Innocent until proven...

So, I recently received the question on formspring 'what is something you've had to overcome in your BDSM life?" It was an intersting question, but unfortunately formspring ate my response. I'm going to try reconstructing it here.

When I was in the early stages of my relationship with rose, I had a lot of problems with guilt. This would be especially prevalent after scenes, often showing up as part of my drop. I would blame myself for everything that was less than perfect in the scene, in the relationship, in the world around me. I would be certain that there was no way in which rose could be happy with me, that because of my failings and the things I had done it was only a matter of time until I'd lose her- and even worse, that I'd deserve it. Basically, my train of thought was "You say you love this girl? How could you hurt/degrade/take advantage of her like that? What kind of person are you?" I've had problems in my life based around guilt and blaming myself for things beyond my control, of always looking for how I could attribute anything bad happening to my own failings for a long time, it's just that it seemed to particularly attach itself to the kink in my life.

And it sucked.

It came to a head late one night. We had been involved in what was (up until that point) the most intense scene in our three or four month old relationship. It had been very different to the scenes we had done so far- while normally our play is very mutual- with no real flavour of coercion or force involved, but of a slave willingly and gladly giving herself for her Master's enjoyment- this was very different. Much more conflict driven, more like forcing her to submit against her will, and her resisting me. While I did feel a sense of unease about this at the time, I pushed it down and saw the scene through to its conclusion, losing myself in the moment. It went far beyond what we'd done before, and really pushed both of us to our limits, despite being completely impromptu.

We were lying in bed together, afterward, when it hit me. Guilt, overwhelming. Guilt for having forced her to do something against her will (it wasn't). Guilt at having hurt her (I hadn't, beyond a few scratches and bruises). Guilt for having enjoyed doing something so abusive and vicious to her. Certainty that after this she would hate me, that she would leave, that she would never trust me again. Absolute terror that I would lose her. I broke down. I started crying uncontrollably. Begging and pleading for her to forgive me.

Rose was magnificent in that moment. Even though she was scared and worried for me, she took me in her arms and talked me down. Made me understand that she was fine, that I hadn't hurt her, that she had enjoyed what we had done, that there was no risk of me losing her. She slowly brought me back to a more lucid state, and from there the conversation started. She drew out of me eactly how I was feeling, got me to open up about events and feelings that I had never shared with another person, we talked about all the fears and anxieties and the guilt that was going through me. And she made it better. It was one of the moments that really convinced me that my rose was the girl -the slave, the pet, the lover, the partner- that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That she was the one for me. While it was a tough moment, it was -as so many of the toughest moments in relationships are- the one that was the key to making something that would last.

It hasn't been easy, or a perfect process. But I understand now that I don't need to fear letting go like that, or feel guilty about enjoying it. That play with rose is pleasure and joy for both of us. That even when I'm in the grip of the most powerful and sadistic throes of dom-space, that I can be trusted, that it can be a positive thing. I've had to do a lot of work with rose's help, and I'm not all the way there. I do still blame myself for things, and I haven't been able to change my thought processes to the degree I'd like as yet. But I'm making progress, and I've managed to all but eliminate it in our play and relationship. I couldn't have done it without rose, but with her...it's working.

The way we've grown together, grown FOR each other, is one of the most magical and satisfying things about our relationship, and I wouldn't trade any of the experiences that have lead us here, no matter how painful they were at the time.

Endings and beginnings

It's probably not a secret that things between rose and I haven't been at their best the last couple of months. They hit their lowest ebb a week or so ago, when rose came to the conclusion that the M/s part of our relationship was over, and that the dynamic between us could not be re-built. This lead to what for both of us was probably the worst week of our lives.

I'm pleased to be able to say that we're back. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of talking. A lot of listening. A lot of thinking. A lot of honesty, and openness, and none of these things are easy when things are hard in a relationship, even with a person you love and trust. It wasn't easy, but we're back both as a couple and as Master and slave.

I don't intend to go into detail about what happened, as that's something I feel should stay between us. I just want to look for a little while at the lessons I've learned, and what I plan to do to be a better partner and Master to my rose in the future.

1. Taking things for granted will always cause problems. Happiness and contentment in submission can at times be fragile, and should always be cherished and maintained. Thinking that they are always going to be there without care and nurturing, and putting a relationship (kinky or vanilla) is just asking for trouble. Something I thought I knew, but obviously didn't understand the importance of it.

2. Communication is the key. It needs to flow both ways. A relationship can't function happily if no one expresses the truth of what they're thinking and feeling, no matter if it causes pain in the short term. This whole painful two months could have been avoided if we'd been fully open and honest about our feelings with each other. So I'm committing myself to share these things with my rose, even if it hurts in the short term, it's better for the relationship.

3. Blame is fruitless. The biggest thing that stood in the way of fixing a lot of the problems we've had recently is my tendancy to automatically blame myself for any issues or failures that arise, to the detriment of actually working on a solution. This habit demolished my confidence and sense of self-worth to the point where I could be neither a good partner nor a good master to rose, and is something I really need to work on if I am to develop both as a kinkster and a person.

4. Insecurity is the enemy. Rose trusts me, loves me, is loyal and devoted to me. I need to trust her more and not worry so much that every little problem that emerges is the end of the world.

5. Probably the best thing to come out of this is that I do now feel that I deserve rose as a slave, that in some sense I've 'earned' her. One of the things that's nagged at me from time to time, and it's related to what I wrote above, is that I don't really deserve her. That I'm not a proper Master, just a top pretending, and that one day she'll see through me, see all the pain I've caused her, and no longer wish to stay with me. I no longer feel that way. I feel after what we've been through together, and how I was ultimately able to respond, I've proved to myself that I am the Master she needs, and can make her happy and contented as a person and a slave.

Things are changing in our relationship. The fabric of our M/s dynamic is changing, because it needs to. Changing to better reflect her needs and my desires. To better fit our lives. Change can be scary, but these changes are necessary, and they seem to be working well so far. It hasn't been easy getting to this point, but we're stronger for it and I know that we're both re-committed to this relationship, as lovers, as partners, and as Master and slave.

I'd just like to say a quick thank you to all the people who have shown us such support and love over a time that's been difficult for both of us, to friends both kinky and vanilla, in public or in private, thank you.

But most of all, I'd like to thank you, pet. For your patience. For your courage. For your willingness to keep going when you had every right and opportunity to walk away. For the love and affection, for the devotion and respect, for the honesty and passion you bring into my life, every single day. My pet. My slave. My love. My rose. Thank you.