So, I've been involved in a couple of discussions recently about what constitutes sex and what doesn't, and how the question of virginity plays into that notion. I thought that for want of anything better to do, I'd set out some of my thoughts about it for anyone interested.
I've always found the definition of sex as simple intercourse to be problematic, both in general terms and in terms of my own personal narrative. The main problem which I have with this definition of sex is that it devalues other forms of sexual activity and expression- essentially making penetration a litmus test for a lot of very complicated and emotionally charged ideas, ranging from intimacy, to maturity, to masculinity and many others. While physically, oral sex =\= intercourse, the idea that a blowjob can't have as much significance or pleasure attached to it, can't be as intimate and meaningful an act (1)is, at least to me, ridiculous.
It also doesn't take into account the differing sexual narratives experienced by LGBT people. If penetration is the definition of sex, does that mean a lesbian is a virgin until she experiences strap-on play? Or does that not count either, and she remains a virgin until she's been with a man? Or is the bar set lower, and does getting fingered count? And for gay men, are you a virgin until you've had anal sex, or does oral count? For people who are transgender/sexual, the line becomes even more blurred. Even in heterosexual sex, does it count if you use a condom? What if you don't, but don't cum inside your partner? What if it only lasts 10 seconds? Does it not count if it's anal sex?
Honestly, I think as a society, we're strangely hung up on the notion of virginity. According to the traditional definiton, I lost mine very late for someone of my generation, at 21. But if you go by the date of my earliest sexual encounter with another person, then I was ahead of the curve at 13. I actually don't count either of those experiences as when I lost my own virginity, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I'm bisexual. While my rose was the first woman I experienced intercourse with, and while I consider that to be a very good thing, I don't necessarily consider it the moment at which I lost my virginity. (2) To me, that moment wss the first time I experienced the moment when I opened myself up, made myself vulnerable physically and emotionally to someone I cared for - where I came to that nexus of physical and emotional pleasure that makes sex such an incredible experience. But that's not the whole of it, either. I think that every time you experience a new act, or even a new person, there's an element of loss of virginity there that's just as special as that first time. I remember my first time scening with rose, even though it might not have been my first sexual or even my first kinky encounter, with just as much fondness, pleasure and significance as I do my first blowjob, or my first kiss, or any of the other firsts of my life. Virginity doesn't have to be gone all in one go, and I think it's a shame people seem to want it to be.
I don't know if I've made any real conclusions here, or even laid out anything particularly revolutionary, but I hope it's at least made you stop and think for a minute- even if it's just to remember those special moments, and special people and have a quiet smile.
Ask questions, raise ideas, share memories in the comments!
1: As a sidebar conversation, it might be worth setting out what I mean when I say intimate and meaningful. I don't really believe in casual sex, at least as a phrase. While I'm not advocating 'wait until marriage' or 'never have sex outside relationships', I don't believe that any sexual act is truly casual. Always in a sexual encounter there's some degree of opening, of shared vulnerability which, even if it lasts only for a few moments and is never repeated, is not something I would describe as casual.
2: Incidentally, what's with that phrase? It just seems to bring with it such a negative connotation, as though it's a moment that should be regretted, and a loss that should be mourned. Why not 'gained my sexuality' or something nicer?
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Continuing continuances...
I felt it was about time for me to write something. I know I haven't in a while.
Things were very tough for R and I over the summer months. But for the last month or two, things have really come good. It serves as a lesson to me on several things, that I'd like to jot down in case they interest you.
1. That I have an amazing slave and partner in my rose. Without her patience, her trust, her love and her loyalty, we'd never have gotten to this point.
2. Dominance, like submission, is something that requires you to work at it. Sometimes there seems to be a perception that Doms just kind of...are. While subs have to work constantly to remain in the right mindset and feel in their place, a lot of the time this process for Dominants is glossed over, dismissed or just ignored. It's not the case. One of the most important things in getting back to where we wanted to be was for me to find myself as a Master again. But now, with daily work at it (good, I think, for both of us) and getting in touch with that part of myself every day I find it much easier to get into and stay in my dominant place.
