loving, so warm and sweet and devoted, all these things can bring me back to myself. There's no cure, no remedy, no balm that can exceed the feeling of having one's slave to care for you, of having one's love for her reflected back. No medicine like the devotion of a loving pet. Especially if she gives you a massage and makes you a pavlova. Doms are lucky to have such wonderful creatures to care for us in our moments of crisis.
I'm just luckier than the rest of you.
I hope this has been at least marginally comprehensible. Better yet, I hope it's helped you understand a little of what it's like for us d-types. Comments? Questions? Flaming arrows?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)