Innocent until proven...

So, I recently received the question on formspring 'what is something you've had to overcome in your BDSM life?" It was an intersting question, but unfortunately formspring ate my response. I'm going to try reconstructing it here.

When I was in the early stages of my relationship with rose, I had a lot of problems with guilt. This would be especially prevalent after scenes, often showing up as part of my drop. I would blame myself for everything that was less than perfect in the scene, in the relationship, in the world around me. I would be certain that there was no way in which rose could be happy with me, that because of my failings and the things I had done it was only a matter of time until I'd lose her- and even worse, that I'd deserve it. Basically, my train of thought was "You say you love this girl? How could you hurt/degrade/take advantage of her like that? What kind of person are you?" I've had problems in my life based around guilt and blaming myself for things beyond my control, of always looking for how I could attribute anything bad happening to my own failings for a long time, it's just that it seemed to particularly attach itself to the kink in my life.

And it sucked.

It came to a head late one night. We had been involved in what was (up until that point) the most intense scene in our three or four month old relationship. It had been very different to the scenes we had done so far- while normally our play is very mutual- with no real flavour of coercion or force involved, but of a slave willingly and gladly giving herself for her Master's enjoyment- this was very different. Much more conflict driven, more like forcing her to submit against her will, and her resisting me. While I did feel a sense of unease about this at the time, I pushed it down and saw the scene through to its conclusion, losing myself in the moment. It went far beyond what we'd done before, and really pushed both of us to our limits, despite being completely impromptu.

We were lying in bed together, afterward, when it hit me. Guilt, overwhelming. Guilt for having forced her to do something against her will (it wasn't). Guilt at having hurt her (I hadn't, beyond a few scratches and bruises). Guilt for having enjoyed doing something so abusive and vicious to her. Certainty that after this she would hate me, that she would leave, that she would never trust me again. Absolute terror that I would lose her. I broke down. I started crying uncontrollably. Begging and pleading for her to forgive me.

Rose was magnificent in that moment. Even though she was scared and worried for me, she took me in her arms and talked me down. Made me understand that she was fine, that I hadn't hurt her, that she had enjoyed what we had done, that there was no risk of me losing her. She slowly brought me back to a more lucid state, and from there the conversation started. She drew out of me eactly how I was feeling, got me to open up about events and feelings that I had never shared with another person, we talked about all the fears and anxieties and the guilt that was going through me. And she made it better. It was one of the moments that really convinced me that my rose was the girl -the slave, the pet, the lover, the partner- that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That she was the one for me. While it was a tough moment, it was -as so many of the toughest moments in relationships are- the one that was the key to making something that would last.

It hasn't been easy, or a perfect process. But I understand now that I don't need to fear letting go like that, or feel guilty about enjoying it. That play with rose is pleasure and joy for both of us. That even when I'm in the grip of the most powerful and sadistic throes of dom-space, that I can be trusted, that it can be a positive thing. I've had to do a lot of work with rose's help, and I'm not all the way there. I do still blame myself for things, and I haven't been able to change my thought processes to the degree I'd like as yet. But I'm making progress, and I've managed to all but eliminate it in our play and relationship. I couldn't have done it without rose, but with her...it's working.

The way we've grown together, grown FOR each other, is one of the most magical and satisfying things about our relationship, and I wouldn't trade any of the experiences that have lead us here, no matter how painful they were at the time.

Baby, you can drive my car...

So, those of you reading rose's blog closely might remember that I'm presently engaged in the process of teaching her to drive. This has been an interesting experience, but in general it's been very fun watching her develop in both skill and confidence as a driver, just like it's been wonderful watching her grow into the wonderful slave that she is.

So last night, we're taking a spin into the city, which we've started doing recently. Things are going very well, which for Melbourne on a saturday night is pretty rare, until we hit clarendon street. On the bridge coming up to crown casino, a hotted up black sports ute, adorned with racist stickers pulls up behind us. For the next ten minutes, it's tailgating us, and despite the almost gridlock traffic, constantly and aggressively honking its horn for no discernable reason.

Obviously, for an inexperienced driver (or even a lot of experienced ones) this is a pretty upsetting experience. I'd like to add that Rose was driving faultlessly in heavy traffic, much better than most of the people around her. This seems to have been an attack that's come purely out of spite.]

But I've never been prouder of the way my slave handled the situation. She didn't freak out. She didn't stop or try to escape or become reckless. She was scared and upset, but she stayed in control of herself and the car until she was able to find a safe spot and pull over. Then, after a few minutes and some cuddles to calm her nerve, she drove us safely and skillfully back home. She faced the problem calmly and cleverly, looked for help when she needed it, and overcame it. Words can't really express how proud I am of my brave little slavedoll.

I think there's something in this for all of us, Dom or sub. Problems will always come, whether you cause them or not. Stay calm and hang tough until you've navigated your way out of them. Never be afraid to lean on those who you trust, and who care for you, because they'll always be there when you need them. Then, when you're ready, get back on the horse and take control of the situation again. It's a good way to go about things.

(P.S. Dear other driver,
Please die in a fire. Failing this, please seek professional help for whatever trauma it is that has turned you into a hateful dickhead. If nothing else, look into penis-enhancing proceedures to try and make your self-loathing a little easier to contain.
Yours,
WyldWyl.