3. Relationships take work. I'm guilty of falling into the same trap a lot of people, kinky or vanilla, fall into: of assuming that things will just work out on their own. Communication, effort, understanding, desire to improve things that aren't working, compassion and empathy with your partner- slave or otherwise- are all critical things.
4. That being said, one of the things that's been most important for me to learn is that I *AM* a good partner, and I *AM* a good Master. That one failing isn't the end of world, and that blaming myself and dwelling on the past is not the same as taking responsibility in a positive way for my mistakes. Being a good Master and being a good lover and partner are not mutually exclusive things, and I am capable of being both.
5. Patience is just about the most imporant virtue for anyone to possess; in my case I particularly need to develop patience with myself.
6. Keeping things fresh is important. I think the daily tasks (and a focus on doing more direct and less abstract D/s activities in general) have really helped with this, for me at least. Every day I get another opportunity to try new things and they may not always work- but it stretches my imagination and pet's boundaries, and that's a good thing.
7. Abstraction doesn't really work. This is related to what I mentioned above. One of the main problems we've experienced has stemmed from the fact that before they structure of our life was very different when we were together compared to when we were apart. Previously, rose was directed to do a lot of tasks that were very abstract- meditiations, mantras, etc- that were almost never a part of our time together, and while they were enjoyable, didn't really fit with the style of D/s that has evolved between us in the realy world. Now we're focusing on things that are more like our own style; more playful, less formal than most, and are thus more directly pleasing and satisfying to both of us.
In particular, expanding my resolution to "Do at least one thing every day that helps rose engage with her submission and me with my dominance" into daily tasking activities has really been good for me (and I think for her as well). It's helped us both to cope with things outside the relationship that have been hard, as well as improving our relationship to each other.
8. Rose really is wonderful as both a partner and as my slave. Did I say that already? Oh well.
Things were very tough for R and I over the summer months. But for the last month or two, things have really come good. It serves as a lesson to me on several things, that I'd like to jot down in case they interest you.
1. That I have an amazing slave and partner in my rose. Without her patience, her trust, her love and her loyalty, we'd never have gotten to this point.
2. Dominance, like submission, is something that requires you to work at it. Sometimes there seems to be a perception that Doms just kind of...are. While subs have to work constantly to remain in the right mindset and feel in their place, a lot of the time this process for Dominants is glossed over, dismissed or just ignored. It's not the case. One of the most important things in getting back to where we wanted to be was for me to find myself as a Master again. But now, with daily work at it (good, I think, for both of us) and getting in touch with that part of myself every day I find it much easier to get into and stay in my dominant place.
3. Relationships take work. I'm guilty of falling into the same trap a lot of people, kinky or vanilla, fall into: of assuming that things will just work out on their own. Communication, effort, understanding, desire to improve things that aren't working, compassion and empathy with your partner- slave or otherwise- are all critical things.
4. That being said, one of the things that's been most important for me to learn is that I *AM* a good partner, and I *AM* a good Master. That one failing isn't the end of world, and that blaming myself and dwelling on the past is not the same as taking responsibility in a positive way for my mistakes. Being a good Master and being a good lover and partner are not mutually exclusive things, and I am capable of being both.
5. Patience is just about the most imporant virtue for anyone to possess; in my case I particularly need to develop patience with myself.
6. Keeping things fresh is important. I think the daily tasks (and a focus on doing more direct and less abstract D/s activities in general) have really helped with this, for me at least. Every day I get another opportunity to try new things and they may not always work- but it stretches my imagination and pet's boundaries, and that's a good thing.
7. Abstraction doesn't really work. This is related to what I mentioned above. One of the main problems we've experienced has stemmed from the fact that before they structure of our life was very different when we were together compared to when we were apart. Previously, rose was directed to do a lot of tasks that were very abstract- meditiations, mantras, etc- that were almost never a part of our time together, and while they were enjoyable, didn't really fit with the style of D/s that has evolved between us in the realy world. Now we're focusing on things that are more like our own style; more playful, less formal than most, and are thus more directly pleasing and satisfying to both of us.
