So. Somewhere, out there, I seem to have left my inner dom behind.
I'm serious. I look inside, I can't find it. All my confidence, all my motivation, all my drive, all my...everything is gone, and I'm not sure how to bring it back.
I really don't know quite how it happened. My feelings toward rose and toward BDSM haven't changed, I still love them both and want them both in my life. It's just that I don't seem to be able to get back on the horse and return things to how they/I/we were before we went away. But I need to, because I know that we both need it, and I can see every day the strain this is putting on rose personally, and our relationship. Not to mention what it's doing to my own emotions and mindset.
I try to get in the right headspace, but it feels like putting on a coat that's way too big for me- I just feel wrong. Right now I'm timid. Indecisive. Can't seem to assert myself or my will on any situation, hardly the qualities one looks for in a dom. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
I think the main problem is that my condifence is shot. A few meltdowns and a few wonky scenes have really dented it, and to be honest my sense of self-worth has never been the most secure in the world. So right now, I'm very unsure of myself, which makes it very hard to find that dominant state of mind.
Rose, I still love you- and I still want you as my pet, my slave, my love and my rose. I still want this to work, and I know you'll be patient with me as I try and get myself back on track. I'm so sorry for the pain I know I'm putting you through.
And the good news is, I have the beginnings of a plan. It occurred to me late last night, that a relationship is a lot like a building in that it needs a solid foundation. Without that, you can't have confidence that it won't all fall apart under pressure. So we...well, I, need to go back to the beginnings. I'm going to look, over the next couple of days, at the most basic parts of our relationship, go back into our history and look at it. Take inspiration. And start again at the basics- but make myself a part of them, too.
When rose had problems with issues of confidence and self-worth in the earlier stages of our relationship, I knew what to do- but I took my own dominance and that part of our dynamic for granted. Now I need to find ways to work on it myself, so I think I need to create similar exercises and affirmations, rituals if you will, to help rebuild my own sense of place in our relationship.
The foundations of a strong relationship, are a sense of self-worth and the ability to trust in the other person. I've let both fall into disrepair, but at least I've got an idea to start rebuilding them.
Advice and comments are welcome, and I'll let you know how I get on.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Baby, you can drive my car...
So, those of you reading rose's blog closely might remember that I'm presently engaged in the process of teaching her to drive. This has been an interesting experience, but in general it's been very fun watching her develop in both skill and confidence as a driver, just like it's been wonderful watching her grow into the wonderful slave that she is.
So last night, we're taking a spin into the city, which we've started doing recently. Things are going very well, which for Melbourne on a saturday night is pretty rare, until we hit clarendon street. On the bridge coming up to crown casino, a hotted up black sports ute, adorned with racist stickers pulls up behind us. For the next ten minutes, it's tailgating us, and despite the almost gridlock traffic, constantly and aggressively honking its horn for no discernable reason.
Obviously, for an inexperienced driver (or even a lot of experienced ones) this is a pretty upsetting experience. I'd like to add that Rose was driving faultlessly in heavy traffic, much better than most of the people around her. This seems to have been an attack that's come purely out of spite.]
But I've never been prouder of the way my slave handled the situation. She didn't freak out. She didn't stop or try to escape or become reckless. She was scared and upset, but she stayed in control of herself and the car until she was able to find a safe spot and pull over. Then, after a few minutes and some cuddles to calm her nerve, she drove us safely and skillfully back home. She faced the problem calmly and cleverly, looked for help when she needed it, and overcame it. Words can't really express how proud I am of my brave little slavedoll.
I think there's something in this for all of us, Dom or sub. Problems will always come, whether you cause them or not. Stay calm and hang tough until you've navigated your way out of them. Never be afraid to lean on those who you trust, and who care for you, because they'll always be there when you need them. Then, when you're ready, get back on the horse and take control of the situation again. It's a good way to go about things.
(P.S. Dear other driver,
Please die in a fire. Failing this, please seek professional help for whatever trauma it is that has turned you into a hateful dickhead. If nothing else, look into penis-enhancing proceedures to try and make your self-loathing a little easier to contain.
Yours,
WyldWyl.
So last night, we're taking a spin into the city, which we've started doing recently. Things are going very well, which for Melbourne on a saturday night is pretty rare, until we hit clarendon street. On the bridge coming up to crown casino, a hotted up black sports ute, adorned with racist stickers pulls up behind us. For the next ten minutes, it's tailgating us, and despite the almost gridlock traffic, constantly and aggressively honking its horn for no discernable reason.