In particular, expanding my resolution to "Do at least one thing every day that helps rose engage with her submission and me with my dominance" into daily tasking activities has really been good for me (and I think for her as well). It's helped us both to cope with things outside the relationship that have been hard, as well as improving our relationship to each other.
8. Rose really is wonderful as both a partner and as my slave. Did I say that already? Oh well.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Endings and beginnings
It's probably not a secret that things between rose and I haven't been at their best the last couple of months. They hit their lowest ebb a week or so ago, when rose came to the conclusion that the M/s part of our relationship was over, and that the dynamic between us could not be re-built. This lead to what for both of us was probably the worst week of our lives.
I'm pleased to be able to say that we're back. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of talking. A lot of listening. A lot of thinking. A lot of honesty, and openness, and none of these things are easy when things are hard in a relationship, even with a person you love and trust. It wasn't easy, but we're back both as a couple and as Master and slave.
I don't intend to go into detail about what happened, as that's something I feel should stay between us. I just want to look for a little while at the lessons I've learned, and what I plan to do to be a better partner and Master to my rose in the future.
1. Taking things for granted will always cause problems. Happiness and contentment in submission can at times be fragile, and should always be cherished and maintained. Thinking that they are always going to be there without care and nurturing, and putting a relationship (kinky or vanilla) is just asking for trouble. Something I thought I knew, but obviously didn't understand the importance of it.
2. Communication is the key. It needs to flow both ways. A relationship can't function happily if no one expresses the truth of what they're thinking and feeling, no matter if it causes pain in the short term. This whole painful two months could have been avoided if we'd been fully open and honest about our feelings with each other. So I'm committing myself to share these things with my rose, even if it hurts in the short term, it's better for the relationship.
3. Blame is fruitless. The biggest thing that stood in the way of fixing a lot of the problems we've had recently is my tendancy to automatically blame myself for any issues or failures that arise, to the detriment of actually working on a solution. This habit demolished my confidence and sense of self-worth to the point where I could be neither a good partner nor a good master to rose, and is something I really need to work on if I am to develop both as a kinkster and a person.
4. Insecurity is the enemy. Rose trusts me, loves me, is loyal and devoted to me. I need to trust her more and not worry so much that every little problem that emerges is the end of the world.
5. Probably the best thing to come out of this is that I do now feel that I deserve rose as a slave, that in some sense I've 'earned' her. One of the things that's nagged at me from time to time, and it's related to what I wrote above, is that I don't really deserve her. That I'm not a proper Master, just a top pretending, and that one day she'll see through me, see all the pain I've caused her, and no longer wish to stay with me. I no longer feel that way. I feel after what we've been through together, and how I was ultimately able to respond, I've proved to myself that I am the Master she needs, and can make her happy and contented as a person and a slave.
Things are changing in our relationship. The fabric of our M/s dynamic is changing, because it needs to. Changing to better reflect her needs and my desires. To better fit our lives. Change can be scary, but these changes are necessary, and they seem to be working well so far. It hasn't been easy getting to this point, but we're stronger for it and I know that we're both re-committed to this relationship, as lovers, as partners, and as Master and slave.
I'd just like to say a quick thank you to all the people who have shown us such support and love over a time that's been difficult for both of us, to friends both kinky and vanilla, in public or in private, thank you.
But most of all, I'd like to thank you, pet. For your patience. For your courage. For your willingness to keep going when you had every right and opportunity to walk away. For the love and affection, for the devotion and respect, for the honesty and passion you bring into my life, every single day. My pet. My slave. My love. My rose. Thank you.
I'm pleased to be able to say that we're back. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of talking. A lot of listening. A lot of thinking. A lot of honesty, and openness, and none of these things are easy when things are hard in a relationship, even with a person you love and trust. It wasn't easy, but we're back both as a couple and as Master and slave.
I don't intend to go into detail about what happened, as that's something I feel should stay between us. I just want to look for a little while at the lessons I've learned, and what I plan to do to be a better partner and Master to my rose in the future.
1. Taking things for granted will always cause problems. Happiness and contentment in submission can at times be fragile, and should always be cherished and maintained. Thinking that they are always going to be there without care and nurturing, and putting a relationship (kinky or vanilla) is just asking for trouble. Something I thought I knew, but obviously didn't understand the importance of it.
2. Communication is the key. It needs to flow both ways. A relationship can't function happily if no one expresses the truth of what they're thinking and feeling, no matter if it causes pain in the short term. This whole painful two months could have been avoided if we'd been fully open and honest about our feelings with each other. So I'm committing myself to share these things with my rose, even if it hurts in the short term, it's better for the relationship.
3. Blame is fruitless. The biggest thing that stood in the way of fixing a lot of the problems we've had recently is my tendancy to automatically blame myself for any issues or failures that arise, to the detriment of actually working on a solution. This habit demolished my confidence and sense of self-worth to the point where I could be neither a good partner nor a good master to rose, and is something I really need to work on if I am to develop both as a kinkster and a person.
4. Insecurity is the enemy. Rose trusts me, loves me, is loyal and devoted to me. I need to trust her more and not worry so much that every little problem that emerges is the end of the world.
5. Probably the best thing to come out of this is that I do now feel that I deserve rose as a slave, that in some sense I've 'earned' her. One of the things that's nagged at me from time to time, and it's related to what I wrote above, is that I don't really deserve her. That I'm not a proper Master, just a top pretending, and that one day she'll see through me, see all the pain I've caused her, and no longer wish to stay with me. I no longer feel that way. I feel after what we've been through together, and how I was ultimately able to respond, I've proved to myself that I am the Master she needs, and can make her happy and contented as a person and a slave.
Things are changing in our relationship. The fabric of our M/s dynamic is changing, because it needs to. Changing to better reflect her needs and my desires. To better fit our lives. Change can be scary, but these changes are necessary, and they seem to be working well so far. It hasn't been easy getting to this point, but we're stronger for it and I know that we're both re-committed to this relationship, as lovers, as partners, and as Master and slave.
I'd just like to say a quick thank you to all the people who have shown us such support and love over a time that's been difficult for both of us, to friends both kinky and vanilla, in public or in private, thank you.
But most of all, I'd like to thank you, pet. For your patience. For your courage. For your willingness to keep going when you had every right and opportunity to walk away. For the love and affection, for the devotion and respect, for the honesty and passion you bring into my life, every single day. My pet. My slave. My love. My rose. Thank you.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Missing: One Master
So. Somewhere, out there, I seem to have left my inner dom behind.
I'm serious. I look inside, I can't find it. All my confidence, all my motivation, all my drive, all my...everything is gone, and I'm not sure how to bring it back.
I really don't know quite how it happened. My feelings toward rose and toward BDSM haven't changed, I still love them both and want them both in my life. It's just that I don't seem to be able to get back on the horse and return things to how they/I/we were before we went away. But I need to, because I know that we both need it, and I can see every day the strain this is putting on rose personally, and our relationship. Not to mention what it's doing to my own emotions and mindset.
I try to get in the right headspace, but it feels like putting on a coat that's way too big for me- I just feel wrong. Right now I'm timid. Indecisive. Can't seem to assert myself or my will on any situation, hardly the qualities one looks for in a dom. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
I think the main problem is that my condifence is shot. A few meltdowns and a few wonky scenes have really dented it, and to be honest my sense of self-worth has never been the most secure in the world. So right now, I'm very unsure of myself, which makes it very hard to find that dominant state of mind.
Rose, I still love you- and I still want you as my pet, my slave, my love and my rose. I still want this to work, and I know you'll be patient with me as I try and get myself back on track. I'm so sorry for the pain I know I'm putting you through.
And the good news is, I have the beginnings of a plan. It occurred to me late last night, that a relationship is a lot like a building in that it needs a solid foundation. Without that, you can't have confidence that it won't all fall apart under pressure. So we...well, I, need to go back to the beginnings. I'm going to look, over the next couple of days, at the most basic parts of our relationship, go back into our history and look at it. Take inspiration. And start again at the basics- but make myself a part of them, too.
When rose had problems with issues of confidence and self-worth in the earlier stages of our relationship, I knew what to do- but I took my own dominance and that part of our dynamic for granted. Now I need to find ways to work on it myself, so I think I need to create similar exercises and affirmations, rituals if you will, to help rebuild my own sense of place in our relationship.