Obviously, for an inexperienced driver (or even a lot of experienced ones) this is a pretty upsetting experience. I'd like to add that Rose was driving faultlessly in heavy traffic, much better than most of the people around her. This seems to have been an attack that's come purely out of spite.]
But I've never been prouder of the way my slave handled the situation. She didn't freak out. She didn't stop or try to escape or become reckless. She was scared and upset, but she stayed in control of herself and the car until she was able to find a safe spot and pull over. Then, after a few minutes and some cuddles to calm her nerve, she drove us safely and skillfully back home. She faced the problem calmly and cleverly, looked for help when she needed it, and overcame it. Words can't really express how proud I am of my brave little slavedoll.
I think there's something in this for all of us, Dom or sub. Problems will always come, whether you cause them or not. Stay calm and hang tough until you've navigated your way out of them. Never be afraid to lean on those who you trust, and who care for you, because they'll always be there when you need them. Then, when you're ready, get back on the horse and take control of the situation again. It's a good way to go about things.
(P.S. Dear other driver,
Please die in a fire. Failing this, please seek professional help for whatever trauma it is that has turned you into a hateful dickhead. If nothing else, look into penis-enhancing proceedures to try and make your self-loathing a little easier to contain.
Yours,
WyldWyl.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Is there anything that you enjoy, that you would have never thought you would like prior to starting your journey into kink?
Honestly, though I wanted to try it, I never thought I'd enjoy being a master as much as I do. While I knew that I loved topping, I honestly thought that I'd never really be any good at, let alone happy in a 24/7 relationship. Now I can't imagine life without it. I have a wonderful slave, who makes it incredibly fulfilling
But, now I re-read the question, it actually asks about what I thought before I got into kink. Hmm. I never thought I'd enjoy some of the harder pain play I enjoy now, the caning, strapping, tawsing. The humiliation play as well, particularly the name calling. They're all things I've had to get over some issues with from pre-kink guilt, but that I now love.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hello Wyl Sir. How do you know how far to push a submissive's limits? Are there any limits you do not push? Thankyou
This is a tricky one. Knowing a subs limits is difficult at first, it really comes from knowing them for a long time, starting slow and building up trust and intensity over time. The first thing should be to ask them, very early on, what they think their limits are. Get them to write you a list, broken down into things they know they like, things they know they don't like, things they're willing to try, and things they never want to do. This'll give you a good starting point.
After the first few scenes, and once the relationship has built up and some mutual trust been established, have them re-evaluate their list, see where things have changed and if they're now willing to do/try more things. You'll usually find that as the sub gets more comfortable with you and gets to know you better, they'll start to be more comfortable with whatever activites you have an urge for.
In scene, never be afraid to ask your sub where they are. I find the traffic lights system to be really useful (green= I'm fine, and happy to go harder. Yellow= I'm fine, but please no harder/faster/more intense yet. Red= I need to stop right now), because it lets the sub give a good idea of their present state without giving them a feeling of being unduly in control.
As long as the sub was comfortable with it, and I had the necessary skills, there aren't really limits I wouldn't push. It does pay to be careful, though- while rose, for example, has very few limits now, she had several when we started, and I was always careful not to push them until she was absolutely ready. There are several I wouldn't rush to pushing with a new sub, and there are some areas of play that don't interest me which I'd be unlikely to explore.
The final component is to remember it's ok for doms to set limits of their own. If you don't feel completely comfortable with an activity and completely confident with your skills, then you shouldn't do it, and don't let yourself feel pressured into feeling you have to do it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
What's your favourite thing about being a Master?
Not to be flippant, pet, but you are. Seeing you happy, watching you grow, nurturing you, just being around you is the most fulfilling thing in my life, both as a man and as a Master.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sex, play and being a grown-up
It's not really any secret that we of kinky persuasions are a frequent figure of fun. Whether it's a gentle spoofing or more serious and damaging representations, tv, movies, books and music all have their moments where they use kinky people or activities for humour. Some of us get ourselves twisted into knots about it, and sometimes that's justified. There are some representations of us that are misleading, dangerous or downright nasty.