The foundations of a strong relationship, are a sense of self-worth and the ability to trust in the other person. I've let both fall into disrepair, but at least I've got an idea to start rebuilding them.
Advice and comments are welcome, and I'll let you know how I get on.
I'm serious. I look inside, I can't find it. All my confidence, all my motivation, all my drive, all my...everything is gone, and I'm not sure how to bring it back.
I really don't know quite how it happened. My feelings toward rose and toward BDSM haven't changed, I still love them both and want them both in my life. It's just that I don't seem to be able to get back on the horse and return things to how they/I/we were before we went away. But I need to, because I know that we both need it, and I can see every day the strain this is putting on rose personally, and our relationship. Not to mention what it's doing to my own emotions and mindset.
I try to get in the right headspace, but it feels like putting on a coat that's way too big for me- I just feel wrong. Right now I'm timid. Indecisive. Can't seem to assert myself or my will on any situation, hardly the qualities one looks for in a dom. Has this ever happened to anyone else?
I think the main problem is that my condifence is shot. A few meltdowns and a few wonky scenes have really dented it, and to be honest my sense of self-worth has never been the most secure in the world. So right now, I'm very unsure of myself, which makes it very hard to find that dominant state of mind.
Rose, I still love you- and I still want you as my pet, my slave, my love and my rose. I still want this to work, and I know you'll be patient with me as I try and get myself back on track. I'm so sorry for the pain I know I'm putting you through.
And the good news is, I have the beginnings of a plan. It occurred to me late last night, that a relationship is a lot like a building in that it needs a solid foundation. Without that, you can't have confidence that it won't all fall apart under pressure. So we...well, I, need to go back to the beginnings. I'm going to look, over the next couple of days, at the most basic parts of our relationship, go back into our history and look at it. Take inspiration. And start again at the basics- but make myself a part of them, too.
When rose had problems with issues of confidence and self-worth in the earlier stages of our relationship, I knew what to do- but I took my own dominance and that part of our dynamic for granted. Now I need to find ways to work on it myself, so I think I need to create similar exercises and affirmations, rituals if you will, to help rebuild my own sense of place in our relationship.
The foundations of a strong relationship, are a sense of self-worth and the ability to trust in the other person. I've let both fall into disrepair, but at least I've got an idea to start rebuilding them.
Advice and comments are welcome, and I'll let you know how I get on.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Baby, you can drive my car...
So, those of you reading rose's blog closely might remember that I'm presently engaged in the process of teaching her to drive. This has been an interesting experience, but in general it's been very fun watching her develop in both skill and confidence as a driver, just like it's been wonderful watching her grow into the wonderful slave that she is.
So last night, we're taking a spin into the city, which we've started doing recently. Things are going very well, which for Melbourne on a saturday night is pretty rare, until we hit clarendon street. On the bridge coming up to crown casino, a hotted up black sports ute, adorned with racist stickers pulls up behind us. For the next ten minutes, it's tailgating us, and despite the almost gridlock traffic, constantly and aggressively honking its horn for no discernable reason.
Obviously, for an inexperienced driver (or even a lot of experienced ones) this is a pretty upsetting experience. I'd like to add that Rose was driving faultlessly in heavy traffic, much better than most of the people around her. This seems to have been an attack that's come purely out of spite.]
But I've never been prouder of the way my slave handled the situation. She didn't freak out. She didn't stop or try to escape or become reckless. She was scared and upset, but she stayed in control of herself and the car until she was able to find a safe spot and pull over. Then, after a few minutes and some cuddles to calm her nerve, she drove us safely and skillfully back home. She faced the problem calmly and cleverly, looked for help when she needed it, and overcame it. Words can't really express how proud I am of my brave little slavedoll.
I think there's something in this for all of us, Dom or sub. Problems will always come, whether you cause them or not. Stay calm and hang tough until you've navigated your way out of them. Never be afraid to lean on those who you trust, and who care for you, because they'll always be there when you need them. Then, when you're ready, get back on the horse and take control of the situation again. It's a good way to go about things.
(P.S. Dear other driver,
Please die in a fire. Failing this, please seek professional help for whatever trauma it is that has turned you into a hateful dickhead. If nothing else, look into penis-enhancing proceedures to try and make your self-loathing a little easier to contain.
Yours,
WyldWyl.
So last night, we're taking a spin into the city, which we've started doing recently. Things are going very well, which for Melbourne on a saturday night is pretty rare, until we hit clarendon street. On the bridge coming up to crown casino, a hotted up black sports ute, adorned with racist stickers pulls up behind us. For the next ten minutes, it's tailgating us, and despite the almost gridlock traffic, constantly and aggressively honking its horn for no discernable reason.
Obviously, for an inexperienced driver (or even a lot of experienced ones) this is a pretty upsetting experience. I'd like to add that Rose was driving faultlessly in heavy traffic, much better than most of the people around her. This seems to have been an attack that's come purely out of spite.]
But I've never been prouder of the way my slave handled the situation. She didn't freak out. She didn't stop or try to escape or become reckless. She was scared and upset, but she stayed in control of herself and the car until she was able to find a safe spot and pull over. Then, after a few minutes and some cuddles to calm her nerve, she drove us safely and skillfully back home. She faced the problem calmly and cleverly, looked for help when she needed it, and overcame it. Words can't really express how proud I am of my brave little slavedoll.
I think there's something in this for all of us, Dom or sub. Problems will always come, whether you cause them or not. Stay calm and hang tough until you've navigated your way out of them. Never be afraid to lean on those who you trust, and who care for you, because they'll always be there when you need them. Then, when you're ready, get back on the horse and take control of the situation again. It's a good way to go about things.
(P.S. Dear other driver,
Please die in a fire. Failing this, please seek professional help for whatever trauma it is that has turned you into a hateful dickhead. If nothing else, look into penis-enhancing proceedures to try and make your self-loathing a little easier to contain.
Yours,
WyldWyl.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Is there anything that you enjoy, that you would have never thought you would like prior to starting your journey into kink?
Honestly, though I wanted to try it, I never thought I'd enjoy being a master as much as I do. While I knew that I loved topping, I honestly thought that I'd never really be any good at, let alone happy in a 24/7 relationship. Now I can't imagine life without it. I have a wonderful slave, who makes it incredibly fulfilling
But, now I re-read the question, it actually asks about what I thought before I got into kink. Hmm. I never thought I'd enjoy some of the harder pain play I enjoy now, the caning, strapping, tawsing. The humiliation play as well, particularly the name calling. They're all things I've had to get over some issues with from pre-kink guilt, but that I now love.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hello Wyl Sir. How do you know how far to push a submissive's limits? Are there any limits you do not push? Thankyou
This is a tricky one. Knowing a subs limits is difficult at first, it really comes from knowing them for a long time, starting slow and building up trust and intensity over time. The first thing should be to ask them, very early on, what they think their limits are. Get them to write you a list, broken down into things they know they like, things they know they don't like, things they're willing to try, and things they never want to do. This'll give you a good starting point.
After the first few scenes, and once the relationship has built up and some mutual trust been established, have them re-evaluate their list, see where things have changed and if they're now willing to do/try more things. You'll usually find that as the sub gets more comfortable with you and gets to know you better, they'll start to be more comfortable with whatever activites you have an urge for.
In scene, never be afraid to ask your sub where they are. I find the traffic lights system to be really useful (green= I'm fine, and happy to go harder. Yellow= I'm fine, but please no harder/faster/more intense yet. Red= I need to stop right now), because it lets the sub give a good idea of their present state without giving them a feeling of being unduly in control.
As long as the sub was comfortable with it, and I had the necessary skills, there aren't really limits I wouldn't push. It does pay to be careful, though- while rose, for example, has very few limits now, she had several when we started, and I was always careful not to push them until she was absolutely ready. There are several I wouldn't rush to pushing with a new sub, and there are some areas of play that don't interest me which I'd be unlikely to explore.
The final component is to remember it's ok for doms to set limits of their own. If you don't feel completely comfortable with an activity and completely confident with your skills, then you shouldn't do it, and don't let yourself feel pressured into feeling you have to do it.
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