Still, for a lot of them, I can see where they're coming from. Let's face it, my kinky compadres, that to most outsiders, a lot of what we do would seem silly or even ridiculous. I remember, once when I was new to the kink world, there was an article in my university's student newspaper that featured the phrase "S&M is a barbaric and philistine practice, socially retarded people 'torturing' each other with pretend whips". I was so angry about that article that nearly three years later I still recall it word-for-word. I even wrote a furious letter to the editor (those of you who are regular readers will know what my letters to the editor can be like), although it never got published. Now, with a more mature and reasonable outlook, I recognise that statement as being what it is, misinformed, misleading, irritating, but hardly something to get worked up over. I had commited what I think is the key mistake we make as a community; I took myself and my kinks too seriously.
I want you to think about it. Next time you're at a play party, watching someone scene. Next time you're watching a decent quality kink video. Next time you're reading a kinky book, put down your experienced, insider eyes and look at it from the outside. On the surface, without an understanding of what's really going on, it'll probably look just a little silly to you. It's important to clarify here, just in case anyone has the wrong end of the stick, that I'm not saying BDSM IS silly. Just that to an observer who doesn't understand what is going on, we can appear that way.
Even as an experienced, practicing kinkster, there's probably a fetish or activity that makes you giggle. For me it's pony play; I respect that other people respond to it, but to me it just is adorable and slightly humorous. It brings out the laughter in me, just as surely as caning brings out the hard-on.
There's a reason for it.
As a society, we have some weird notions. Sex is dirty and shameful. Punishing drug users is the right way to stop drugs damaging our society. Kanye West is a talented artist, that sort of thing. One of the weirdest though, is this idea that play and fantasy are not things that are suitable for adults; that these things are undignified pursuits that should be left for children. Accordingly, as sex is not something for children, it must be a serious and dignified business to be approached with the same seriousness as death and taxes. This is why we look silly to the outsider; because we understand that sex, espeically the way we like to do it, is just playtime for grown-ups. (As an aside, I think this is why geeky people like myself are disproportionately attracted to kink; as what is called a geek is often just a grownup who has held onto the value of fantasy and play)
A good case study in this is ageplay, something my pet and I enjoy from time to time. Just like the fantasy and role-playing of children expresses their imagination and also their own needs and desires, and make their first steps at understanding the grown up world through imitation (go on and examine your own childhood games if you don't believe me. It's ok. I'll wait.), so sexual roleplay enables us to get to grips with different parts of our sexuality and fulfil different needs. Looked at with your serious face on, two grown-ups playing Daddy and daughter, the one acting out a masculine stereotype, the other colouring and playing with dolls, looks very strange. Perhaps even strange enough to make the observer uncomfortable, and we all know that discomfort is the basis of a lot of humour. Similarly, the way we play dress-up in our leathers, our latex, even
our titles and interactions, to an outside observer may seem uncomfortably childish. The sexualisation of what we're doing, on top of that, may be doubly disquieting.
Roleplay. Ageplay. Sensation Play. Electrical Play. Wax play. Ponyplay. It's right there in the names we give our kinks and our turn ons. Play. When I'm outside of my domspace, do I feel like I'm an infallible, unstoppable, virile sexual god, worthy only of worship and the adulation of my slave? No. Frankly, some of the things I've done and said when I'm being Master Wyl make me cringe a little when I'm being grown-up, well adjusted William. But that doesn't make what we do in play any less special or meaningful.
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is don't be afraid of that side of things. Even if you're completely vanilla, sex is a whole lot more fun if you don't take it or yourself too seriously. So have some play, people, and make it fun for yourselves- life and sex are both a lot more enjoyable if you know how to laugh at yourselves.
Still, for a lot of them, I can see where they're coming from. Let's face it, my kinky compadres, that to most outsiders, a lot of what we do would seem silly or even ridiculous. I remember, once when I was new to the kink world, there was an article in my university's student newspaper that featured the phrase "S&M is a barbaric and philistine practice, socially retarded people 'torturing' each other with pretend whips". I was so angry about that article that nearly three years later I still recall it word-for-word. I even wrote a furious letter to the editor (those of you who are regular readers will know what my letters to the editor can be like), although it never got published. Now, with a more mature and reasonable outlook, I recognise that statement as being what it is, misinformed, misleading, irritating, but hardly something to get worked up over. I had commited what I think is the key mistake we make as a community; I took myself and my kinks too seriously.
I want you to think about it. Next time you're at a play party, watching someone scene. Next time you're watching a decent quality kink video. Next time you're reading a kinky book, put down your experienced, insider eyes and look at it from the outside. On the surface, without an understanding of what's really going on, it'll probably look just a little silly to you. It's important to clarify here, just in case anyone has the wrong end of the stick, that I'm not saying BDSM IS silly. Just that to an observer who doesn't understand what is going on, we can appear that way.
Even as an experienced, practicing kinkster, there's probably a fetish or activity that makes you giggle. For me it's pony play; I respect that other people respond to it, but to me it just is adorable and slightly humorous. It brings out the laughter in me, just as surely as caning brings out the hard-on.
There's a reason for it.
As a society, we have some weird notions. Sex is dirty and shameful. Punishing drug users is the right way to stop drugs damaging our society. Kanye West is a talented artist, that sort of thing. One of the weirdest though, is this idea that play and fantasy are not things that are suitable for adults; that these things are undignified pursuits that should be left for children. Accordingly, as sex is not something for children, it must be a serious and dignified business to be approached with the same seriousness as death and taxes. This is why we look silly to the outsider; because we understand that sex, espeically the way we like to do it, is just playtime for grown-ups. (As an aside, I think this is why geeky people like myself are disproportionately attracted to kink; as what is called a geek is often just a grownup who has held onto the value of fantasy and play)
A good case study in this is ageplay, something my pet and I enjoy from time to time. Just like the fantasy and role-playing of children expresses their imagination and also their own needs and desires, and make their first steps at understanding the grown up world through imitation (go on and examine your own childhood games if you don't believe me. It's ok. I'll wait.), so sexual roleplay enables us to get to grips with different parts of our sexuality and fulfil different needs. Looked at with your serious face on, two grown-ups playing Daddy and daughter, the one acting out a masculine stereotype, the other colouring and playing with dolls, looks very strange. Perhaps even strange enough to make the observer uncomfortable, and we all know that discomfort is the basis of a lot of humour. Similarly, the way we play dress-up in our leathers, our latex, even
our titles and interactions, to an outside observer may seem uncomfortably childish. The sexualisation of what we're doing, on top of that, may be doubly disquieting.
Roleplay. Ageplay. Sensation Play. Electrical Play. Wax play. Ponyplay. It's right there in the names we give our kinks and our turn ons. Play. When I'm outside of my domspace, do I feel like I'm an infallible, unstoppable, virile sexual god, worthy only of worship and the adulation of my slave? No. Frankly, some of the things I've done and said when I'm being Master Wyl make me cringe a little when I'm being grown-up, well adjusted William. But that doesn't make what we do in play any less special or meaningful.
I guess what I'm trying to get at here is don't be afraid of that side of things. Even if you're completely vanilla, sex is a whole lot more fun if you don't take it or yourself too seriously. So have some play, people, and make it fun for yourselves- life and sex are both a lot more enjoyable if you know how to laugh at yourselves.
Friday, June 25, 2010
archaeological findings
I found this going through my long-since abandoned livejournal- I thought it might raise a few giggles.
"Just a random thought that occurred to me.
Wouldn't it be great if all the dialogue in porn movies was done in very proper, formal English, complete with upper-class British accents and mannerisms to top it off?
"Oh dear, I should so love it were you to ejaculate on my face at this point, my dear"
"By our lady! Penetrate my anus with greater gusto, virile copulatory companion!"
"I say, do you enjoy being treated in such a manner, harlot? I can see your excitement visibly increase each time my hand roughly strikes your posterior."
"Oh my, I note that your phallus has become increasingly engorged, and the girth of said implement appears to be both titillating and somewhat intimidating to me."
"Just a random thought that occurred to me.
Wouldn't it be great if all the dialogue in porn movies was done in very proper, formal English, complete with upper-class British accents and mannerisms to top it off?
"Oh dear, I should so love it were you to ejaculate on my face at this point, my dear"
"By our lady! Penetrate my anus with greater gusto, virile copulatory companion!"
"I say, do you enjoy being treated in such a manner, harlot? I can see your excitement visibly increase each time my hand roughly strikes your posterior."
"Oh my, I note that your phallus has become increasingly engorged, and the girth of said implement appears to be both titillating and somewhat intimidating to me."
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